Dear Ava

by Ilsa Madden-Mills

“What’s wrong?” I look away from him. “Nothing.” “Who’s in your locket?” he asks softly. I glance back at him and pop it open, and he leans in to study it. “Tyler?” I nod. “He’s all I have.” He tucks a strand of hair over my ear. “Yeah, I get it. It’s Dane for me.” “Catch them!” someone exclaims from the hallway.

horrible timng for such a seripus topic LOL

“Truth, again.” “Last year, did you want me as much as I wanted you?” His words are husky. I shiver. “Yes.”

And he wants me. I can see it by how still he is, the tense way he holds himself, as if he doesn’t want to startle me.

A tornado twists inside me, desire ripping and tearing at the very heart of me. Will every kiss by him always be like this?

I blush and scoot closer to him until our legs are touching. “Truth or dare?” His chest rises and he rakes a hand through his hair. “Shit. Truth?” “Why did you come tonight?” He lets out a frustrated growl, all male. Hot eyes drift over me. “I want you so bad I can’t think straight.”

“What makes me so special?” He cocks an eyebrow. “Does that even need a response? Don’t you see how incredible you are? How fucking hot and sweet and strong? And what happened to you at the party—figuring that out doesn’t stop, you feel me? It’s not over for me. I will find him, and when I do, I’m going to make him wish he’d never been born—”

He gets a weird look on his face. “Were you like this with Chance?” “And by like this, what do you mean?” My hand reaches out and brushes the hair from his face, and he grabs it, pressing a hot kiss to my palm. I like that feral gleam in his eye. Jealousy.

“I am,” I rush out, helping him slip the shorts off. I want something good. I want to not worry about a dark night in the woods, I want to replace it with beautiful things. With him.

“What’s wrong?” “I…haven’t been with anyone in a while,” he growls. I smile, remembering our conversation at Lou’s. He was waiting on me.

“I want to know everything about you. What you eat, except for tomatoes, God, I hate those, what you dream about, what songs you listen to, what makes you laugh, what makes you happy, how you feel when I fuck you. I want you breathing for me. I want you begging me for more of this. I want you kissing me, just me. I want you, Tulip, you, you, you, you…”

I want you kissing me, just me. God. His words.

My heart skips. Fucking skips. Last night. Well. It’s all I can think about and I’m ignoring those voices in my head, the ones that tell me to tread carefully, to go slow. I just… Want her.

For now, she’s here and I’m here and I refuse to go one more day with this need for her unmet.

“I was with Ava. I’m with her,” I told him finally. Damn, it felt good to get it off my chest, to finally tell him I want her, I want her next to me, I want her so fucking bad that no one even matters—

I study him. “I’m with Ava.” He pauses, and a long sigh comes from him. “With her?” “She’s mine.”

“You deserted her when she needed you.” I’ve never said those words aloud to him, but boy have I thought it. He closes his eyes, some of the heat leaving his voice. “I made a mistake, and I think about it every day.”

I look at the picture of me holding the cat. Ava is next to me, a little smile on her face. Damn, she’s beautiful.

Dane gives me a long look. “You’re in love with her.” I don’t respond for several moments. “I tried to stay away from her.” For you.

“What’s up?” He seems to gather himself and smiles. “Just missed you.”

“Do you regret last night?” I blurt. “No, but…” He exhales and sticks his hands in his jeans. “Ava, I really want this thing we have, but maybe we’re moving too fast.” Moving too fast? After last night? My chest feels tight. “Is this…a brushoff?” He closes his eyes. “Please, don’t ever think that. I just need a minute to breathe.” He scrubs his face. “Dane needs me, and there’s a lot going on right now.” A minute to breathe? Is he…is he trying to destroy my heart?

I nod, battling that uneasy feeling rolling around inside my gut. He isn’t telling me everything, but I don’t ask the questions that are on the tip of my tongue. I’m taking a chance on him, because this is the guy who wrote me a beautiful letter, and that’s enough—for now.

My phone pings with a text, and I snatch it up. I can’t breathe, beautiful girl. Give me a minute. To catch up with you. Wait for me.

“Ah, so that’s it.” He lets out small laugh, but it doesn’t sound cheerful. “You have fire in you, Ava. He’s told me about how you grew up, your mom, your brother.” His gray eyes, so much like Knox’s, trace over my face. “It takes a phoenix to rise from the ashes. I guess he thinks you are one.” He doesn’t necessarily sound displeased about it, yet his voice is resigned.

He closes his eyes. “Please, don’t be upset. I only say these things because I love him. Is that so terrible?” From out of nowhere, a rush of emotion tugs at my throat and I blink rapidly. No, it doesn’t make him terrible at all. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful. I just…never had a parent looking out for me.

He smiles wanly. “Not surprised. Do you think you love Knox?” Do I love him? Is the sky blue? Is the night dark? God, I’m so there with him, teetering on the edge of his world, wanting everything with him.

“You haven’t been with him for that long, Ava, and distance might tell you if you’re unsure. You’re complete opposites. You come from different worlds.” “Hades and Persephone were happy.”

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just start over, without all the events of last year hanging over you, to meet new people, to move on? No, Knox would never want that. Right?

I trust him, right? He paid for my housing. He hit Liam over me. He wants to protect me. And what is it costing him, to go against his team? I shove down my misgivings as we reach the dorm.

In the end, I’m the only one looking out for me, and I’ve known this for a long time. Most of the time I can shove all that down and pretend it doesn’t hurt to be left behind by the people who are supposed to love you.

I stare up at him. “Why can’t I be angry? I point-blank asked you what was wrong—” “I love you,” he says, his gray eyes clinging to mine. “Can’t you see that?” I suck in a breath.

“I don’t know when, maybe last year, watching you with Chance, then it grew when I hired that P.I. and I got wrapped up in you and how fierce you are, Tulip, so beautiful and so much strength that I don’t…shit, I don’t know how you do it here at this place when I can’t even stand it. I see who you are and it terrifies me and I tried to stay away, but I didn’t, even when I swore I would, and now I’ve hurt you, but you have to take a good long look at me, a fucking long look and see what I’m made of, what makes me tick, and it’s about you.” His words rip me apart.

“Don’t leave. Not like this,” he whispers, as if reading my thoughts. “Don’t walk away. Things will work out. Don’t, please. You belong with me, you do—” I sigh. “Please, just…leave me be.”

“It’s hard to stay pissed at you,” I say. “It’s going to be okay.” “Then why do I feel like something is still wrong?” he mutters. I rest my head on his shoulder for a second. God, he smells like the ocean and the sun. I’m going to miss him. I’m going to cry for months. I’m going to weep and weep and weep—

Knox has grown stiff as he stands behind me, and now he moves closer, his hands on my shoulders, his chest against my back. I feel him dip his head into my hair. “Don’t do it, Tulip. Don’t leave me. Don’t—” His voice catches and he turns me around, his eyes gleaming. “Stay with me. I’m giving you my heart. I’m giving you everything.” I whimper. “Knox, I can’t.”

He clutches my hips. “Shhh, I don’t accept this, you hear me? You’re just upset, and I can’t even imagine how emotional you must feel with everything hitting you like this.” He sucks in air. “Don’t fuck me up, please. You can’t go because I won’t get over you. I won’t ever find someone like you. I won’t ever kiss a girl like you. I love you.” He sighs. “Fuck, don’t you love me? I think you do, but you never said, and I’m standing here and you’re packing up your shit and leaving me—”

Brokenly, I say, “I love you, so much that I’d do anything, even if it means saying goodbye. You need some room to breathe, like you said. You said that for a reason, whether it was about your brother or just something deep down that you know is right. Your brother needs you now. You have a whole season of football and a team to take to state. You have big goals and I do too, but I can’t pursue them here anymore even though you’re the most worthy, kind, wonderful, beautiful person I’ve ever met. I have to go, I have to, I have to…”

“I see,” he murmurs. “Have you talked to Knox? He was pretty upset after he saw you on Saturday.” I nod. “I can’t promise you I won’t ever see Knox again. I love him, but I will stay away for as long as I can. I keep thinking about what you said, about us meeting some other time, and that’s all that’s keeping me going, Mr. Grayson.” I look up at him, letting him see how I’m barely keeping myself together.

I watch him until his body grows smaller and the heads of other students overtake his. With a sigh, I gaze around at the world. Wow. The sky is incredibly blue, the grass is greener, the trees lush and full of vibrant color as they sway in the late summer breeze. I laugh. I just met a guy. I just met a guy.

God. I love how he laughs. It’s the color of the sun, soft and warm and golden. I think I must say it aloud, because he blushes.

I stand there for a minute, just looking at him. Then, I take a deep breath and walk over, humming. He’s here. He’s waiting. He’s been waiting. We both have.

Oh, I see the promise in those beautiful eyes of his. The seriousness. The heat. I see him. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t love often, but once he does, it’s with everything he has.

“Kiss me,” I beg. “Kiss me. God, please, kiss me and forgive me for leaving you, because if you don’t—”

jeans. I see his tulip bouquet tattoo, the script letters at the top of the pink blooms. My eyes blur. Emotion lifts me and destroys me at the same time as I trace my fingers over the words. Tulip. Waiting for you. Always.

He gasps for air. “Tulip, damn you, damn you. Don’t ever leave me, don’t. Stay here and be mine. I did what you wanted. I let you go, I let you find yourself, and I found me too. I did, I did, but I can’t do it without you again. I can’t look at another beach or mountain or country while wondering where you are or who you’re seeing and if you still love me…” His voice breaks as he grabs my face. “Tell me you still love me.”

My heart cracks then stitches itself back together. “Lee Knox Grayson, I love you till the end of time. I never stopped. I never gave up. You’re my destiny. I’m yours. The universe fucking owes me, you feel me?” He shudders. “I never stopped watching out for you, Tulip. I’ve known where you’ve be...

“We needed a new beginning and I wanted to give it to you. Maybe you met someone. Maybe you…didn’t want me anymore. Maybe you walked away and never thought of me again.” “Never.” My lips brush over his. “I...

“Tulip, I’ve pictured you in my mind, in my dreams like this, so many long nights without you and nothing is right without you, not beaches or mountains or the sky because I need you, need you, need you. You’re the only one who knows me, who sees me the way I am inside.”

He pauses. “I know you’re independent as hell, but I need you with me, Tulip. I let you walk away. I could have chased after you and begged you to come back, but I stuffed everything down and carried on for my family, to get our shit straight, and we did. But there’s no more going slow with me. No more distance. No more time to breathe. It’s our time. Us.”

“The sun’s coming up,” I whisper. “Dear Ava, today is the beginning of anything you want,” he says in my ear. I clutch his shoulders. “You. Always you.”

She’s the girl I wanted the moment she walked in the doors at Camden, and I know we’re young on the outside, but inside, the heart knows when it sees its forever.