Dear Ava

by Ilsa Madden-Mills

His scrutiny doesn’t miss much and makes me antsy—has since freshman year when I’d catch him looking at me, studying me as if I were a strange bug.

I think Knox's the secret admirer

“Don't worry about me touching anything. I don’t like ugly.” The words tumble out before I can stop them. I meant his superior attitude, not his face, but I see the moment when he freezes and takes it the wrong way. He touches his face, tracing his scar while his jaw pops.

Oh no..... the miscommunication... Never thought i would say it but i miss it

Rumor is he doesn’t kiss girls on the lips,

Knox better be the guy. He sounds like a tough cookie on the outside but is genuinely a good guy on the inside. Like a porcupine, spiky on the outside but is actually really cute

I’ve missed you cheering at my football games.

So he's footballer. Ohhh man i just know its Knox.

and I head in first, carefully searching the faces in the foyer then the hallway. Nothing. She isn’t here yet.

AHHHHHHI TOLD YOU ITS KNOX

A tight feeling settles in my chest, and unease mingled with excitement washes over me as I watch her park and get out of her car. I bite my lower lip, my body tightening.

YAYYYYYYY KNOX IS THE SECRET ADMIRER

For some weird reason, I have perfect clarity on seeing him with Tawny, his hand tucked into the back pocket of her jeans as they walked away from the bonfire and got into his car.

so when are we pulling Tawny's hair? Im down

He laughs and leans away from me, but not before the air around him shifts and I catch his cologne. He smells like the ocean, salt and sunshine and coconuts, and my chest swells. I turn my head and stare at him, facing off with those gray eyes. “What kind of cologne is that? Eau de fish?” He looks at his nails. “It reeks.” It’s freaking divine.

This is my favorite trope. Being mean to each other......something is wrong with me

I pick up my pen and twirl it around. “Keep your secrets then. I don’t—” “My mom died when I was twelve.” He rubs his hand over his mouth, as if he’s surprised the words came out.

I like you. I'm gonna kidnap you one day

“Here’s my cell. Don’t share it, or we’ll have a problem. Maybe we can watch on the same night and talk about what topic we want to write about when it’s fresh.” Oh. Oh. Knox Grayson never gives out his number. I know because every girl since freshman year has tried to get it,

“I don’t need your help, Cold and Evil,” I mutter. “Why were you in there anyway? Trying to change your schedule so you don’t have to sit with me in class?”

He was getting board for you, Tulip

He nods. “Actually, we have an anonymous donor who’s offered to cover the cost.”

Knox.....how can i love you?

“No, you don’t. He’s our dad.” And he’s just as screwed up as we are. “If you’re doing this to punish him, the only person you’re hurting is you. And me.” I sigh. “If Liam is encouraging you to do the hard stuff, he isn’t your friend, Dane. Don’t be stupid when it comes to him.”

I like Knox he's wise

He bites his lips, a red blush rising up from his throat to his cheeks. “Fuck.” I gape. “What? I’m shocked you’re actually embarrassed. By the way, is it true you only do it from behind?” He glowers at me as his hands clench, and a fissure of triumph runs through my body. I finally got to him. “Ugh, you saw me!” His hands tug at his hair. “Uh-huh.” He blows out a breath. “Look, erase that from your head.” Not likely. “Just the thought of someone like you…seeing me like that…” He grimaces and scrubs his face. “I’m sorry you saw that.” “Who is someone like me?” “No one. You’re no one here.” Huh. Is that right?

He is soo embarrassed its so cute

“Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. It doesn’t matter. Besides, I have a spare, and I know how to change a tire.” “Let me do it.” “I don’t need you to help me, okay? I can save myself. Been doing it all my life.” “I know you can save yourself.”

I love this trope so muchhhhh!!!!!! "I can do it myself" "I know you can but let me help"

Bending down with him, I watch as he removes the last nut, slips the tire off, and puts the spare on, the tightly roped muscles of his forearms straining as he lifts and secures it. He glances up, catching my eyes. “Why are you smiling?”

*sucks drool back up*

Knox gives me a glance then looks back at them. “Nah, I have studying to do. You do too, Dane.”

Knox cares about his studies *slams credit card* I like him, gimme 14 of them

Earlier, we came home to an empty house. Suzy had already left for the night and Dane and I had dinner in front of the TV in the den, salmon and grilled asparagus she’d made. We didn’t talk much except about homework and practice. I was hiding that I was pissed at Dad for not being here. He was quiet for other reasons. At eleven, I finished loading the dishwasher, turned on the alarms, flicked off the lights, and we crashed, each of us in our respective bedroom.

I oddly like this routine

“We can’t tell anyone we slept in the same bed. You feel me?” “This never happened.” I lie down next to him. “But if that dream of mine comes back, or yours…well…” I turn on my side, pulling the covers up. “You can sleep with me whenever you want, bro.”

This is really sweet. Im really glad they have each other at least

A few minutes later: “Knox?” “Yeah?” “You’re all I’ve got in the world, man.” You’re all I’ve got in the world. Dane-speak for I love you. I reach over and take his hand for a second. “Me too. Now go to sleep.”

This is too precious

“Be good, okay? No darting off from your teachers, bozo. I mean it.” He looks away from me, that look of stubbornness I know he gets from me growing on his face. “Th-They better be nice to me or I’ll cut their balls off and stuff them down their throats.”

Ahahhahahahahahahah i love this kid already

A shuddering groan escapes my lips, and I freeze, coming back to reality when I sense a change in the air, a quiet tension replacing his sounds. Did he leave? I didn’t hear the door open— The curtain is ripped back and he looms over me, his throat working soundlessly as he rakes his eyes over me and stumbles back, falling on the floor. “Ava! What…” He hurries up to his knees, his face horrified. “Shit, shit, shit, what are you doing in here!”

My jaws are slacked. Wig snatched!!

Dipping my head, I rub my eyes. I just… I just… His scarred face. His deep, stormy eyes. Something twisted and dark that resides in me yearns for him.

Me too

“Knox?” He puts his hand on the doorknob. “What?” “You’re not ugly. You’re beautiful.” He pauses but opens the door and slams it shut.

I second that

Walking out of the stall, I look at myself in the mirror. Pale. Too skinny. Dark shadows under my eyes. Black hair. I’d be goth if not for the bright uniform. From my purse, I fish out my red lipstick and slide it on, considering my reflection. I can be strong for Tyler. I can make this shitty road mine. Own it. Use it. And someday, someday, I’ll have a beautiful road, smooth and easy and perfect. “So you aren’t going to let these assholes get to you, Ava?” I say to the scared girl in the mirror. “No. Not yet. I’m not quitting. Only cowards quit.” Whipping out a marker, I leave a little message on the wall with hearts around it. Then I walk out and go to class.

I love how she pushes herslef. She got my respect

“Wow, Knox. You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my motives. Glad I’ve been on your mind.” Only for about three years.

This man is obsessed with you, Tulip

Ah… “Chance and I went back into the school after practice yesterday. He scraped the last of it off with a scouring pad. Apparently it was in permanent marker and the janitor had a hard time.”

okay okay here me out... Chance is not that bad

“Are you…are you a bit of a romantic, Fort Knox?” I laugh. “What defines a romantic?” “Secretly loves rom-coms, listens to moody songs about unrequited feelings, writes pretty love letters and leaves them in girls’ lockers.” My chest constricts sharply—it feels like I can’t breathe. She impatiently taps her fingers on the table, and I wait a full minute before answering her.

Ohh he is for sure for sure

Her eyes flash at me, holding mine. “Back to this girl you’re waiting on—does she go to Camden?” “Mmmm.”

Yes.... And its you. It has always been you

“Ava! Knox! Follow me!” shouts a familiar voice. It’s Wyatt as he runs past, arms full of balloons. We dodge people as we catch up with him, taking the stairwell. Girls and guys with water guns chase after us while Knox throws balloons at them, beating them back until they shut the door. Nice job, QB1.

This sounds soo funn

Sure enough, Wyatt is in the middle of the room, holding flashlights. He tosses one to Knox, who catches it. He laughs, looking at us before focusing on Knox. “Knox, didn’t know you did prank night.” “Came as Ava’s backup. Didn’t think she’d like being surprised.”

Awwwwwnnn Knox is so pretty for that

“Truth, again.” “Last year, did you want me as much as I wanted you?” His words are husky. I shiver. “Yes.” “Fuck…” A long sigh comes from him and he scrubs his face.

I don’t think I will ever get tired of the little truth that he kisses me, kisses me, when he doesn’t anyone else.

I think for half a second, debating going to class and seeing Ava or checking on my brother. I whip around, head for the exit, and run for my car.

Boyyy got his priority right. Blood first

“Don’t feel sorry for me,” I say quietly. “I’m going to be awesome someday.”

Im gonna use that

“Stop.” I shake my head, emotions all over the place, rage mixed with helplessness over Liam, anger at Knox, and anger at myself. I trusted him, and he—he pushed me away for his family.

Gurl you're asking for too much. Im not on your side with this. It's his literal twin

Just, someday in the future, find me. Just find me and come up to me and tell me you still love me and want me and can’t live without me in your arms—”

A year and nine months later

WTF it's been this long??? So now she's 20?

A long moment stretches, and I’m not sure he’s going to say anything, and good grief, how stupid would I feel then— He takes my hand slowly, almost as if he’s afraid I’m going to turn and run. “My first name is Lee.” Lee. I savor it, testing it out in my head. It fits. Strong. Silent. Sexy as fuck.

Middle name Knox. Lee Knox Grayson

He tips the beer up. Takes a long swig. “Nah. I’m saving myself for someone. Have been for a while.” “Really?” “Mmmm.” He peels at the paper on his beer. “You trying out being a monk?” “Just waiting for a girl.”

Knox doesn't change. I lovee him

My hands shake and I stick them in the pockets of my jeans. I clear my throat. “I haven’t seen you on campus before. Did you transfer in? What year are you?” He smiles. “My first year here, actually. I took a gap year after high school to travel with my brother and Dad then took some online classes and worked a few jobs, mostly construction for my dad’s company. Wanted to save up some money—for a girl.”

2 years later and he's still whipped

I run my gaze over the guys he came in with. They’re all in football shirts. Lee wears one too. “You play football for Vandy?” He nods. “I walked on this summer. Quarterback. Came in and tried out. Got a spot. Third string, but, hey…” He laughs and spreads his hands. “Some guys peak in high school. Looks like I did okay.”

Awwwwwwwnnnn I love how the end is circling back to their conversations from 2 years ago

“Someone’s waiting at your car,” she tells me, indicating the tall man who’s leaning against his Mercedes parked next to Louise. I nod, barely breathing. “It’s okay. I know him.” “He’s fucking hot,”

Lee Knox Grayson, you have my heart

I stand there for a minute, just looking at him. Then, I take a deep breath and walk over, humming. He’s here. He’s waiting. He’s been waiting. We both have.

I stare at his chest, my mouth drying at his sculpted muscles, the six-pack, the deep V that leads down to his jeans. I see his tulip bouquet tattoo, the script letters at the top of the pink blooms. My eyes blur. Emotion lifts me and destroys me at the same time as I trace my fingers over the words. Tulip. Waiting for you. Always.

HE GOT A FREAKING TATOO FOR HER. Im dead. Im sold. Gimme 20 of him, Santa

“And I’ve been researching schools close to Vandy. There are a few he might like—if you want to move in, that is?” He looks uncertain. “I have money from my mom and I’ve been working for my dad to save up more. I want to take care of you and Tyler the right way.”

And that's a man right there

“The sun’s coming up,” I whisper. “Dear Ava, today is the beginning of anything you want,” he says in my ear. I clutch his shoulders. “You. Always you.”

Can i die happy now??

She’s the girl I wanted the moment she walked in the doors at Camden, and I know we’re young on the outside, but inside, the heart knows when it sees its forever.

I press my lips to her palm, my gaze lingering on the two-carat engagement ring on her finger. I asked her to marry me the Christmas after we reunited. Well, technically, I asked Tyler first and he said, “Balls yes. Just do it already. You’re already living in sin, and I really wish you’d put up some concrete walls around your bedroom. I’m too young to hear that shit.”

Ahahhahahahah oh poor Tyler

“This is my future grandfather and uncle. Knox is going to be my dad,” Tyler tells the reporter, who gives him a wide look, laughs, and then bends down to him. “Is that right? Tell me more.” I guess she’s going for the personal interest angle here. Tyler lets out a long-suffering sigh. “It’s a really, really long story—and I should know it because my future dad likes to tell it, but it started with a love letter he put in my sister’s locker…”

This is sooo cute. But i think it started it started way before the letter. It started the moment she walked into Camden Prep and he saw her