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Deep down, I’d known for a long time that my passionless marriage was disintegrating. I’d just been too scared to do anything about it.
Life was unpredictable, and just when you thought you had it all figured out, just when you thought winter was over and spring was right around the bend, you got hit with a late frost that killed every bud on the vine.
That’s when I noticed the hole—fucking hell, did I have to be wearing a shirt with a hole in it the one time Sylvia Sawyer came in here to talk to me?
“I know your husband was the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. I know you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. And I know I should leave right now, before I do something stupid.”
“I know, but . . .” I sat back again in defeat. “It just really sucks that assholes like her ex-husband get everything handed to them—the perfect wife, awesome kids, dream life—and they can just abandon it and start again. It’s so easy for them.”
We’re all just stumbling our way through life, hoping to arrive at the right destination. If something makes you feel good on the way, why not do it?”
For so long, I’d lived in fear of being abandoned, of being alone and having to start over, of failing. And I let that fear prevent me from leaving a marriage that not only didn’t fulfill me, but robbed me of joy, of confidence, of self-worth. But those days were over.
“I think I’ve got a crush on my teacher.”
“Then come sit on his lap.”
“So,” Noah said, tipping up his beer. “How long have you been in love with Sylvia?” I made a sound somewhere between a choke and a laugh. “Uh, since I saw her in that skirt?” Noah nodded and touched his beer bottle to my glass. “Good answer.”
“I want to be good to you out loud. I want to help you settle into your new life here—I want to be part of it. I want to take you back to that party and kiss you at midnight.” He kissed my lips. “I want you to be mine for real.”
Sometimes what looks like real love turns out to be infatuation. Sometimes real love exists, but people drift apart. Sometimes love is real, but the circumstances are all wrong. Love is tricky. And messy. And hard to explain.”
And every night, I lay awake yearning to be with her and wondering how the hell you got over losing someone who was never yours in the first place.
“Because when I think about her, my heart races. Because when she’s in the room, I can hardly breathe. Because I want to be with her all the time. Because I want to do things for her that make her smile. Because when she’s happy, I’m happy. Because she’s the first person in my head when I wake up, the last person I think about before I fall asleep, and the only person in the world who makes me feel like I’m the person I want to be.”
“I know you’re scared, and that’s okay. I know you’re not used to someone keeping his promises. And I know it’s going to take time for me to break down all those walls, but damn it, Sylvia, you’re going to let me try. You’re going to let me stick around. And you’re going to let me love you, and prove to you that we can build something so real and so strong, it’s unbreakable.”
