Relationship Goals: How to Win at Dating, Marriage, and Sex

by Michael Todd

The truth is, having a goal without aim is senseless, but having a goal without God is pointless.

The Bible says, “God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end” (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

See, people are so often trying to get a person without first understanding their own purpose—or at least without taking it into account. But a close relationship is going to have a huge impact on how well you can fulfill your purpose. This is true with your BFF, your college adviser, your roommate, your business investor…and especially your spouse.

One other thing: relationship itself is a purpose. God gives you friends so you can build into their lives and they can build into yours. Getting married is a lifetime commitment that will be rewarding but also costly to you at times. Just don’t go looking for others to give you what only God

can—your purpose. Look only to God for that. And trust Him to bring people into your life who can push you ahead and whom you can push ahead in His plans.

Let me encourage you with this: your singleness may actually be the most important part of the relationship process. It’s not a curse. It’s an opportunity! It’s the best chance you’ll ever have to work on being uniquely you—original and distinct. A good period of singleness means learning to be a unique self. God wants you to enjoy this season of life in which you can become whole and complete on your own, apart from a spouse or partner.

If you are single, don’t worry too much about dating and mating. That will come in its own time. Focus more on where you’re at. Your current status lets you work on getting to know God better and worship Him. Singleness is a chance to understand yourself better, too, work on your weaknesses, build on your strengths, and move toward fulfilling the purposes God is planting in your heart. Along the way, you can clarify your relationship goals so that you’ll be able to see it when the person comes along who is “just right” for you, as Eve was for Adam. Even if you’re not single, this chapter is for you because it demonstrates that you should always be working on yourself. Self-work is beneficial in all kinds of relationships. For example, the more you understand about yourself, the easier it is to have

The truth of the matter is that you are worth discovering.

Most of us spend so much time hating things about ourselves that we don’t realize we’re crippling our ability to love others. There’s no way you can figure out how to love somebody else well in a relationship if you have not first figured out how to love yourself in singleness.

If you devalue yourself, then you will inevitably end up treating your neighbor, or even your spouse, the same way.

Remember, your relationship with Him is your ultimate relationship. But then loving yourself means accepting who God created you to be, as hard as that may be for you. It means taking the time to find your fulfillment in Him and realizing that only He can fill the emptiness you feel inside. Stop trying to fit other people into the God-shaped hole in your life.

He wants you to see yourself the way He sees you, but it may take some time.

She knows the kind of man she needs to help her be the kind of woman she’s becoming—a woman in Christ. She dates only if she thinks the guy will push her toward purpose.

“The only way to be sure what you’re looking for,” Diamond says, “is to find yourself.”

Being single doesn’t make you insufficient or insignificant; it just means you have more time to develop and get to know yourself.

I challenge you to use this time wisely. Singleness isn’t an excuse to take a back seat on life but an opportunity to wholeheartedly pursue your own purpose.

Marriage is such a strong covenant that God tries to convince us not to enter into it unless we are confident that we’re ready. Many tend to view matrimony as a method of escape, but escaping your single life is not a reason to marry someone, even if he is tall and handsome with a killer smile. We must be careful not to be so drawn to the outward appearance that we neglect to recognize the inward condition.

Singleness is the time for “I”: invest, imagine, and inspire. Invest in what you want to see grow in your life. Imagine what you could be tomorrow if you started today. And inspire others by using everything you have now

to make a difference. Let me give you a few practical examples. You could invest in your nonromantic friendships, which could then flourish into lifelong community. Or you could invest in your creative passion, which could turn into a career one day. You could imagine yourself financially free and start learning to manage your money better. Or imagine where in the world you’d want to travel and

plan the trip. One of the most impactful things you can do is take time to inspire others by sharing your story or mentoring someone else. When you use your season of singleness to understand and improve yourself while getting closer to the God who made you, it’s like taking a leap of ...

Hosea 4:6 says, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (NKJV). If we think we can just figure out dating on our own, that means we’re simply following the bad examples in the world around us. Trust me, other people’s #RelationshipGoals don’t look as good in real life as they do on Instagram. So, use knowledge of godly living to avoid destructive experiences like the ones I had during my ten months of insanity or to help others avoid them.

Whatever your relationship goals are, you’re not going to reach them by doing the kind of dating most single people do—recreational dating. Instead, you gotta try what I call intentional dating.

Recreational dating is dating that’s focused on having fun and getting experiences. Recreational dating is the opposite of aiming at a goal; it’s like shooting at everything. Intentional dating, though, is being purposeful. It’s fun, too, but it preserves purity. Most importantly, it’s driven by a clear goal: to determine whether the person you are dating is right for you to marry. It’s all about moving toward the covenant of marriage, with the right person, in the right way, in the right time.

First Corinthians 15:33 says,

“Bad company corrupts good character.”

For now, all I’m trying to say to you is, dating is not supposed to be a destination. It’s supposed to be transportation to where you

I’ve told you what dating isn’t. It isn’t just playtime. It isn’t pretending like you’re married. It isn’t treating a season like it’s a lifetime. That’s messed up, all of it.

But be selective about whom you’re dating, and while you’re having fun, also be evaluating what’s going on so that you can either bring a misguided relationship to an end before it gets too costly or move it toward a goal if it seems

right. This is dating where you’re in no hurry to commit your mind, heart, or body to the other person. You’ve got some boundaries in place. And boundaries are biblical. Boundaries are one of the things that God uses to help us reach purpose. It preserves who He’s made us to be at our core:

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23)

If he’s not mateable, he’s not dateable. That simply means, if you wouldn’t

marry the person, don’t go out with him. Find someone who’s going the same direction as you: not perfect but making progress in following Jesus.

In a time when relationships become “Facebook official” overnight, you need to take time—without everybody else applying pressure or giving an opinion—to see if you’re really attracted to the other person, if your values line up, and if you can help each other become who you’re meant to be. Wouldn’t you like a clear path to a healthy relationship? Take ninety days to get to know each other without pressure. Gasp! “Ninety days?!” Hey, it’s just three months, less than the length of a football season. That’s not such a long time to spend forming an intentional friendship, which might lead to intentional dating, which might lead to marriage, now is it?

I always encourage people to pay attention to patterns, not potential.

Look at this anchor scripture for Relationship Goals: “God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him” (Philippians 2:13). When it comes to your dating relationships or any relationships, when you invite God

into the situation, He’ll give you the desire to do it right and then He’ll fund it—He’ll give you the power to do it in a way that pleases Him. That’s how good our God is. Can I get an amen?

But one thing you should never, ever overlook is if you’re with somebody who’s getting in the way of the plans and purposes you think God is calling you to.

Dating > God is always a dangerous equation because we’re left with our feelings as our guide as opposed to getting direction and wisdom from God.

Look at Hebrews 12:1: “Let us strip off every weight that slows us

down.” The verse specifically mentions one kind of weight—“the sin that so easily trips us up.” But there are other kinds of weights and burdens, including relational liabilities.

Having wise, mature people speak into our lives is more important than ever when the issue is a matter of the heart and we may not be seeing clearly.

Here’s Paul’s response: “You say, ‘I am allowed to do anything’—but not everything is good for you. And even though ‘I am allowed to do anything,’ I must not become a slave to anything” (6:12). In other words, even though some Corinthians thought they were exercising their Christian freedom by having sex with different people whenever they wanted, they were actually giving up their freedom.

Transgression is crossing the line, trespassing where God has said you shouldn’t be. Example: breaking the commandment against adultery. Iniquity is a sinful desire in the heart. Example: being lustful. One happens inside, and one happens outside.

But this is the most important thing about transgressions and iniquities—Jesus did something about them!

He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities. (ISAIAH 53:5, NKJV)

Look how beautifully all this fits together: Transgressions are the outward sinful actions. Where do you get wounded? On the outside. That’s where Jesus was wounded for our transgressions. Iniquity is the inward sinful desire. Where do bruises form? On the inside. And that’s where

Jesus was bruised for our iniquities. Jesus says to you, “I let them beat Me and whip Me and stick thorns in My scalp and lay a heavy cross on My shoulders and nail My hands and feet to that cross for a reason—so that you could walk in freedom. That’s how much I love you.”

Say it to yourself: “I’m not the sexual sins I’ve committed. I’m not the bad thoughts I’ve had in my head. I’m not doomed to continue being immoral or struggling with guilt and shame. I’m not broken—I’m healed!”

Sex isn’t the only issue here. Some people are slaves to others’ opinions. Some people are slaves to video games. Some people are slaves to food, drink, or drugs. Some people are slaves to credit card companies. Some people are slaves to a job. Some people are slaves to their morning coffee from Starbucks. But one of the worst things to be a slave to is sexual impurity. Let me tell you why: sexual impurity is one of those sins that doesn’t come alone. In most cases, you can’t be sexually impure and not be a liar. Just think about it. Let’s say, back when you were in high school, you were heading out of the house one night to go meet

With sexual impurity comes deception. With sexual impurity comes manipulation. Sexual sin brings unbelief. It brings the whole party to your house. That’s why the Enemy would love for you to keep secrets in those areas, because it invites in other things that you don’t have power to keep out.