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in the beginning, my love for Thea was born out of death, broken hearts, and desperation. Coincidentally, that was also how it ended.
That was exactly how I lived my life, showing the world a pretty exterior to hide the disaster on the inside.
She didn’t know the smile trick. I’d teach her though.
She was a code I couldn’t crack, but the challenge alone made me obsessed.
One tiny change in a sequence of events could alter your entire life.
I kissed her shoulder, crawled out of her bed, and then destroyed us all.
Six damn years and he’d written me one letter the entire time he was gone.
Move on, he’d written. Start a new life, he’d urged. I don’t love you anymore, he’d lied.
I wrote letter after letter. Each one containing a million questions. A million apologies. A million I-love-yous. A million pleas for him to let me come visit. They all went unanswered.
I was forced to accept that he was done with me. However, I had been nowhere near done with him.
there was no damn way I was accepting a breakup letter a month after he’d been sentenced to sixteen years in prison.
It had been almost thirteen years. She should have been married and two kids deep.
The loneliness was debilitating, and growing up in prison was paralyzing.
The person I was had to die in order for me to survive in that place.
after years and years of conditioning, the prison was inside my mind now.
I cooked steaks. Nora carried one to his room. He invited her in. They had dinner together. And I stood in the hall, listening to the magic that was their laughter, while tears of longing dripped off my smile.
Ramsey is stupid. Ramsey is an idiot. Ramsey is emotionally stunted. But Ramsey fucking loves you.”
I was twenty-eight and had never been on another date since our night in the tent on his seventeenth birthday.
“There’s nothing there when I look in his eyes, Nora. I used to be able to tell. I don’t feel anything when he looks at me now.”
I had no idea that was the last time I was going to see him for over twelve years.
When he looked at me over his shoulder just before he was escorted out of the courtroom and mouthed, “I love you,” I naively believed we were on the same page. He was gone before I had the chance to reply to him that day. He knew though.
we hurried to the front door. We’d almost made it out the door when Mr. Stewart called out. “Have a nice life. God knows, you ruined mine.”
She was wrong. So fucking wrong. I’d given her a gift. One she couldn’t understand because she was so damn stubborn she refused to accept it.
“I don’t love you, and I never did. I was a teenage boy trying to get in your pants. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t say.”
It was all a lie. Every single word. There had never been a point in my life that I hadn’t been in love with Thea Hull. It was exactly why I let her go.
“He’s in there. I know he is. And you are seriously underestimating me if you think your petty lies are going to stop me.”
She’d been hanging out with Thea too much. She even sounded like her now. It was a kick in the balls almost as much as it was a gift.
I was dying a little more each day. But they were okay.
Ramsey answered, his eyes finding mine in the mirror. “We were both really lucky she had you and Thea while I was gone.”
Cutting her out of my life hadn’t dissuaded her. Neither had being a dick. It seemed prison walls were the only thing that could keep her away.
That made it worth it. All twelve years and listening to them make jokes and tell stories, breathing free and easy, made it absolutely worth it.
“You know it doesn’t have to be all or nothing though. We were friends before love entered the picture.”
“I would give up over twelve years of my life for the opportunity to try.”
“You’ve traveled to every country?” “No. I’ve traveled to every country that doesn’t allow a felon to get a visa. I saved all the others for us.”
“Please don’t shut down on me again.” She covered my hand with hers. “Come back. Please.”
I couldn’t go back. I’d ruined her life once. I’d never forgive myself if I did it again.
Why couldn’t I just let him go? Oh, right. Because I still loved him as if it had been coded into my DNA.
that’s what I was for her. A boulder, guaranteed to sink, regardless of how hard she tried to keep me afloat. I was almost thirty years old. A felon. A murderer. Homeless. Employed out of pity.
“I’m yours. I’ve always been yours. Even when you didn’t want me to be.”
“Fucked up and in love. That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
Nothing lit me on fire like delusional people who were only delusional because they refused to open their eyes.
“I never wanted you to be a part of this, Sparrow. I tried to let you go so I didn’t drag this kind of filth into your life. But you just wouldn’t listen. Fuck. Why won’t you ever listen to me?”
Regret was nothing but a chain tethering you in the past.
I didn’t want anything that reminded me of them. If only the scars on my heart were so easy to get rid of.
How was it that I so desperately wanted the best for her, yet I slayed her at every turn?
Why hadn’t they trusted me? They’d made decisions that had changed my life, so I should have gotten a say.
Who the hell wants celery in their chicken soup? Not me!
How long can you want somebody before you have to let go? It’s been ten years and I still can’t figure it out.
