When You Come Back to Me (Lost Boys, #2)

by Emma Scott

You can be okay and completely fucked up at the same time. I’m living proof.”

I always did. Made jokes. Pushed the pain down and hid it with a smile and a wink, and maybe a gallon or two of booze or a night with a stranger. No one got to see how bad I hurt.

But once our gazes found each other, I fell into the surprising depth of him. There was weight behind his eyes, and his casual smile looked like his own brand of armor.

The new guy sauntered away, releasing me from his piercing gaze. Good. I wasn’t supposed to be noticing things like the intensity of his eyes or how they were the purest green. Clear and hard, like peridot. I wasn’t supposed to notice that under all that expensive clothing, his body was built. Not as big as me but lean muscle on a tall frame. I wasn’t supposed to be paying attention to how fucking perfect this guy’s face was, angular and sharp, as if he were sculpted out of ice. Icy hair, icy attitude but with a fire burning underneath…

water. Again, he caught me staring. A drop of tequila lingered on his lower lip. With merciless eye contact, he rolled his tongue over his lip to catch it. I dove into my beer cup; my skin heating. Why was he here? To mess with me? Torment me? It’s only torment if you care about what he thinks. Or about him…

could think about was Holden Parish lying stretched out on the carpet, watching me. Getting into my head and monopolizing my attention. His tongue tasting that drop of tequila…

“As far as I can tell, it just means the nonstop thoughts in my head are more cunning and can torment me in multiple languages.”

He was fucking beautiful. Heart-stoppingly, jaw-droppingly hot. There was no way around it. My eyes, mind, and body all came to the same conclusion and I was helpless to deny it.

We couldn’t take our eyes off of each other if our lives depended on it, and for a few precious moments, I didn’t care what anyone thought. The self-consciousness fled, and we just observed each other, smiles touching our lips and something foreign unfolding in my heart.

After all we’d been through together, I couldn’t allow my heart even the slightest injury.

“So what’s the problem?” “The problem is that the guy in question is not my type, to put it mildly. An All-American good boy. Warm, gooey, everyone loves him. He’s the human equivalent of a grilled cheese sandwich.” “So?” “So? It doesn’t make sense. And yet I can’t stop thinking about him and feeling guilty, because…I may have said some things I shouldn’t have.” Ronan took a pull of beer. “I’m shocked.” “Oh, shut up. But yes, I stirred up some shit for him that I had no business stirring. I even gave him my number in the event he wants to talk. To me. As if I could actually help somehow.” I shook my head with a dry laugh. “It’s impossible.” “Why?” “I’m not one hundred percent positive that he and I are on the same page, if you catch my drift. I need to leave it alone. Leave him alone.” Ronan rolled his eyes and chucked a rock into the fire. “You disagree?” “If you care about him—” “Let’s not go that far.” “—then tell him.” “That proves difficult, since he specifically asked that I never speak to him again. And even if by some miracle he were gay, nothing good can come of something with me. Except for sex. I can do meaningless sex.” I glanced at him. “That’s not an offer, by the way.”

Everything about him assaulted my senses, making me stupid.

My already fragile grasp of sanity took a hit, but the conversion therapy failed. Because of course it failed. It’s not possible to change the fundamental being-ness of a person. You can only try to beat it down with shame and guilt. Or try to drown it in cruelty. But I won. Who I am, stayed. Unfortunately, the cold did too.”

“I’ll never ask you for anything. I don’t have anything to give. Except this.”

I thought I was ready. I’d been kissed a hundred times—wet, mindless mashing of mouths meant to lead to something else. River’s kiss ignited like a flare of light and heat in some cold place in me. His mouth was hard on mine, demanding, but infused with a strange softness that I felt everywhere. I felt him in his kiss, along every cell and sinew in my body that threatened to go limp in his arms. This is my first kiss too…

No one had ever kissed me like it meant something.

hair. “Have you ever been in love, James?” “Yes, sir.” “What’s it like?” “The sweetest agony. A torture from which you never want to escape.” “Sounds terrible.” His eyebrows rose questioningly. “God, no,” I said, waving my hands. “I’m not capable. I just want to know the warning signs. For…science.” “The warning signs are part of the thrill, sir,” James said as he opened the car door for me. “It’s like skiing down a mountain. You’re scared shitless, dodging moguls, the wind whipping through your hair, and adrenaline coursing through your veins. Before you realize it, you’re at the bottom and you don’t remember the fear. Only the exhilaration.” I gaped. “Good grief, James… You’re a romantic.” “I’ve been told, sir.” “A question: what happens if, while you’re racing down the slope, you hit an ice patch, go veering off course and slam into a tree?” “In that case, you hope the ride was worth it.”

It’d been months and I still couldn’t let him go. No matter how many days slogged by without a word from him or how many nights I spent gripping myself to memories of us, there was always more. More loneliness, more need, more missing him.

“Look. When you’re down in the shit, it’s impossible to imagine a better life than what you have. But it’s there. You just have to trust yourself enough to reach for it.”

“I never told him,” I said in a broken whisper. “He told me he loved me, and I never said it back. Not where he could hear it.” “Go to wherever he is, and you just say it.” “Because it’s that easy.” “No, it’s scary as shit,” Silas said. “But damn, Holden. Think of what could be waiting for you on the other side.”

“I love you,” Holden said. “I’m in love with you, River.” His green eyes were clear, and the usual caustic tint in his voice was gone, leaving his words raw and naked. “I could’ve told you a thousand times over the years, but I thought it wouldn’t have meant anything coming from someone like me. Someone fucked up and broken. Alaska taught me that, and it’s taken me a long time to unlearn it. I still am.” He shook his head, tears brimming in his green eyes, turning them liquid. “I’m sorry for every single ounce of pain I’ve ever caused you, River. But I love you and if you give me a chance, I’ll make up all those years. Every second.” He swallowed. “Or…if you want me to go, I’ll go. If it’s too late—” “It’s not too late,” I said, holding him tighter “I love you, too. Christ, I’m so in love with you, I don’t know how I made it through all the days until this one.” “I’m sorry,” he whispered, bringing his mouth to mine and kissing me softly. “I’m so sorry. But I needed the time to make myself good for you, because you’re so good, River. The best of us. You deserve the best I can give you.” “I don’t give a shit about what I deserve,” I said, roughly gripping him around the collar, my hands cupping his jaw. “I just want you. I love you. I love you so much…”

Holden rolled me to my side, pulled my back to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. “Sleep. You need the rest.” “I need you.” Holden held me tight, his lips on my neck, softly kissing. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Finally, Holden raised his head, hair tousled, eyes shining. “I’m about to say something extremely emotional and honest. Don’t hold it against me.” “You can say anything to me.” He swallowed hard. “Thank you for loving me when I didn’t.”

“Thank you for giving me back to myself,” I said, tears in my own eyes. “And I’m sorry.” “For what?” “When you left, I thought the loneliness would kill me. But I realized today at the Shack that I’d made you lonely, too. I made you lonely while we were still together, when my stupid fears and self-doubt kept us in hiding. I’m so sorry for that, Holden. You deserve to be loved out loud.”

The heat of River’s body and his love for me burn away the cold that I thought was permanently imbedded into the marrow of my bones. And I know that one day, there will be nothing left.