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“I never told him,” I said in a broken whisper. “He told me he loved me, and I never said it back. Not where he could hear it.” “Go to wherever he is, and you just say it.” “Because it’s that easy.” “No, it’s scary as shit,” Silas said. “But damn, Holden. Think of what could be waiting for you on the other side.”
“I love you,” Holden said. “I’m in love with you, River.”
“I could’ve told you a thousand times over the years, but I thought it wouldn’t have meant anything coming from someone like me. Someone fucked up and broken. Alaska taught me that, and it’s taken me a long time to unlearn it. I still am.”
“I’m sorry for every single ounce of pain I’ve ever caused you, River. But I love you and if you give me a chance, I’ll make up all those years. Every second.”
“I’m so sorry. But I needed the time to make myself good for you, because you’re so good, River. The best of us. You deserve the best I can give you.”
Finally, Holden raised his head, hair tousled, eyes shining. “I’m about to say something extremely emotional and honest. Don’t hold it against me.” “You can say anything to me.” He swallowed hard. “Thank you for loving me when I didn’t.”
“Thank you for giving me back to myself,” I said, tears in my own eyes. “And I’m sorry.” “For what?” “When you left, I thought the loneliness would kill me. But I realized today at the Shack that I’d made you lonely, too. I made you lonely while we were still together, when my stupid fears and self-doubt kept us in hiding. I’m so sorry for that, Holden. You deserve to be loved out loud.”
The day dawned, and we woke wrapped in each other. Holden was warm in my arms and I made a new vow that I’d never let anyone take anything from him again.
“I love you. And Holden, that happiness you feel right now? Don’t second-guess it. You deserve it.”
He puts his arms around me stiffly and just before he can pull away, I hug him back. Our stiffness melts and he holds me close; I smell Old Spice and cigars, aftershave and fabric softener. He smells like a dad and tears threaten.
“I love you, Holden. I love your humor and wit. I love how you’re always the best-dressed person in a room. And the smartest. I love how you’d give away every penny of your wealth to someone you love without hesitation. I love how you give it away to strangers.
You’ve been through hell and I love how hard you fight, every day. You’ve lost so much…” I say, and I know he understands I mean what his parents did to him, “…and I don’t have much to give, but I can give you my name. If you’ll have it.”
