More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
But just as potent were the thousands of emotions swirling in my chest. Instead of feeling constricted, I could breathe. Maybe for the first time in months. Years, even.
Everything this bastard said or did, every look that flashed across his eyes, was sexy as hell.
“I hate they did that to you,” I said gruffly, my throat thick. “I’d kill them…anyone who tried to do it again…”
I was jacking myself in a pool with my thumb in a guy’s mouth. No caution. No control. Years of discipline falling apart in an instant.
The part of me that had been brave and tasted real life wanted him to turn around. A smaller, weaker part was glad he didn’t.
He was smarter than probably anyone knew. Humble and kind. My stupid, shriveled little heart felt like it was reaching for everything he was…and that I was not.
I’d been born a wreck; the conversion therapy had finished the job. There was nothing more to know.
Now there was nothing left. Because it was a mistake.
Our song. Nothing was ours. There was no us. But Miller sang that if you never try, you’ll never know, and the words pierced me like arrows.
“Stop thinking, River,” Holden whispered. “We’re here. Right now.” He leaned in. “What are you going to do?”
hard on mine, demanding, but infused with a strange softness that I felt everywhere. I felt him in his kiss, along every cell and sinew in my body that threatened to go limp in his arms. This is my first kiss too…
He pulled me out of the lake and breathed life into me…
“What do you want?” Holden whispered hotly against my neck. “You can do whatever you want to me.” “I don’t want to do whatever I want. We should do what we want. What feels right.”
I held my breath, my heart crashing against my ribs, waiting for lightning to strike me dead or shame to engulf me. But I slipped my hands inside, wrapped my fingers around him, and felt only relief and lust. Wanting this for him and for me, and for the years I’d spent denying myself.
This, a thought whispered in and out of my head. This is what I want…
“I want to make you come,” I said thickly. “And I want to watch.”
“How do you know how to do that?” Holden gasped out as I bit, sucked, and then swirled my tongue over the sensitive nub, all the while my hand worked over his cock. “Don’t know,” I murmured. “Just want this.” For you.
His release spurted hot over his stomach and over my fingers, and I claimed it. It was mine. His every pounding heartbeat and hitched breath and agonized groan, all mine.
“Feliz Natal, doce menino.” Merry Christmas, sweet boy.
fácil amar você, meu doce menino. Mas você tem que se deixar ser amado.”
gentle whisper, like a lullaby. It’s easy to love you, my sweet boy. But you have to let it in.
The intensity that burned between them was singular. Powerful. I had that with River, and I wanted it back.
“This is to say thanks for a book?” I managed as his tongue licked and swirled. “What happens if I buy you an entire bookstore?”
River infused me in every pore, his kiss leaving me stupid with happy euphoria. Leaving me with a piece of himself so that I wasn’t alone.
“I want you inside me,” Holden breathed against my lips, his hands roaming my naked skin.
“Give it to me,” I breathed, shocked at the words coming out of my mouth. At the raw need that had my body in a feverish clench as I drove into him again and again.
“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that? But it turns out, I can’t fucking live without you.”
“I love you, Holden. That’s real. It’s the most fucking real thing I’ll ever know.”
“It’s so easy and yet I’ve been making it so complicated my whole life. Boxing up how I felt and shoving it away. But I can’t do it anymore.
Dad stared as if seeing me for the first time. Which I supposed was true. The first day of the life I was always meant to live.
“Though it’s not every day the big, hunky quarterback of the football team comes out as gay. Half the school is in shock; the other half thinks you’re even sexier than you were before.”
“You make my son happy. That’s a gift. The greatest gift I’ll ever receive.”
“You aren’t losing me, honey. Please don’t forget that.” Then she smiled, so beautiful in her happiness. “And he’s not gone yet. There’s always hope.”
How was it possible to feel this broken and yet whole at the same time? To have my heart saturated in grief and love in equal parts. To have my body wracked by the greatest pleasure I’d ever known while pain gripped my soul.
I wanted him to come on my bed, in my sheets. It was dirty and raw, but I was going to sleep wrapped in everything that was him.
I walked home under a gray sky; an early morning walk-of-shame without the shame. Only a howling pain I pushed down. One that the voices in my head told me I deserved.
Before I jam my tongue down your throat in front of the Virgin Mary.
When you’re down in the shit, it’s impossible to imagine a better life than what you have. But it’s there. You just have to trust yourself enough to reach for it.”
“I never told him,” I said in a broken whisper. “He told me he loved me, and I never said it back. Not where he could hear it.” “Go to wherever he is, and you just say it.” “Because it’s that easy.” “No, it’s scary as shit,” Silas said. “But damn, Holden. Think of what could be waiting for you on the other side.”
Outside, the night air was warm and thick—summer in New York City, and I wore only a lightweight jacket. A major achievement, even if no one knew it.
I heaved a breath. “I have to take a shot. I love him too much.” Silas’s eyes filled. “You know that’s a victory over Alaska, right? Being able to love someone without the self-hate, shame, and guilt getting in the way. We gotta grab our victories wherever and whenever we can and hold on.”
“I’m going to ride this cock, River,” he said, giving me another squeeze. “I’m going to make you come so hard, you’ll want to sleep again.” He bent over me, whispering hotly. “But I won’t let you.”
I couldn’t get deep enough in him, couldn’t give enough of myself to him. Everything. I want to give him everything.
Finally, Holden raised his head, hair tousled, eyes shining. “I’m about to say something extremely emotional and honest. Don’t hold it against me.” “You can say anything to me.” He swallowed hard. “Thank you for loving me when I didn’t.”
“Thank you for giving me back to myself,” I said, tears in my own eyes. “And I’m sorry.” “For what?” “When you left, I thought the loneliness would kill me. But I realized today at the Shack that I’d made you lonely, too. I made you lonely while we were still together, when my stupid fears and self-doubt kept us in hiding. I’m so sorry for that, Holden. You deserve to be loved out loud.”
They used to call me a vampire, but River’s kisses drain me of rational thought and leave me dizzy and weak, the sexy bastard.
heat of River’s body and his love for me burn away the cold that I thought was permanently imbedded into the marrow of my bones. And I know that one day, there will be nothing left.
We kiss and breathe against each other’s lips I love you, and my happiness knows no end because I know Holden not only feels it, but he believes it too.
“You were brave tonight, laying your heart out there for everyone to see.” “It’s for you,” I say. “Just for you.”
I kiss Holden Parish, my love for him pulsing through me with fierce pride. Because he made it. He’s here. He’s finally home.
