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So when I met someone who was the physical embodiment of good, I sabotaged it.” Silas’s eyes lit up. “You met someone?” I nodded. “But I’m pretty sure I thoroughly fucked it up. I’ve seen him once in three years.”
River was an infusion of everything I’d gone without—a disruption of the status quo. Being with him was too good.” Tears threatened. “I fought us every step of the way.”
“Once I got a little bit of clarity, it was easy,” I said. “I never wanted anyone after River. I still don’t.”
“I’d give my right testicle to call him my River.”
“I never told him,” I said in a broken whisper. “He told me he loved me, and I never said it back. Not where he could hear it.” “Go to wherever he is, and you just say it.” “Because it’s that easy.” “No, it’s scary as shit,” Silas said. “But damn, Holden. Think of what could be waiting for you on the other side.”
“Who did that to you?”
“I love you,” Holden said. “I’m in love with you, River.”
“I could’ve told you a thousand times over the years, but I thought it wouldn’t have meant anything coming from someone like me. Someone fucked up and broken. Alaska taught me that, and it’s taken me a long time to unlearn it. I still am.”
“I’m sorry for every single ounce of pain I’ve ever caused you, River. But I love you and if you give me a chance, I’ll make up all those years. Every second.”
“Or…if you want me to go, I’ll go. If i...
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“It’s not too...
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“I love you, too. Christ, I’m so in love with you, I don’t know how I made it through all...
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“I’m so sorry. But I needed the time to make myself good for you, because you’re so good, River. The best of us. You deserve the best I can give you.”
“That’s not all I gave up. I haven’t so much as looked at another man since our night in Paris.”
“Something funny?” “You’re fucking adorable when you grovel.”
“I told you, I only love you, dummy.”
“You never took another model out for a test drive? Never?” “I tried. Once. Just last week, actually.” Holden’s jaw ticked. “Yeah? How’d that go? Cataclysmically awful, I hope.”
“You’re even more adorable when you’re bei...
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“Sleep. You need the rest.” “I need you.”
“I’m proud of you for doing that.” “I’m proud of me too,” he said dryly. “For lying half-naked in the same bed with you for hours and not losing my goddamn mind.”
He groaned. “Fuck, River.” “Yes, that.”
“I nearly forgot how big you are.” “Christ, Holden…” “I’m going to ride this cock, River,”
“I’m going to make you come so hard, you’ll want to sleep again.”
“But I won’t l...
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“You’re beautiful,” Holden said, gazing at my naked body. “I missed you. Every part of you.” He bent and
reverently laid a kiss on the tip of my cock. Then he dragged his tongue over my length in a long, slow lick with the wicked gleam in his eye that I loved so much.
The years were falling away, minute by minute. Every touch, every heated breath, every kiss a promise that there’d be no more cold nights in empty beds.
I watched the grimace of pleasure play over his face. Kissed his moans off his lips and drank them down.
“If you touch me, I’m going to come.” “I want you to come,” I breathed tightly. “All over me.”
Everything. I want to give him everything.
“Holden…” I gritted out. “Come, baby,” he whispered, leaning over me now, our hands locked, fingers intertwined. “Come inside me. Right now…”
Finally,
“I’m about to say something extremely emotional and honest. Don’t hold it against me.” “You can say anything to me.”
“Thank you for loving me when...
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“Thank you for giving me back to myself,”
“And I’m sorry.” “For what?” “When you left, I thought the loneliness would kill me. But I realized today at the Shack that I’d made you lonely, too. I made you lonely while we were still together, when my stupid fears and self-doubt kept us in hiding. I’m so sorry for that, Holden. You deserve to be loved out loud.”
Holden was warm in my arms and I made a new vow that I’d never let anyone take anything from him again.
Because that’s what he does, I think, watching River admire the car. He brings things back to life.
“You spend so much time at the shop, depriving me of the pleasure of you in your work clothes, greased and sweaty, bent over a car…” “I’ll bend you over this car right now,”
“I dare you…” I squeeze.
“We’re saying we have disowned your parents,” Reg says. “We have cut them out of our lives, divested ourselves of any joint financial ventures, and have requested they never contact us again.”
“Why…?” I clear my throat and try again. “Why would you do that?”
“I love you. And Holden, that happiness you feel right now? Don’t second-guess it. You deserve it.”
He smells like a dad and tears threaten.
The heat of River’s body and his love for me burn away the cold that I thought was permanently imbedded into the marrow of my bones. And I know that one day, there will be nothing left.
“What are you doing?” Holden whispers hoarsely.
“Making it real.”
“I love you, Holden. I love your humor and wit. I love how you’re always the best-dressed person in a room. And the smartest. I love how you’d give away every penny of your wealth to someone you love without hesitation. I love how you give it away to strangers. You’ve been through hell and I love how hard you fight, every day. You’ve lost so much…”
and I don’t have much to give, but I can give you my name. If you’ll have it.”
“Will you marry me?”
