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What happened in Alaska was now woven into my marrow. My cells and bones. A cold that would never let me go.
“You’re not physically cold,” said the Ghost of Therapy Sessions Past. “It’s a psychological manifestation of the trauma you endured during the conversion therapy.”
a manic wildness was infiltrating me, fueled by old pain that was waking with a vengeance and greased by guilt for what I’d done to River.
My thoughts took off to the races—whispers from Alaska that said I was worthless, unlovable, that I ruined everything I touched…because it was true.
River following after, his expression still hard and carefully composed. I did that. I sucked his smile away like the vampire I am…
Leave me to the water. I’d rather slip into its frigid depths than believe my parents wanted this for me…
I couldn’t look at any of them with their eager, hopeful, “Let’s be a family” expressions. They didn’t save me then. They can’t save me now.
“Is that what they stole from you in Alaska?” “What…?”
“You said nothing good could come of you being with that guy. Is that what they taught you? That you’re no good?”
When Mom’s gone, the spokes are going to fly off this wheel and who the hell knows where we’ll land.
“It’s like everyone assumes we’re all built the same way—as if we have a default setting. If you’re different, you start to believe something’s wrong with you.”
Holden had laughed it off, but it hadn’t been a game. In that moment it had been real. A crazy desire washed over me to protect him from something that had already happened.
“I hate they did that to you,” I said gruffly, my throat thick. “I’d kill them…anyone who tried to do it again…”
Holden’s eyes widened, that shocked expression coming over him again. As if no one had defended him before, wanting to protect him instead of hurt him.
He’s the calm. You’re the storm. This is never going to work…
“River Whitmore,” he murmured to the ceiling. “There was nothing fucking casual about that.”
River had no idea how good he was, or how his goodness bashed up against everything broken in me. I’ll just ruin him too…
River infused me in every pore, his kiss leaving me stupid with happy euphoria. Leaving me with a piece of himself so that I wasn’t alone.
He’s never been treated the way he deserves to be treated. Never asked for it for himself.
Mom was the sun with the rest of us revolving around her as long as we could before she burned out.
When River tells me he loves me, the poison whispers that he’s lying. When I want to say it back, the poison tells me my words aren’t worth the breath it takes to utter them. The poison commanded me to run away, and I did, even though I’d have given anything to stay.
He was potent virility wrapped in kindness. Masculine perfection with a heart as deep as… “The Grand Canyon,” I murmured.
“But you saved me too, Holden. You kept me sane. I wouldn’t have made it out if it weren’t for you.” “I find that hard to believe,” I said. “But I’m trying.”
“I’m so sorry. But I needed the time to make myself good for you, because you’re so good, River. The best of us. You deserve the best I can give you.”
