The Edge of Reason (The Edge Series, #3)

by J. Saman

He takes another sip of his beer and I wonder if he’s hiding a grin of his own. “Thank you for stepping in and saving me.” “I wanted to kick his ass before tossing him off the cliff.” “Yes, but then we would have had to do the same with Brielynne because she would have been a witness. One homicide we might be able to get away with, but two?” I make a tsking sound. “I doubt it. You wouldn’t do well in prison, my friend. That handsome face of yours would make you the belle of the ball.”

His arm wraps around my shoulders, holding me close. “It’s the escape. I get it, freckles. I just don’t like that you feel you need it. I wish you knew how incredible you are. I wish when you looked at yourself, you saw everything I see. Brielynne has nothing on you.” My chest clenches as a sad smile reluctantly bounces up my lips. I sometimes wish you weren’t my best friend and in love with another woman. “I’m working on it.”

I swallow the lump of sugar bread in my mouth, practically choking as I lock eyes on Aria. I haven’t mentioned how Drew came to my rescue yet. Or the kiss. Probably because I’m not sure how Aria will react to the fact that I practically made out with her ex-boyfriend. It isn’t even like they briefly dated. They were living together. They were in love. Drew is still in love with her and would probably toss me in front of an oncoming car if it meant he’d get another shot with her. I know the kiss meant nothing. I know it was him offering me a life raft. He’s my best friend, and we’ve never ever played the cross over into more game. He doesn’t look at me like that. He probably doesn’t even see me as a woman–just Margot. Which is fine. Fantastic really, because Drew is essential in my life. So why can’t I stop thinking about the kiss?

Close girlfriends are like therapists you drink with. I think I read that somewhere and it’s true. But that therapy session comes with a lot of commentary and opinions.

Halle drops her head to my shoulder, resting it there. “True, you haven’t made the best calls in the past.” Understatement of the century. “And you and Drew are a match made in best friend heaven. And yes, he’s ten years older–” “Nine.” “Nine years older. Whatever. But you know,” she twists her head to meet my eyes, “sometimes best friends make the best lovers and partners.” “I’m not sleeping with you, Halle. Gingers are not my type.” She smacks my arm, throwing me a pointed look I’m choosing to ignore. “We’re done with this. He was saving me from a crappy situation and that’s all. Please, let it go.”

My phone rings and when I see the familiar set of gray eyes staring back at me in the form of his picture, I smile. My finger swipes across the screen and I answer by saying, “I’m taking a vow of celibacy.” “Well now you have an excuse for turning down all the men who fall to their knees for you.”

“I’m not kidding, Drew.” “I’m not either, Margot.” “I seriously think I need a break from all men.” “All men? What about me?” I inwardly smirk at the way his voice dips. He doesn’t mean to flirt, it’s just a natural part of his nature. I doubt he’s even aware he did that. Sound suggestive. “You’re not a man. You’re a Drew.” “I promise you, I may be a Drew, but I am also all male.”

“Keep spewing lies like that and I won’t buy your drink. We both know I’m an amazing kisser. You practically swooned in my arms after.” He runs a hand through his wavy chestnut locks. “Sidebar, I forgot to mention before I kissed you that I have this weird growth on my lip. I’m sure it’s nothing. Not the least bit contagious.” “You should stop eating sketchy pussy.” Drew bursts out laughing but tries to stifle it when the woman in front of us turns around with a disgusted expression. “Sorry,” I mumble sheepishly, making Drew choke. The woman twists back around, but I don’t think we made a friend there.

I inwardly sigh at that, wrapping my arms around her and drawing her back into my chest because, yes, that makes sense. In a very Margot way. At least she’s telling me this time instead of trying to hide it. What frustrates me most about Margot is the way she sees herself. She’s not broken. She’s resilient and complicated and beautifully flawed.

Something I never even considered would become a difficulty when the deed happened. One kiss. That’s all it was. How is it even possible that one kiss can change the course of a man’s mind? I’ve kissed dozens of women and left it at that. But… I’m looking at Margot. I’m thinking about Margot. I’m envisioning Margot. All of which in ways I’ve never done before. She’s become my Pandora’s box. The scary lethal weapon I would happily lick up and drink down like delicious poison intended to kill, as long as she punishes me with blissful death. You can obviously see where I’ve gone with this. Because as I hold her here in my arms, my mind wanders to uncharted waters with her. I want to tie her up, blindfold her, and smack her pretty ass. I want her begging and submissive beneath me. I want to revel in her sounds of ecstasy at my touch. Jesus, just the idea of her wet for me gives me an instant hard-on, which is why I release her and take a step back.

“Mmm,” she hums, licking the excess chocolate from her lips. “Oreo with the peanut butter and caramel drizzle is freaking brilliant.” “I know. That might be my new go-to.” “I was digging the toffee. It went great with the coffee,” she giggles, and I roll my eyes. “How long were you waiting to say that?” “Since you ordered it.” I catch her smirking out of the corner of my eye. She’s absolutely drenched. So am I, but my t-shirt isn’t showing off what hers is. Lacy bra with

“I told you we would,” is all Drew replies. “Yes, but it’s not like you come out here all that often. I wouldn’t have been surprised if something else had come up for you. At least you brought my favorite girl.” She gleams at me. I give her a hug, and she pats my face like I’m nine. “Ah, Margot. As pretty as always. When will you wise up and marry my son?” I snort. “Probably when we’re both reincarnated into our next lives and we’re stuck in an apocalyptic-like situation, à la Terminator, and the fate of the world rests in our hands.” “It’s a shame, darlin’, but if you won’t marry him, Jamie over there is anxious to see you.” Drew visibly stiffens. “Why would Jamie care if Margot is here?” His mother scowls at him like she’s about to smack him upside his head to knock some sense into him. “Because he’s single and she’s single and you’ve let us all know that you’re just friends.”

But for real? Who the fuck runs five miles on their day off? And who the motherfuck drags their best friend along for the miserable trip?

“Can we walk it?” His smile is unstoppable. “Put your arms above your head. It will help with your stitch.” I grumble out a slew of curses under my breath at the smug, all-knowing, too in-shape bastard. “I never said I have a stitch.” “No. But you splinting your uninjured ribs was a tip-off. We can walk it if you need to.” “I don’t need to. But I can see you’re seriously hurting right now so I’ll make a concession just this once.” He’s laughing at me again. “I appreciate your mercy. I’m not sure I would have lasted much longer.” I wave my hand over him as if giving him a blessing.

I’ll likely be crying out his name in post-carb overload bliss. But that’s part of my problem. I’m thinking about the various ways I could cry out his name. Something I’ve never ever done before with anyone. That alone should have me keeping my distance from him. And I hate that thought. I hate that I no longer trust myself with my friend because he foolishly and unthinkingly planted his lips on mine and now looks at me as if he suddenly discovered I am in fact female and wear panties that he might in fact be interested in discovering the color of.

“Come run with me.” She lets out a loud indignant snort. “The fuck you say?” See, that’s why I need Margot. My perfect Christian girl with the dirtiest mouth I’ve ever heard not only puts me through my paces but sets me straight. “Your thighs could use the exercise.” I smile stupidly up at her.

“You’re a liar. I have fantastic thighs.” I nod. “I am. And you do.” “Andrew Alexander Albright, it’s too early for this. I’m going back to bed.” “Is that an invitation?” She scoffs and then snorts, brushing her wild dark sleep-mussed curls back and out of her face. “I don’t typically invite men who are all hot and sweaty up to my bed with me.” I grin wickedly. “Just the men who can make you all hot and sweaty? I’m pretty good at that, you know.”

“And you look serene and angelic up there.” And beautiful. So fucking beautiful I can’t make sense of anything else right now. “You should try it. Relaxing.” That’s the best offer I’ve had in years. Even if it’s not real. “Some other time. Taking it easy isn’t exactly my style.”

I haven’t stopped thinking about him in all the ways I shouldn’t. All damn day. Every goddamn day. His lips on my neck at Fenway. The almost kiss on my couch. The way he looked at me from only inches away. The way he ran to my apartment and stood beneath my window. My heart still flutters at that. I’ve tried to push it all back into safe, neutral territory. I genuinely have. It’s why I haven’t seen him all week outside of work. Because somewhere along the way, my thoughts of him shifted from friends to…more. To things like desire and lust and want and well, more. There is no calling this a crush. Drew could never be just a crush.

This new Drew? This new sexualized version of Drew? Of us? It keeps me on the tips of my toes. Keeps me up nights, thinking, wondering, plotting. The broken, damaged girl, the scared one who hides in the dark, is terrified of this. Of what it could potentially represent. The loss of the one and only man I’ve ever truly trusted. The one thing Drew and I had going for us is that we never went there. He was my safe haven. The one I relied on during times when I felt like I had no one else. And now? Now it’s all jumbled up. The grown woman in me, the one desperate to rid herself of that broken, damaged girl revels in this. Drew. I mean, gah! He’s everything and a bag of chips with some amazing dip on the side. He’s the dream and the fantasy, and lately, he seems to want me.

“Margot,” I introduce. “I’m friends with Jonah’s better half.” I find Jonah and wink at him, because I cannot stand being rude and ignoring Jonah at his party feels rude. Jonah joins us, leaning in to give me a hug. “I won’t argue that. I’m thrilled you and Drew came. Poor Rina had to work tonight, and Aria is coming without Wes, though I think Brecken might try to come.” “No matter. This is a great party. I’m so happy to be here. Thank you for having me.” “I think Halle was about to go mad without her people here.” “I’m sorry, but yes, we’re way cooler and a lot more fun than your stuffy friends. Happy birthday, Jonah. You don’t look a day over forty.” I step back, winking at him so he knows I’m joking. He laughs, shaking his head at me. “You’re brutal for my ego.”

“Then why the shots if that’s not what you wanted? Why drink with him?” He heaves a harsh breath. “I started talking to a former work friend, and the next thing I know, you’re with him.” “What are you doing, Drew? Why did you carry me in here? You sound like a jealous boyfriend.”

He’s wrecking me and he doesn’t even know it. Or maybe he does and is past the point of caring. His hands grip my hips, his chest against my back. I do my best to ignore him as I rinse my hands in the scalding water, patting them against the pink stain I’m likely making worse. “I didn’t like you drinking with him,” he finally says, and I shake my head, so goddamn angry with him. He has no right. Just like I have no right.

I grin, running a hand across my stubbled jaw. “Sleep okay?” “Yeah. I always do when I’m here.” “But not so much at home?” I push because it sounded like there was something else to that. “No. I do. But I…,” she trails off, glancing toward the thin shade covering the window. “I guess I just sleep better knowing you’re here.” Christ, does she have to say things like that? It’s not only sexy and provocative, but it makes the man in me who wants to protect her endlessly pound his goddamn chest like a mindless barbarian.

“Nothing is ever complete, Drew. There is always something else you’re going to want to accomplish. You need to find a calm place otherwise you’ll drive yourself insane.” I lay back on her bed, my hands intertwined behind my head, my elbows butterflied out. I stare up at the ceiling and let out a silent breath. “I have that with you,” I whisper, slightly afraid of the result of that truth, but it’s there and I won’t take it back. She’s home. She’s always been home. I’m able to relax with Margot. I’m calm with her. Well, usually. I can be myself. She’s the only person I’ve ever fully had that with.

“Then why do you seem so on edge lately? So… I don’t know. Sad, maybe?” I inwardly grin. Does she really not know? Does she really not see? I doubt I’ve been very good at hiding myself from her. That’s certainly not one of my strong suits, and I haven’t tried very hard to. I want her to see this. To see me as a man and not just her Drew.

“Fun. You get anything sexy?” I ask, testing her right back. She lets out an awkward laugh. “Don’t you want to know what Aria got?” “Not even a little,” I tell her honestly. “I want to know what you got.” I’m pushing her. I know I am. But I don’t want to stop. I’m tired of playing every game by the rules. Of always being safe. Of chronically being the least emotionally engaged person in the room.

“I guess you are,” she finally concedes, her voice quiet and her tone a perfect combination of nervous and aroused. That natural pink tint to her cheeks deepens and her warm eyes grow just a touch darker. She’s fucking stunning. She blows away every erotic fantasy I’ve ever had. Margot. My crazy, sexy, out of control, wild girl. How did I not see you sooner? Not realize what was always right in front of me?

“Yes. Yes. Drew!” comes out on the scream I promised her, the phone falling back so all I’m able to see is her white popcorn ceiling. But I don’t care. I can hear her. I’m the one she’s picturing. I’m the one doing this to her. A surge of caveman quality pride roars through me.

“So that happened.” A laugh bursts forth from my chest. “It won’t be the last time it does either. Next time, we’ll do that together. In the same room.” “Um. I think…” “Stop thinking. I’m going to hang up and take care of myself with thoughts of you on my mind.” I narrow my eyes. “But don’t get weird on me, freckles. I don’t

regret it for a second and you better not either.” She stares at me, her expression unmoved. “Goodnight?”

“Do you want me to come over?” I ask; because I’ll fly out of this bed and get to her place so fucking fast I’ll make her head spin. If she’s ready, if she’s in this, I’m there in seconds and hell, I’ll never leave. I’d never have to. “No.” My chest caves in. “We have to work tomorrow. Together,” she adds like that makes all the difference, and my world shatters apart. She let me get her off, but she doesn’t want me. Not really. I’m still Drew to her. “So, goodnight.” She disconnects the call and all I can think is, holy shit. Did I just mess everything up?

“Drew,” I yell, my hands planted in his chest. He’s panting, his eyes stormy with blood-lust, his body coiled with a murderous fury I’ve never witnessed on him before. He’s staring at Julien like he’s about to kill him. “Drew,” I say again, reaching up and cupping his face, dragging his reluctant gaze down to me. “He’s full of shit.” Drew tries to shake me off, but I won’t let him. “Look at me. You of all people know he’s full of shit. Let’s go. He’s not worth it.” His charcoal eyes sear into mine. “But you are.”

He releases my hand, opening the car door for me because his mother brought him up right, but before I can slide in, he grabs me, hauling me into his chest and hugging me with a fierceness I can’t help but return. He holds me like this, his face buried in my neck, mine in his shoulder as we each breathe in the other. “Did he hurt you?” “No,” I whisper. “But I’m still really glad you were there.” “I’m always there.” He draws back, cupping my face in his hands as his eyes clash with mine. “Haven’t you figured that out yet? I’m always there for you.” His simple words hold so much meaning. A meaning I’m both terrified of and dying to discover. Everything is shifting before us, and I have no idea how to stop it. If I even want to.

“Tonight was the first time anyone has ever told me they love me. And the bastard didn’t even mean it. He used it as a weapon. It’s wrecking me, inside and out.” Jesus. I want to hit him all over again. This time harder. Do permanent damage. “No one?” I parrot. “Not even when you were a kid?” “No one. Never.” Fuck. That’s just… I can’t. I can’t stand this. Because I love Margot. I know I do. There is no hiding it or pretending or lying to myself. I love her. And not just as my best friend. As a woman. As a woman I want to be with. A woman I can’t seem to get enough of or stop thinking about. As a woman I will fight for and destroy anyone who dares to try and hurt her. And yet, I can’t tell her that. Certainly not now. Not after Julien came in and ruined her like that.

“Okay,” she sighs out, as she shakes off all this rough stuff. “Enough depressing stuff. I’m starving.” She plants me with an eager grin. “I’ll give you whatever you want if you feed me within the next half an hour.” It’s a joke. Right? I mean, obviously, it’s a joke. But is she daring me too? My frown grows into a full-blown cocky smile. If, sooner or later, things change and loss is inevitable, then fuck it. What the hell am I waiting for?

“Whatever I want?” I tilt my head playfully and she rolls her eyes, thinking I’m just being suggestive and flirtatious. “What if it’s you I want?” She giggles nervously, shifting around on her seat. “Now you’re just teasing me.” “What if I’m not? What if I’m being totally and completely serious?”

“Except he’s mine, so no thanks.” Yep, those words were said aloud by Margot. I flip in her direction so fast I have whiplash. Did she just say that? That she’s mine? My heart skitters to a halt.

That mind of hers is stewing and I let it, while I try to regain some semblance of control. I’m angry with her. The thought of attempting something real with me so abhorrent to her, yet she’ll yell at hostesses, flirt and drink with that Rex guy and hand over her body to fuck-wit assholes who don’t know how to pleasure her? That’s total crap. I’d give her just about anything she needs if she’d look me in the eyes or kiss my lips or fucking admit that her heart, her soul, her body all belong to me. Pathetic? Maybe just a bit. I’ve certainly never made concessions like this for a woman before. Just ask Aria.

“You’re going to break my heart.” Jesus. Her vulnerability cracks me open wide. I give her the only honesty I have. “I’d never break something so precious to me.” “I’m terrified of loving you. Of what that will do to me. To us.” “I might not give you the choice.”

He returns seconds later, drawing back the covers and pulling me in to join him. He wraps me up in his arms, holding me so close and so tight. Tears sting the backs of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. He kisses my face, my neck, my lips. He whispers things to me. Tells me how beautiful I am. How amazing that was. How he wants to do it again and again and again with me. And when he starts to touch me, caress me, kiss my mouth with single-minded focus and devotion, I let him. Knowing something this perfect won’t last.

I’ve done a horrible thing. I need you to meet me at The Hill as soon as you get this. That was my text to Aria five minutes ago. This is what I got in return. You’re too wonderful of a person to have done anything horrible. Aria was painting, but I let her know you sent that message and she stopped. I forced her into the shower because she was covered in paint, and she said she will be there in half an hour. This is Wes by the way.

I whisper, “I slept with Drew last night.” “That happened faster than I expected.” Only that wasn’t Aria who said that. It was Rina. I spin around so fast on the stool I nearly topple off it. “Shit,” I hiss, righting myself. “Warn a bitch before you sneak up on her.” Then I turn back to Aria. “You called in backup?” She nods sheepishly. “I was afraid I’d need it.” I bluster out a loud sigh, lifting my shot and inhaling it quickly before either one of them can try and take it from me.

“Because Drew and I aren’t friends anymore. We crossed the uncrossable line. Now there is no going back and I can’t stand this feeling of losing that. Why do men have to rock the boat with sex? Can’t they keep a reserve of blood flow in their brain for when they really need to think things through? Now it’s like… I don’t know. A Shakespearian tragedy. We can never regain what we’ve already lost.” “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” Aria quotes what I’m sure is Shakespeare, since she’s a pain in the ass like that. I hate it when she does that. Whip out the perfect quote at the perfect moment. “So you say, but the damage is already done.”

“Drew punched him?” Aria questions flatly. “Like with his hand?” I furrow my eyebrows at her. “How else is he supposed to punch him?” Aria smirks. Like big-time. “What?” “Nothing.” She shakes her head, a self-satisfied gleam to her eyes as she folds her arms over her chest. “Nothing at all. Please,” she waves a hand out at me before tucking it back into her chest, “continue.”

The waitress manages a slim smile before scuttling off. Then she turns on me. “Why did you run out?” “Can’t I wait for my drink before I answer that?” All three women reply, “No,” in unison. My face collapses into my arms, folded on the wood table. “Because I’m in love with him.”

“Am I the only one who’s still confused?” Halle asks after the longest minute of my life. “She doesn’t think Drew loves her back,” Aria supplies evenly. “She’s automatically programmed to believe the absolute worst of herself no matter the situation. She also thinks he’s still in love with me and though we all know he’s always harbored something for her, she’s never seen it.” “That’s a bold-faced lie.” “It’s not, honey.”

“If you believe that, then I guess I didn’t make myself as clear to you last night as I thought.” My head whips over to find Drew standing there, an impenetrable glacial stare freezing me over. Well, shit.

She couldn’t be more wrong. Aria doesn’t even register in my mind anymore. I not only want Margot, I’m in love with her. So there. Joke’s on her. She’s worried I’m going to hurt her? Back atcha, babe. She struck first when I woke up alone. That hurt like hell.

I realize now, looking at her, there has never been a time when I wasn’t in love with Margot. There was just a time when I convinced myself that I wasn’t.