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“If you love her, tell her. Tell her every chance you get. It’s not meant to be held back.”
I was careless when I kissed her that day out by the ocean. I hadn’t considered what that kiss would do to us. Where it would lead. That said, I don’t regret it. Even if she thinks I have been playing with her. But last night, I kissed her because not kissing her became too much of a burden to bear. I touched her body because touching her is like an endless world I have yet to discover. I realize now I’ve been watching her, almost obsessively. Since the day I met her. Jesus. How have I missed it? Ignored it in the name of loving another who I never felt half of what I feel with Margot?
“I missed you today. I missed you in my bed this morning. I had plans for that. If I didn’t know you’d enjoy it so much, I’d spank your ass for leaving the way you did.” She giggles into me, her arms snaking around my neck, and this is it. Me and Margot, chapter one. Fresh start and a new era. “I did like it when you spanked me last night. Evidently, I have a very submissive kinky side I was not aware of before.” And that just went directly to my dick because I have a very dominant kinky side that I am extremely aware of and rarely take out for tour.
Jonah hums out something that sounds like annoyance. “Honestly, we’re not all a bad lot. I think you women bring more of the drama to things than we do.” “That’s no lie, my friend.” I pat his shoulder. “But the struggle of sleeping with dudes is real, so I’m going to go over and offer up my two useless cents.” I plant a kiss on Drew’s cheek. “Have fun talking vagina.” Wes laughs. “We usually talk sports.” “Sports, vagina, whatever.” I throw them a wink and then saunter off to my table of girls, and Josh.
“Since we’re all for shock value right now, I’m contemplating getting down and dirty with Brecken since we’re the only two singles left standing,” Rina announces, and that’s when Aria topples backward off her chair, causing the entire bar to stop for exactly two seconds and stare. “Shit,” Rina cusses, pushing me aside and scrambling out of her seat, shooting over to Aria who is staring murder up at her. “I was kidding. Christ. Over-the-top reaction, much?”
“Brecken is a notorious womanizer and an eternal self-proclaimed bachelor so, no, not over-the-top reaction.” She wipes her pants of any non-existent dust and then crosses her arms, ready to lay into our friend. “I don’t want my friends getting involved with my brother. He’s bad news.” “He’s your brother,” Halle points out. Aria stabs a finger in her direction. “Exactly.” “She’s not wrong,” Josh agrees with a glint to his eyes. “He’s a fine piece of man candy for sure, but a total asshole to date. He used to ruin girls in high school. Just ask some of Aria’s former friends.”
“Yes. I’d really love some sushi.” I smirk, biting my lip to try and hide it. Even from myself. “And me, right? I’m part of that deal too. Not just the delicious sushi.” “And you. I’d really, really like you to come over and eat dinner with me. And spend the night. And take me on an incredible vacation.” And I’m crying. Tears weep down my face. Drew is my game changer. My impulse purchase. The one with the power over my kill switch. The love of my motherfucking life.
These last few weeks with Drew have been the hallmark of my life. I’ve foolishly held him back. And for what? Because I’ve been afraid of getting hurt? Afraid of getting in too far to the point where our friendship was no longer salvageable? Because my mother did irreparable damage to my self-esteem, and I grew up believing I was unworthy of anything special? I’ve got two words for you. Dumb. Fuck. That’s me. Life is so painfully short. And the happy times don’t always outdo the miserable ones. So why do we allow things like fear dictate our happy times? Dictate how we live? It’s so flipping
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“You won’t be needing this. Enjoy death, Margot.” And then she practically skips off in her crazy five-inch heels and pristine dress, leaving me here to die in an empty stairwell in the middle of the night in a fucking hospital after being dumped by the love of my life. Drew. Jesus Drew, please come back for me. Come find me. I can’t die after the fight we just had. Without him knowing, understanding how sorry I am for hurting him and just how much I love him. Another door slams and I know she’s gone.
I can hardly lift myself and there is no way I’ll be able to get down the stairs to the door. I have no strength left. No air and hardly a heartbeat. I feel it fading. Feel myself going. My heart skips erratically. My eyes are heavy, and they close. I try fighting them, but the pull is too strong. It’s compelling and cold and I’m so tired. I press my cheek to the unforgiving cement, and darkness consumes me.
I take a step back and then another one and another until I bump into the wall of the hallway where I sag down to the floor, my knees up and my face buried in my hands. I should call people. I should call her people. But I can’t. I have no words. No idea what I would say. It’s all my fault. I left her. I broke her heart, left her, and she was attacked. Tears drip down my face and into my hands. I’m going to lose her. Margot is going to die and I never got a chance to tell her how much I love her.
“I just want to look through the window,” I grit out. “I’ll do it,” Rina offers, squeezing my shoulder and pulling me back a step because somehow I ended up toe-to-toe with Jonah, Josh, and Brecken. “I’ll go watch.” I meet her steadfast gaze and nod.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out
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With Margot, it was effortlessly different. Even though we worked together, I thought of ways, excuses, to ditch out and just be with her. Lying in bed talking. Laughing in the rain. Watching her sing awful karaoke with my brothers. She filled me up, repaired my gaping holes. Reminded me that while I may save lives, I shouldn’t neglect mine. That difference was everything. “I can’t lose her, Aria. I’m so happy you have Wes because I have Margot and I love her. I love her in a way I couldn’t love you. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m not. I just–” Aria’s fingers clamp over my lips. She smiles so
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to get with my future wife, because I just saved the hell out of yours.” I laugh, squeezing Aria tighter against me, staring straight at Wes.
Jesus, I was stabbed. In the back. My chest clenches and I note that beep, beep, beep grows a little faster. How did that happen to me? Where is she now? Is she still here, lurking? No, she said she was going to leave on a flight, but she
could have been lying. And who found me on the stairs? What happened after I closed my eyes? Somehow, here I am, half-awake and likely dead, and I need to smack Drew for telling me I was a mistake and that we’re done. The boy is high if he thinks that’s the case.
“Margot, sweetheart. I’m starting to get worried.” That’s Drew. I’d know that surly authoritative tone anywhere. It sounds like he’s speaking so close to me, and it pulls me away from the comfort of the darkness. “You’re supposed to be awake by now.” Yep, that totally means I’m peeing into a bag in front of him. Humiliation complete. “I’m asking you to open your eyes now so you can bitch me out. I’ve spanked your beautiful ass, but right now, I’m the one who deserves the lashings.” That makes me want to smile.
“Holy shit. Did you just squeeze my hand?” Clearly, I’m superhuman and make strides like an Olympic athlete. “Do it again.” Christ, he’s so demanding. I’d tell him to knock that stuff off if I didn’t like that side of him. I think it’s hot and he knows it.
“I have no excuse for the things I said. For the way I behaved. I was jealous and angry and so fucking stupid,” he emphasizes. “I didn’t mean anything I said. I swear to God, I didn’t. You’re not a mistake. Never in a million years could you be. I thought I lost you after my awful words, and then I came back to
the stairwell…,” his voice cracks on the word, tears spilling over the edges of his eyes, rolling unchecked down his cheeks. “And then I thought I lost you again.” His forehead meets mine and he kisses my nose so gently I hardly feel the brush of his lips. “I promised I wouldn’t tell you how much I love you until you woke up and now that I’m looking into your pretty eyes, I’m terrified of losing you all over again.” He licks his lips. “I love you, Margot. So much it hurts like nothing else. And yet, it makes me so goddamn strong and whole. That’s what you do to me. You make me whole in a way
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The waiting room is still packed with Margot’s people. I mean, Jesus. They’re practically sprawled over every surface. But add to that, Josh’s new boyfriend, Des, my brothers, my mother and stepfather, and it’s a full house for my sassy little mouse.
“When you allow yourself to fall in love, you hand over your fears in the form of your heart to that person. After that, all you can do is hope to hell they keep it safe instead of dropping it for someone else to pick up and toy with.”
Her eyes well up before she just as quickly tucks it all back down. “I might just be freaking out a little.” “Over what? Staying here with me? My pathetic attempt at suggesting you move in permanently? Or is it everything else you’ve been through this past week?” “Door number three, Alex.”
I grin. “Wrong gameshow.” I lean in and kiss her lips. “I love you.” “Door number two might also be in there.” I take her hand.
“Okay. Come upstairs with me?” Yes, I pose it like a question. I need to give Margot a sense of control over this. A sense of power. Because right now, she feels helpless. She’s in pain. That’s for damn sure. She’s weak–physically and probably a bit emotionally as well. She feels lost and vulnerable and I know that likely scares her more than anything else. She tilts her head, studying me like I’m some rare specimen she’s never encountered before. “You really want me to move in?” I nod, grinning stupidly at her as I cup her face in my hands. “I really want you to move in. But more pressing in
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“You’re safe here. Safe with me. I’ll never let you go. Ever. I will help you slay your demons one by one until there is nothing left to haunt you. And one day, you’ll wake up and realize how strong you are. How you fought it all and won. That will be the day I take you away. The day I get down on one knee and make you mine for good. This is the official start of our happily ever after. It’s only up from here.”
Now there’s Drew. My Drew. The man I love like he’s my stars and moon and sun and blah blah, you get the idea.
My instinct was to go home, find whatever alcohol was in the house and drink myself dead. That’s how dark and lost I was.
Instead of doing any of that, I called Drew. I confessed to him what was going on and he called in a favor to a psychiatrist he’s friendly with, and she agreed to see me immediately. The three of us sat in her office, and for the following hour and a half, I let everything go. All of my awful, horrible, depraved, self-destructive thoughts. All of my urges and fears I laid on the table. Drew spent most of the session with his head in his hands, his face staring at the ground. He was a mess. I was a mess. But I was tired of running. Tired of hiding something that could no longer be hidden. It
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“There is no me without you,” he quickly replies, so full of meaning and heart I feel it deep in my bones. I kiss his lips again, infusing all the love I feel for him into this moment. This connection. A connection that will never ever end.
“If we never went home, what would we do all day?” “Well,” she hums like she’s actually given this some real consideration. “You’d work as a doctor at the local hospital.” “What about you?” I push when she doesn’t follow that up. “I’d fish.” I laugh out, taken off guard by her declaration. She smacks my arm. “What? I can fish.” I kiss her neck, directly on that spot that she likes so much. “I’d be an awesome fisherwoman.”
“What about this then?” I take her drink from her and set it down on the table before I swivel her in my arms. Clutching her hands in mine, I drop down to one knee, staring up into her startled brown eyes that instantly glass over. “Because I don’t think I can go any longer without asking you to be mine forever.” I reach into my pocket and slip out the ring I bought a couple of months ago. I slide it onto her finger just as the first of the tears hit her cheeks. “Will you marry me? Be by my side always? Because the simple truth is, there is no me without you.” A dazzling smile lights up her
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