Fortune and Glory: Tantalizing Twenty-Seven (Stephanie Plum, #27)

by Janet Evanovich

“This is a bad idea,” Lula said to me. “My nipples are all shrunk up and trying to hide inside my body. It’s like what men’s gonads do when someone comes at them with a butcher knife. Those suckers abandon ship and there’s nothing left but an empty nut sack. Not that I know firsthand. I’m just sayin’ what I hear.”

“That was a disappointing experience,” Lula said. “I need to elevate my endorphins. I say we go after the Cluck-in-a-Bucket fry cook, on account of I could try out those new donuts everyone’s talking about. They’re calling them chicken nuts because they fry the dough in the same oil as the fried chicken. I’m thinking some of those chicken nuts could take my endorphins to a whole new level. Besides it’s a real innovation in the world of fast-food frying. And you know I’m all about innovating.” I pulled away from the curb. “Onward to the chicken nuts.”

“And I know that Grandma has the keys.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “You planted a listening device on me again.” “Babe,” Ranger said. “You told me.” “Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot.” “I want to know what’s happening now. Starting with today when you visited Benny.” “How do you know about Benny?” I closed my eyes and held my hand up. “Never mind. Erase that question. I know the answer.” Early in our relationship Ranger decided it was his job to keep me alive. Placing a GPS locator on my car turned out to make his job goal more realistic.

“In the words of Indiana Jones, ‘I’m making it up as I go.’ Do you have any ideas?” “I do,” Ranger said. “You’re going to like them.” “Do these ideas involve Salgusta and Shine?” “Not even a little.” I was pretty sure I knew where this was going. Ranger had kept his distance, romantically speaking, while Morelli and I were a couple. Now that Morelli was out of the picture, it was game on for Ranger. “You look like you’re about to have a panic attack,” Ranger said. “Not the reaction I was going for.” “Yeah, caught me by surprise, too.” That got a smile. He reached out, pulled me close, and brushed a kiss across my neck, just below my ear. A second one lingered. “How’s the panic level?” he asked. “All-time high.” “With good reason,” Ranger said. “How about you? Are you feeling panicky?” His hands slipped under my T-shirt. “Panic isn’t included in my emotional package.”

“If it’s the treasure you’re actually interested in, ask yourself, what would Indy do?” Connie said. “Indy always comes through. Me not so much.” “Indy has what you have, perseverance,” Connie said. “Most of the time you don’t know what the heck you’re doing, but you stick with it, and eventually you get lucky.” “I haven’t got a lot of time to get lucky on this. Salgusta and Shine are also after the treasure, and they have two extra clues that I don’t have.”

Connie’s attention shifted to the door. “Uh oh,” she said. “Morelli’s here, and he doesn’t look happy.” I’d been dreading this. The Margo fiasco wasn’t going to help smooth things over with us. If anything, it was going to reinforce his position that I was a nut case. Morelli started out as a wild kid and turned into a more or less sane adult. I started out as a more or less normal kid and lately I’ve become a walking disaster.

She pulled Potts to his feet and pointed him at the door. “Time to go,” she said. “Auntie Lula is driving.”

“Maybe, but I have a new attitude. I’m going to be the ball-breaker I want to be.” “Who said that?” Lula asked. “Was that AC/DC? They had a lot of songs about balls.” “I don’t know. It just popped into my head.”

“I noticed you got a bunch of those things popping into your head lately. Motivational sayings. We should choose one and make business cards. Like how about Stephanie and Lula, Apprehension Agents. We do epic shit.” I liked it. Might not be accurate but it was something to work toward.

“I say we need to fortify ourselves before we knock on Trotter’s door,” Lula said. “I guess I’m up for doing some shit, but if we want it to be epic I need a breakfast sandwich. Something with cheese and sausage. Or maybe egg and bacon. Or maybe I could get one of each and combine them and make a super sandwich.”

My mother looked like she was trying to decide between booze or Xanax. I understood her dilemma. Her thankless job was to be the voice of reason and maturity in a family of oddballs. My father keeps his head down and wills himself to be invisible, occasionally barking for more hot gravy at the dinner table. My sister Valerie is married to a very sweet man who seems to be incompetent at everything other than keeping her pregnant. And then there’s me and Grandma with Superhero Derangement Syndrome.

“Everyone wants to be a better version of themselves,” he said. “It’s easy for you because you just needed a new jacket. For some other people the job is more complicated.”

Truth is, I didn’t know that for sure. And there was a decent possibility that someone would try to kidnap Grandma and me anytime, anywhere. Did this make me nervous? Yes. And fearful? Yes. Did I want to run away and hide somewhere? Yes. Was I going to run away and hide somewhere? No. I was raised to have a strong sense of responsibility to my family, my church, and my country. I wasn’t raised to run away and hide. When the going got tough or scary I was expected to dig in and soldier on, because I came from a long line of survivors. War, famine, pestilence didn’t stop my relatives from moving forward one foot in front of the other. They were good solid plodders without grandiose expectations. And that’s the legacy they left me. The ability to plod forward, no matter the circumstances. I realize plodding isn’t glamorous, but there are times when it serves a purpose.

“Lena told me. She helps out doing makeup on the deceased sometimes. She knows all about blending foundation to get just the right skin tone. She used to work the Estée Lauder counter at Macy’s.”

Ranger walked through the smoke, tugging Salgusta after him. He turned him over to the plainclothes guys and joined Morelli and me. He did a guy fist-bump thing with Morelli and turned his attention to what was left of the Porsche. Mostly a smoldering lump of blackened twisted metal and charred, melted car guts. “Babe,” Ranger said. “You never disappoint.” I blew out a sigh. “Sorry about your car.” “This might rival the time you got my Porsche flattened by a garbage truck.” I nodded. “Hard to top that one.” “While you two are walking down memory lane I’m going to check on Salgusta,” Morelli said. I looked over at Grandma, waiting in Morelli’s SUV. “And then we need to get to the reception,” I said to Morelli.

“I love you, too,” Grandma said. “Maybe that’s why God gave us death. So, we remember to love what’s alive.”

“The Mole Hole,” I said. Potts started humming, caught himself, and stopped. “Isn’t that like walking into the hornets’ nest?” Lula asked. “Yes,” I said. “That’s exactly what it is.” “Okay,” Lula said. “I’m in.” “Me, too,” Potts said.

I was back in the Buick. If Shine’s henchmen came after me, I’d deal with it. If necessary, I could mow them down. If Gabriela could do it in a Mercedes sports car, I could for sure do it with the Buick.

And it’s good to be cautious. It’s not good to be fearful. Fear isn’t a productive emotion.

Cautious but not afraid, I told myself. My new mantra.

I handed my gun over to Connie. “Do you have any bullets that fit this?” I asked. “I thought I should start carrying it. Just in case.” “Just in case is a good possibility,” Connie said.

My mom’s eyes were as big as saucers. I gave her a thumbs-up, and she did an eye roll so huge that it almost tipped her chair over.

Ranger drove into my apartment building’s lot and parked next to Grandma Mazur’s Buick. “You didn’t destroy any cars today,” Ranger said, “but you blew up a chapel, so your day wasn’t a complete bust.” “Technically Gabriela blew up the chapel.” “She chose poorly,” Ranger said. “It’s amazing that she was able to retrieve so many diamonds. I don’t imagine she’ll find all of them.” “I can guarantee it,” Ranger said, taking my hand and placing a diamond in it. “I thought you deserved a finder’s fee. You might not ever be able to cash this in, but you can put it in your underwear drawer with all your other treasures.” “I don’t have any other treasures.” “Not yet,” Ranger said.