If I Never Met You

by Mhairi McFarlane

“Do you not think it’s much more romantic to not be married?” Dan said. “If you’re together when there’s no practical ties, it’s really real.”

“Realer than when you’ve locked yourself into a governmental contract. We of all people know that legal stuff means nothing in terms of how much you love each other.”

“I’m saying, married people stay when it’s rough because they made this solemn promise in front of everyone they know, and they don’t want to feel stupid, and divorce is a big deal.

staying together out of love, not paperwork, was romantic. But if you flipped it around, he was also saying marrying made it too difficult to leave.

“To new beginnings. Love, Mum.”

As a lifelong believer in The One, in monogamous fidelity to the person who your heart told you was right for you, she was suddenly an atheist. If Dan wasn’t to be trusted, who could be?

In the years ahead, she knew plenty of people would tell her to be open to commitment again, to true love: that fresh starts were possible and it would be different this time. She knew she would smile and nod, and not agree with a word of it.

Laurie was no closer to understanding what the hell had happened. What did she do wrong? She couldn’t stop asking that.

Her only conclusion was that a distance must have developed between them, so slowly as to be imperceptible, so small as to be overlooked. And it had gradually lengthened.

“He says he doesn’t feel it, us, anymore.

He loves you to bits, I know he does.

She felt so wholly unprepared to be back out there. As Emily pointed out, she’d never really been there.

I can’t even think about it. I can’t imagine ever being any good for anyone ever again. I think Dan’s ruined me.”

don’t rule out the healing power of a purely physical fling. Sometimes, you don’t need face-holding I Love You intense meaningful sex.

There’s no good way of saying this.”

he’d done something he couldn’t undo.

“It’s not something I planned,” he said eventually. “I think . . . the end is more recent for you than for me, in that I wasn’t happy for a while.”

“Oh God, so we’re back to the idea you’d been miserable for ages?” “No, not ages!”

There is no “they,” a voice told her. There is “them” now.

“Who are you? I don’t even know. I really don’t even know.”

She had an enemy, a nemesis, a rival she never knew about,

“Obviously we were friends, before. Only friends though, nothing happened.”

you knew that you were going to get together with her when you left me, didn’t you?”

She could see in his eyes that he was lying.

‘Nothing happened’—meaning you waited to have sex until you told me you were leaving me. But she was right there, lined up. You left me for her.”

In this moment, she understood why.

“These are mental gymnastics, contortions, so you don’t have to feel guilty. Basically it’s my fault for not making you happy enough?”

“No! Relationships fail all the time, I’m not saying it’s your fault. This is what has happened, that’s all, and I know it’s shitty for you, I know that.”

relationships are especially likely to fail when one person has started an affair. You know, that thing we promised we’d never ev...

“Being on a promise with someone is an affair, Dan.”

“You had an affair and you won’t even do the decent thing and say as much, call it what it is, in case it makes you feel bad.” “I feel awful.”

Laurie was simply too boring.

Someone who could make you feel like life held no surprises anymore.

Being confronted with how little you could accept from someone, when your heart was on the line and you were being tortured, was awful. Laurie hated herself too in that very moment.

“Because you deserved to hear from me”

He had been having an affair for some time, that was certain, emotionally if not physically.

Hi. Hope you’re OK. Can’t imagine how shit you feel, Laurie, and I’m so so so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen. I don’t know what to say. Call me if you want to, even if it’s to shout at me.

They used to talk so openly—it was something they used to privately congratulate themselves on, even boast about to each other. How come they don’t discuss this stuff?

You’re my best friend as well as my girlfriend, why would I not?

That had subtly changed in the last couple of years, Laurie realized.

At some point, he turned away from her; he made the decision that the solution to his problems didn’t lie in Laurie.

That was the promise you made when you fell head over heels in love, really, she thought. Not that you wouldn’t have problems, but that no problem would be the sort where you couldn’t find the solution together.

you’ve never needed to.

Megan was clearly killer sexy to Dan, as she’d killed their relationship. Her powers of attraction had annihilated an eighteen-year history.

Shared glances, momentary, supposedly insignificant touching of hands, or knees, under tables. Innocent coffees after court, in which perhaps a little too much was said about their respective private lives.

Tiny hints that you might be open to alternatives. Texts on the weekend, only light jokes but making it clear you were thinking about someone out of hours.

When did it start? How did it start? They were questions to which Laurie would very likely never know answers.

A page had turned for Dan, and Laurie was now part of his past tense.

Oh, Santorini? Yeah, I went there with my ex. Eighteen years, and she’d be worth a two-letter descriptor.

I want to get this bastard for provable infidelity, even if not sexual. So there will be evidence. THINK.