Date Me, Bryson Keller

by Kevin van Whye

I wait for him to turn gay into an accusation—an insult. I wait for him to stop seeing me as Kai and to see me just as gay. I wait for all this while reminding myself that being gay is never a choice. If it were, why would so many of us choose to be shunned and spoken about behind our backs? The answer is simple: it isn’t a choice.

And every gay kid has heard the stories and watched the movies. We’ve been told we aren’t normal for so long, been punished and ridiculed, that hiding who we are is second nature to us. Sometimes hiding is the difference between life and death. It’s why the closet still exists. It keeps us hidden and, more important, it keeps us safe. Living your truth is important, but sometimes living the lie is what keeps you warm, fed, looked after…breathing. Which is something a lot of people looking in from the outside don’t get.

It’s unfair how heterosexuals get to love, laugh, and live so freely, while we second-guess everything. Our actions are always cautious.

“I don’t think it’s hit me until this week how scary it is to think about coming out. How cautious you have to be.” He sighs. “Even when you like someone, you can’t just outright show them. Everything has to be subtle. Or announced. There’s, like, no middle ground. You’re either in the closet or you have to announce that you’re gay and dating. You can’t just do it.” Bryson starts the Jeep. “It’s such bullshit.”

I watch him walk away. This will be my new normal now that I’m out. There will always be someone like Isaac waiting in the wings to say or do something homophobic. It isn’t right and it isn’t fair. But it is life. I will be happy despite the hate and the homophobic assholes. And if I fall down and stumble, I know that I’ll have people to pick me up, to support me. My coming out might have been less than ideal, but even so, I know I’m one of the lucky ones. I will survive this.