I've Never Been (Un) Happier

by Shaheen Bhatt

Therapy taught me so much about myself and my psychological triggers and defences.

I’d recommend therapy to anyone, not just someone who lives with mental illness.

‘Depressed’ just sounded like far too convenient an answer—it almost felt like a way out—a nice way to convince myself that I wasn’t as worthless as I felt.

I had spent years gazing intently inwards; I hadn’t stopped to consider how my ups and downs impacted other people.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, living with depression isn’t easy but loving someone who lives with depression isn’t easy either.

You believe that the other person should ‘just know’ exactly what you’re going through while the other person believes it is their responsibility to help you feel better . . . but they often can’t.

‘We’re the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war . . . our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.’

In our search for silver linings, we’ve gotten so used to the idea of diverting our attention away from the clouds, that we’ve lost sight of the sky altogether.

We furiously and constantly avoid or suppress negative feelings and on the off-chance that we do experience them, we make sure to tuck them carefully out of sight so as not to betray any signs of weakness.

Research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they only get stronger.

Shame teaches you to hide or pretend because if you show people who you truly are, they will reject you. Shame causes you to isolate yourself from the world around you, shame teaches you to shut down vulnerability because that’s how you get hurt.

Vulnerability is the bedrock upon which real, strong and lasting emotional connections are made. Think

My mind has chosen selective amnesia and wiped the worst of it from memory so I’m left to contend with only a hazy fear of the Feeling’s return.

‘Take off the mask. You aren’t happy? Fine, you aren’t happy. One day you will be. And then you’ll be sad again. Accept that and stop wasting your energy chasing something that doesn’t exist. You can’t spend your life feeling bad about feeling bad.’

The only permanent fixture in life is change.

I remind myself if happiness is fleeting, then so is sadness.

I remind myself even the worst storms pass. I remind myself I’ve survived them all.