The Mysterious and Amazing Blue Billings (Black and Blue #1)

by Lily Morton

“It’s not stupid to believe in forever.” “Do you?” He looks startled and then shakes his head. “No, of course not, but don’t hold me up as any example of brains, for fuck’s sake.”

Trust what your head and heart say if they speak together. Ignore society and other people’s opinions and do what you know to be right.

“I’m so sorry you had to do that,” he says. “But I’m not sorry at the same time because you’re here and whole. The past is what we do to get to where we are.”

I wonder how much he saw. Probably everything. Teenagers tend to think of themselves as mysterious, when really they’re as see-through as a window.

“You can see colours around people?” Blue nods. “Those are what we call auras, lad.” He stares at him. “What colour is mine?” “Blue with a bit of red,” Blue says immediately. “Hmm, that sounds appropriate.” I laugh and Tom grins. “What about your boyfriend, Blue?” “He’s not my boyfriend,” Blue mutters, a flush dappling his sharp cheekbones. He looks at me. “Gold,” he says. “With silver and bright pink running through it.” Tom stares at Blue, an almost wistful expression crossing his face. “That’s a rare one,” he finally says.

“I’m old. Waiting for the government is preferable to waiting for death.” He pauses. “Or at the least, it’s remarkably similar.”

“How do you feel?” he finally asks. I shrug awkwardly. “Hollow.” He nods. “That’s good. It means the grief has gone.” “For forever?” He looks sad. “No, babe. It never goes. But it does get easier and the times in between the sadness get longer and longer. But you’ll always love and miss her.” He pauses. “Maybe that’s good. It’s certainly a fine way to honour someone.”

“I wanted you to see it because I think this is what grief is really like. After we lose someone, we’re like this window. We’re broken in pieces. Eventually we put ourselves back together, but it’s never the same as the original us. Instead, we’re a jumbled-up version with funny angles and new faces to show the world.” He turns to face the window. “Still beautiful and still whole. But just in a new way. Even if we’re a griffin with chicken legs.”

I regret that so much now,” she says finally, a wealth of sadness in her voice. Blue leans forward and takes her hand. “He knows that. People argue. Rows go with love like toast and marmalade and scones and jam. Words said in the heat of the moment aren’t what we take with us when we die. Only the love remains out of everything.”

“Any time you want it to stop, you tell me and I’ll do it.” “That’s not fair,” I whisper. He shakes his head. “There’s no such thing as not fair in sex, Blue. It isn’t about keeping score and it certainly isn’t something you have to do to make me happy. I’m happy with you anyway.”

“I’m sorry.” He looks blank. “Why?” “Because I can’t do anything to help.” “You’re here, aren’t you?” he says softly. “With me?” I nod. “Then what else can you do, love?”

“You really love me?” he asks wonderingly. I swallow the lump in my throat. “So much.” His forehead wrinkles and he plays with a strand of my hair. “Can I tell you a secret?” I nod solemnly. “Always.” “It frightens me a bit how much I feel,” he whispers. “I never wanted to love anyone, and I’m pretty positive I’m going to be shit at it.” I smile and tighten my grip. “It doesn’t matter. As long as we treat each other right, there’s room for error.”

I also know that it’s going to be fine, and when it isn’t, it’ll still be okay, because we’ll be together.”