Decline and Fail: Read in Case of Political Apocalypse

by John Crace

Hell wasn’t other people, it was the whole lot of us. A

UK where everything was steadily getting a little worse by the day. One where the only hope left was that things might not get quite as bad as everyone feared.

The prime minister’s trip to Ireland has been a relief to those in Westminster, if not to the Irish.

He’s so co-dependent he gets embarrassed on Jenkin’s behalf. Even though Jenkin is too out of touch to feel it for himself.

You have to work quite hard to be that dim.

Earlier in the day the prime minister had once again expressed her full confidence in Chris Grayling. Which left unanswered the question of why.

Grayling acts as a stupidity magnet.

A man put on the payroll for the sole purpose of being kept out of the loop.

The only way the government could send a clear message to the EU showing we were a nation that could be trusted in negotiations was to act in a thoroughly untrustworthy way by cherry picking the best amendments.

while Soubry just went for it. Few MPs give better rants than her.

Conservatives had been taken over by anti-EU zealots from top to toe.

the ERG had taken the prime minister hostage.

Brexiter Mark Francois still wasn’t happy. Then he never is.

Instead the country’s top lawyer turned out to be more interested in his integrity than acting in his party’s interest. It was a dangerous precedent for an attorney general.

Parliament isn’t used to hearing a lawyer telling it not to bother about the law

Her entire career has been based on never listening to anyone.

party loyalty has almost completely broken down. So much so that virtually every vote is now in effect a free vote.

He is the almost complete political sociopath, someone who invariably finds that his principles bend to his own advantage. Most people wouldn’t trust him with their Nectar card, let alone a government department.

He knows his brief and, unlike many of his replicant colleagues whose mere presence makes the flesh crawl, he has a basic humanity and integrity to which even opposition MPs readily respond.

Mark Francois announced that he’d just been to the gents and wanted to know if anything had happened that he’d missed. There was. The last five years. One feels for his next of kin.

Somehow all but 15 Tories, along with six Labour Leavers, had managed to convince themselves that they didn’t need to take back the control they had once voted to take back.

In the final vote, the Brexit secretary, Stephen Barclay, who had summed up the debate for the government, turned out to vote against the government.

Theresa May must wonder why she bothers. A question many of us have been asking for a couple of years.

Quite how they reached this conclusion was anyone’s guess. Logic has never been their strong suit.

There was probably no point in doing his primal scream therapy in public.

We’ve reached a stage where almost everyone hates everyone else.

Cleverly is living proof of the fallibility of nominative determinism.

Matthew Offord just said it was all a bit unfair. A bit how his constituents must feel having him as their MP.

The UK: not just a reality freak show, but also a feel-good movie.

He’d always worked on the assumption it was the EU that took negotiations down to the wire, but now it was the UK that was taking the piss.

Asking for an extension merely because you need a little more time to work out why you want an extension was not going to cut it.

Someone whose only discernible talent was her indecision.

After all, this was the UK. A country that appeared to have nominated itself as this year’s comedy nul-points entry for the Eurovision Song Contest.

a narcissist of modest intelligence who has no idea that he is actually the joke. Much like the current government. Onwards and sideways.

Every one of her cabinet ministers was plotting to get rid of her. No one anywhere had a good word to say about her. In an act of misplaced martyrdom, LINO had brought a nation together.

The sound of one brain cell desperately seeking out another.

Having used her traditional hardball negotiating skills to come away with an offer she had never wanted,

Her greatest gift to the EU is her absence. The relief in her departure is much the same as you get when a migraine finally wears off.

Most European leaders would rather have surgery without anaesthetic than spend another hour in her company. She is the singularity of infinite density at the heart of a gigantic black hole.

Our gift to the world is to offer hope to failed states and provide amusement to all other countries.

Not only is Kwarteng a round peg in a round stupidity hole,

He must have done something hideous in a previous life to deserve his current one.

A looking-glass world where any truth has a half-life measured in milliseconds, where normal rules no longer apply

This was the day when the pupils chose to put their own school in special measures because they had lost faith in their teachers.

Boris Johnson tried to look sombre as he left the 1922 Committee but he couldn’t conceal a smirk.

A mere going through the motions of someone whose final act of sacrifice was comprehensively rejected.

They were the parasites who couldn’t survive without their host.

which would soon have a leader whom they trusted even less than the last one?

It was the first time anyone had ever launched a leadership bid by effectively ending it.

Brexit had always been more about maintaining the fragile unity of the Conservative party