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To the divine, raw chaos inside you.
Chaos is the only thing that makes me stop and stare. It’s a pause button to my brain.
I learnt silence before I learnt talking. Silence gives you room to think, to plot. Talking only gets you in trouble.
She doesn’t sense me, or rather, she can’t. Aiden always says I move silently. It’s because I learnt to tiptoe out of my father’s reach.
You have to take responsibility for it. Papa says everyone is responsible for how they react after they see things. If you ignore something bad, you’re a bad person.”
I grin. “I want to be your first.” “My first in what?” My thumb wipes the moisture under her eyes. “In everything, Butterfly.” “Then I want your firsts, too.” She juts her chin. “Promise me.” “Promise.”
“Hate me all you want, but keep our promise. All your firsts are mine.”
“Show me your titties,” Cole says out of freaking nowhere.
Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre
A lonely man suffering to come to terms with his existence while being horrified by it.
It’s not that Antoine didn’t understand himself; it’s that maybe he understood too much, which became a burden.
I’ve always thought sleep is a waste of time. Why sleep when you can read?
Beauty can be smart.
Sick. Maybe. Probably. And part of my sickness is her. My Butterfly. My chaos.
“Because we’re going to be siblings.” “Here’s the thing, Silver. You’re not my fucking sibling. Never were. Never will be.”
“Happy birthday, Butterfly,” he whispers against my ear. “You’re now mine.”
“Because she’s mine now.” My throat closes around the word. Mine. How long have I waited to say that out loud? Years. Fucking years.
Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.
Norwegian Wood
“You’re the only thing I’ve never been able to think through.” My breath shortens, but I whisper, “Because I’m your chaos?” “Because you’re the reason I look forward to new days.”
She’s not supposed to be my calm. And yet, when her head falls on my back and her warmth mingles with mine, I realise she’s the only calm I’ve ever had in my life. Even books don’t compare — and that says something.
“I barged in?” He grabs both my hands, forcing me to stop, but he doesn’t yank them away from his chest. “I did it? How about you? Why the fuck did you have to be here that day? Why did you jump me, push me to the bench, and cry your glitter tears on me? Why did you refuse to let me go and promise me your firsts? If you want to blame anyone, blame yourself. You made me obsessed with you to the point I can’t fucking breathe until I see you.”
“Well, here’s the thing, Butterfly.” He leans over and brushes his lips against my nose. “I don’t mind self-destructing if it’s with you.”
I stride to her and grip her arm, forcing her to face me, to look at me. She can’t be alone right now. Tears glisten in her eyes as she pushes at my chest. “What do you want from me? Just leave me alone.” “I can’t.” “Why not?” “Because you’re in pain. I hate it when you’re in pain, Butterfly.”
“Yes. It’s the unknown, and the unknown can be the most beautiful thing.”
The fact she couldn’t keep up with her career and her married life at the same time was her doom. She never forgave herself for giving up on her marriage, and that’s why she developed depression after the divorce.
“Because I love you, Cole. I’ve been in love with you since you found me in the park that day and pulled my hair and told me you wanted my firsts. I’ve loved you more through the years, and I hated every time I had to face the reality that I couldn’t be with you.”
