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Chaos is the only thing that makes me stop and stare. It’s a pause button to my brain.
I learnt silence before I learnt talking. Silence gives you room to think, to plot. Talking only gets you in trouble.
“Now tell me your secret,” she demands, still fighting with the remnants of her crying. I grin. “I want to be your first.” “My first in what?” My thumb wipes the moisture under her eyes. “In everything, Butterfly.” “Then I want your firsts, too.” She juts her chin. “Promise me.” “Promise.”
“Hate me all you want, but keep our promise. All your firsts are mine.”
I hop on my bike and head towards Aiden’s house. I’m not one minute in before the sky starts pouring. I’m soaked within seconds but I don’t stop pedalling, not even when the water blurs my vision. It takes me fifteen minutes on full speed. I’m breathing harshly and there’s no one in the streets. It’s almost a scene from a crime thriller novel. And maybe I should end it with a crime.
This time, it’s almost like the chaos isn’t in my head — it’s in my chest. It’s aching and beating in and out of synch. Something tells me it’s not because of the rain or the cold. She ruined it. She ruined everything. She killed the small living part in my chest, and now, I’ll kill her in return. It might not be today or tomorrow, but Silver Queens will pay for this pain. I’ll make it slow and torturous, just like the thing dying in my chest.
Her happiness is visible to the entire world through her social media and her hashtags, but her misery is only for herself. And me. There’s always me.
“Stop right there, Cole.” I’m so glad my voice doesn’t shake. “Why? Because you don’t want people to know you have the hots for your stepbrother?” “I do not.” My words fracture at the end and I hate him. I hate him so much. “I have Aiden,” I challenge and then immediately regret it when the green of his eyes darkens to a frightening bottomless colour. “Fuck him.” “I-I hate you.” “Doesn’t mean I can’t fuck you.” “You hate me.” “I still don’t find the reason why that should get in the way.” “Our parents are married.” “So what?” “We’re siblings to everyone!” I cry out, no idea if it’s at myself
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Xander doesn’t share my philosophy, so instead of acting on his feelings, he keeps getting in her vicinity, begging for a look from her or some proof that she hasn’t forgotten about him.
“I’ll leave my mark as you leave yours, Butterfly,” he speaks through loud, erotic sucks that echo in the bathroom. “No one will see you like I do, touch you like I do, fuck you like I do.”
He drapes a hand around my nape and pulls me over so our foreheads connect. I gulp in harsh intakes of air, breathing him in with every inhale. “Here’s the thing, Butterfly, I can’t stop.” “Why not?” “Because you’re my chaos, and I can’t survive without chaos.”
He retrieves a Snickers bar and my eyes double in size. I snatch it away and eat almost half of it in one go. I don’t even think about the calories in the big bar. I usually eat small ones, and only occasionally or when I’m feeling really down. “No one will take it away, Silver. Eat slowly.” I face away from him to finish it. What if he changes his mind? “Damn. You’re really not you when you’re hungry.”
“Can’t you see what it’ll do to us? It can destroy everything.” “Well, here’s the thing, Butterfly.” He leans over and brushes his lips against my nose. “I don’t mind self-destructing if it’s with you.”
