Logging Off

by Nick Spalding

‘The tactile sensation should calm your second soul.’ Second soul? I’m not entirely sure I have a first one, and now this shower-curtain-clad woman is telling me I have a second one?

Like large, diesel-powered Voldemorts.

‘Oh, no. I don’t go down into Bog. I like a quiet life, me.’ This is an incredible thing to say. The only way you could possibly have a quieter life than living in Bog is if you were fucking dead.

‘Eins! Zwei! Drei! Vier! ’ he screams, and the band start to play what I can only describe as the sound of a large brass band falling down a flight of stairs. Large stairs. Many, many large, hard stairs. It’s awful.

‘I have no idea, Andy. All you can do is give your best advice to people and let them make their own choices.