Logging Off

by Nick Spalding

I’ve been less restful in my bed than a vampire with a clove of garlic shoved up his arse.

Realising you have an issue is one thing; finding out that other people have been aware of it long before you were is quite another.

Any date in which one participant tries to escape on their hands and knees cannot be considered to be going well.

As self-aware as a duck.’

‘Sorry,’ I tell her, but I continue to give Fergus a look that speaks Nazi volumes.