Logging Off

by Nick Spalding

I have been surfing the World Wide Web long enough to know that trying to diagnose yourself using the Internet is a ridiculous waste of time. Especially when you have so many symptoms. Pump enough symptoms (any symptoms) into any checker or search engine, and the chance of it informing you that you have a terminal disease is nearly 100 per cent. You could tell the damn thing that you have a ringing in your ears, a mild toothache, a small ache in one knee, a fear of chickens and a slight sense of disappointment about your place in the world – and it’d probably tell you that you have three minutes left to live.

‘Digital Detoxing and You’ might as well be called ‘Say Goodbye to Everything That Makes Life Have Any Meaning Whatsoever, You Sad Little Twat’. OK, that wouldn’t have fitted on the narrow front cover, but it would have been a damn sight more accurate.

‘Good grief, it’s fine!’ I tell her. ‘There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re here to help us!’ She shakes her head vociferously. ‘No! They’re part of the organisation! The deep state! They’re part of the machine!’ ‘The same machine that faked the moon landings?’ ‘Yes!’ ‘Bloody hell. Where do you get all this nonsense from?’ ‘YouTube!’ ‘Oh, of bloody course, YouTube.’ ‘Yes! Yes! The truth is all there . . . all you have to do is go and look for it!’ Poor old Henrietta is raving now. But that might be because all the blood has gone to her head, since she’s stuck fast in a toilet window. ‘Look for it, eh?’ I respond, half-heartedly. ‘Yes! You don’t have to be a sheep, Andy! You just have to have your eyes opened to the way the world really is!’ ‘By going on YouTube?’ ‘Yes!’

‘The place with all the videos of cats flushing toilets?’ ‘Yes! I mean . . . I mean no!’ ‘And people unboxing their new Star Wars dollies?’ ‘What?’ ‘And drunk people falling down holes?’ ‘Pardon?’ ‘And “Baby Shark”. Do do do do doo do.’ ‘What are you saying?’ ‘I’m saying that you think I should look for the truth about the way the world is run somewhere I can also find videos of people jumping naked into piles of horse poo, and eating fifty hot dogs? Possibly at the same time? That’s where the truth is, is it?’ ‘Yes . . . yes, that’s right!’

that if you just let life come at you every now and again, you might be pleasantly surprised – and you might find you enjoy yourself a lot more.

just want to spend two hours arguing with a complete stranger about how bad the last season of Game of Thrones was!

Then they both take a deep breath and start singing in perfect harmony. ‘Puggerlugs! Puggerlugs! Stop being bad!’ I’ve clearly gone fucking insane. ‘Puggerlugs! Puggerlugs! You’re making us sad!’ Stark staring bonkers. ‘Puggerlugs! Puggerlugs! To you we entreat!’ Completely off my bloody chump. ‘Puggerlugs! Puggerlugs! Be a good boy, and get a lovely treat!’ As if on cue, at the end of the song both Colin and Wilberforce hold out small doggie treats in their hands, dangling them temptingly in Puggerlugs’s direction.

Life is about finding your balance. No matter how long it takes. No matter how hard it is to get there. And no matter how many duck ponds you have to drive into. Because you will get there, eventually. Trust me.