Ducks, Newburyport

by Lucy Ellmann

the fact that sometimes, when I see men in hammer throw competitions, or giving frog stand tutorials on YouTube, I really begin to wonder if there’s not something more worthwhile they could be doing,

and there’s Ronny in the kitchen, in the doorway, the rudeness of him just coming straight into the house like that, the fact that it’s funny he’s brought his gun with him, the fact that does he want to show it to the kids or something, the fact that all of a sudden I don’t want to be a housewife or a homemaker or a stay-at-home mom anymore, the fact that I don’t want to have to die

fuck Ronny, what a piece of shit

and instead she ends up in the sticks having to smell gangrene all the time,

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She would love them and save them and feed them and teach them and never let them go. She would lap her cubs and love them and never let them go.

heart eyes emoji

the fact that they believe in caution and, considering how scared they are of everything, they’re really pretty brave,

I think we underestimate dangers, the fact that we have to maybe, because it’s not practical to think about them all the time,

I mean,

but then I remember how he always sort of gave me the creeps and I just didn’t want him around too much, the fact that if I’d been nicer to him, he might have hung around more, the fact that he actually accused me of encouraging him, leading him on, “prick tease,”

oh my god I hate him

the fact that instead I tried to keep my distance, as politely as I could, because underneath I must’ve sensed it could all get out of hand, and boy, did it, the fact that he called me a “prick tease,” the nerve of that guy, when all I ever did was try to get rid of him,

the fact that Daddy was born on a library table, the fact that he and Mommy went boating together, and wrote their PhDs, and eloped to Paris, though not all on the same day,

“Here is a nut,”

damn right

all I could think was, if you had enough spare time to spy, you could’ve been delivering pie, and making yourself useful,

I would have answered “First of all, Ronny, I’m shy. Second, I’m busy, like right now the kids are home

And, third, I don’t even know you, and you freakin’ freak me out, you freakin’ freak!”,

and it’s weird but I remember thinking that that kind of timer’s now very hard to get,

the fact that anyway my kids are stars

YES

the fact that one thing I’ve learnt from this experience is always keep apples around,

it helps to have a son who knows how to tie a good knot, thanks to his pirate days, and a patient husband willing to wait for weeks for his shirts to be ironed,

haha

I turned off the oven and checked the stove,

transplendent,

lovely word

it used to be popguns and now it’s, Sandy Hook,

oh god

“Incident No. 1897642/crim,”

then I dreamt Gillian was so upset about a lost kitten, she shrank herself to become a replacement kitten, but she got so small she slipped down the stem of a flower and I couldn’t find her anymore,

the fact that I don’t “forgive” him one iota, and I never will, the fact that when I look back on the fight in the kitchen, sometimes I really wish I’d strangled him while I had the chance, like after we got him tied up, just so I’d know for sure he can never ever do that to us or anybody else again, self defense, Stand-Your-Ground law,

I don't blame you and I wish you had too

the fact that I could’ve wound up in jail myself if I’d strangled him,

I mean apart from that

the fact that sugar gets the onion smell off your hands, the fact that you can clean labels and price stickers off stuff with a piece of orange,

extremely good tips

I think he was out to get me somehow, “Git!”, get the better of me, because it freaked him out in some way that I was getting away with all this, this staying home and baking pies all day thing, the fact that that galled him somehow, or maybe he was just lured by my vulnerability

the fact that now I wish I’d just made the guy a darn lemon meringue pie every time he brought the feed and maybe this would never have happened,

no, Narrator

I just think men are such babies, though I know I shouldn’t say it, the fact that it isn’t fair to generalize, but men are weak, weak, well, not all of them, I guess, not Leo, or my boys,

the fact that he’s like Rathbone after Lincoln was shot,

uh oh

the fact that Rathbone felt so guilty he went nuts and tried to kill his kids, but failed, and then succeeded in killing his wife, this angry scene will either be a success or a failure, the fact that Leo would never do that, surely, the fact that there’s not a violent bone in Leo’s body,

yeah I don't think Leo's the shooting type.

the NRA came out with a little statement in response to our near-death experience, saying if we’d had a gun of our own we would have been fine,

fuck the NRA

“One woman’s pretty much like the next,”

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

I will do such things, – what they are, yet I know not; but they shall be the terror of the earth

King Lear

and Leo even bought tickets for the solar eclipse at the Elephant Sanctuary, the fact that we’re all going to the eclipse,

the fact that Stacy seems to feel some kind of rapport with that woebegone creature, the fact that whether this is because she feels fierce and free, or caged and cowed, doesn’t bear thinking about.

end week 4 day 4 p998 uk

CHRISTOPHER SMART

Jubliate Agno

ANON.

Ohio Annals: Historic Events in the Tuscarawas and Muskingum Valleys, and in Other Portions of the State of Ohio

ZADOK CRAMER

The Navigator

FANNY TROLLOPE

Domestic Manners of the Americans

JAMES THURBER

My Life and Hard Times

LUCY MAUD MONTGOMERY

Emily of New Moon

ANON.

The History of Tuscarawas County, Ohio

SILAS SOULE

Letter to Major Edward W Winkoop

TSUTOMU YAMAGUCHI

As quoted in The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined, Steven Pinker

HART CRANE

The Bridge

JANE AUSTEN

Mansfield Park

EDITH WHARTON

from her journal (which is quoted in her biography by Hermione Lee)

ROBERT RAUSCHENBERG

from 'Note on Painting', Pop Art Redefined, J. Russell and Suzi Gablik

TAMASIN DAY-LEWIS

Tarts with Tops On