Ducks, Newburyport

by Lucy Ellmann

the fact that men really don’t seem to adjust well to breakups, the fact that I think the trouble is they just can’t face going back to doing their own laundry and cooking and stuff, and paying for coffee,

like Alec Baldwin abandoned Meryl Streep,

It's Complicated

“But you don’t understand my plight,”

Sideways!!

“my best friend in the district,”

The 39 Steps

the fact that I tried to love Frank but that wasn’t a love you could spread yourself out in,

oof

the fact that I guess people think Melania’s pretty attractive, the fact that she always seems to me to be squinting, but I guess that’s what men like,

Otello, the fact that as soon as the tenor shows signs of jealousy, you know the soprano’s doomed,

Trump’s inauguration, Melania’s sky-blue straitjacket,

“Drop dead. You wanna drop

Sleeper

the fact that when you’re a kid you always want to taste the vanilla, because it smells so good, and then you lick some and you’re appalled,

hehe

at some point you just have to say these are the cinnamon rolls that I make,

TAKE THEM OR LEAVE THEM, BUSTER

the fact that Jake dreamt about an owl, the fact that he said “But it’s not a pure owl, it’s also a boy,”

aaaaaah

the fact that she’s little, the fact that she’s always little in my dreams, lap size, the fact that I seem to like to dream about her sitting on my lap, safe, the fact that I miss holding her, the fact that it becomes such a habit, touching your kids, and then they wrench themselves away from you, and the honeymoon’s over,

the fact that I can never tell Stacy, the fact that mothers have to keep quiet about so much stuff,

:D

the fact that we would definitely be better off financially if I wasn’t so shy, the fact that all my life it’s been that way, the fact that I’ll get like Miss Havisham if I don’t watch it,

end of Week 1, day 5

Peolia College has anything to do with Peoli,

Peoli, Ohio, that is

the fact that I forget how real Mommy and Daddy were, the fact that existence is a fact, even if it happened in the past, as any History major should know, the fact that their deaths were such a shock that now I can’t seem to believe they were ever born, but they were, and they were children once, and grew up and went to college and fell in love and got married and had us and all that, the fact that they had three kids, they wiped our sit-me-down-upons, and washed our me-oh-mys, and cooked us meals and watched us grow up, pulling thorns out of my thigh when necessary, and glass out of my foot, the meaning of life, the fact that they took us to the hospital, saw me through my heart operation, the fact that they taught, and read books, and wrote books, the fact that they led full lives and had a history as real as mine, realer even, more productive anyway, the fact that they were real in a way I’ll probably never be, nor my kids, or anything, and I don’t like their history disappearing with them,

the fact that when you see some guy with a shotgun coming towards you through the trees, you just never know whether to run or stand your ground, the fact that he might be a genuine, experienced hunter who can tell the difference between your kid and a deer from half a mile away, or he could be a trigger-happy amateur, who’ll shoot you thinking you’re a deer, or he could be an escaped convict or terrorist, a home-schooling fundamentalist door-to-door salesman, with a temper, a dangerous dog freak and shooting-spree maniac, or just your average run-of-the-mill family-annihilator, the fact that it’s un-American, I know, to admit you’re scared of all these screwballs but I am, my fellow countrymen,

let’s face it, moms only really care about their own children, or children very similar to their children,

the fact that now Ben tells me bird flu only has to mutate a few more times to cause a global pandemic like Spanish flu and that, if that happens, civilization will grind to a halt within a year,

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

“My castle, Doctor,”

Now, Voyager

none of our kids want to fish, the fact that they just want to be obsessively tidy or rebelliously untidy, or stare at the internet all day, or start yelling and screaming and then get all gloomy all of a sudden, or deposit a million little plastic Japanese warrior figures all over the floor for me to step on,

the fact that Hillary often seems to laugh inappropriately, the fact that maybe she can’t help it, the fact that she’s friends with Kissinger,

end of week 2 day 1

the fact that at the last meeting we had, they said emasculated boys feel like second-class citizens, the fact that Amelia Eberhardt piped up as usual, saying “Now they know how it feels,” and it was so embarrassing, I didn’t know where to look, the fact that no one did, but that’s Amelia for you,

but it turned out to be a toy tiger, the fact that the cops shot it anyway,

peak cop

the fact that I think she may have grown out of the koala bear stage, the fact that the koala bear stage comes at about six, so her pencil ornament may have reached the kitchen drawer stage,

hahaha

she knew what she was cooking a week ahead and bought all the right ingredients on her trip to the market every Saturday, or was it every other Saturday, the fact that she always had it ready right on time, when Hoag got home, the fact that for years and years she produced those dinners but when Hoag passed on, all she ate was grilled cheese sandwiches,

ooh I feel this

the fact that a judge in Detroit was trying a case where a nine-year-old got hold of his mom’s gun, which she kept in her purse, and the kid had shot himself in the hand, the fact that the mom was arrested, and the judge said nobody needs a gun, nobody, the fact that he said the Second Amendment dates back to the early days in the New World, before there was an official police force to handle things, the fact that he said guns only cause trouble, and he’s eighty and he’s never owned one, the fact that the mom got three years probation, along with the lecture, neglect, reckless endangerment, the fact that Judge Roberson, the fact that that was his name,

YES

the fact that I better watch out or I’ll be deported for disrespecting Ohio,

hippy guy told me to “hack the groovy,”

the fact that Leo was married to someone before me, an iguana, the fact that she had an iguana, she wasn’t an

end week 2 day 2

“Roger, pay the two dollars,”

north by northwest

the fact that high school was like a four-year training camp in how to be disappointed in myself,

oof

the fact that I’m terrible at discipline, the fact that I never even get them to write thank-you letters, the fact that I shouldn’t have ever been a parent either, and don’t I know it,

the fact that the worst thing that could happen to a place like that is a tornado, and they had two

applies to both egg factories and hometowns

Make America Grateful Again,

and he never harms a plant, except once maybe, just in a minor way, when he tricked a little desert plant into blooming by pouring some water on it, but that was no big deal, the fact that making a little plant prematurely flower doesn’t seem all that mean or anything, the fact that I’m sure the plant didn’t mind, the fact that it probably enjoyed its own personal rain shower, the fact that that’s nothing, I think, compared to bumping people off with a bump stock down at the bowling alley,

hahaha

the fact that madeleines are maybe the second best kind of cake in the world, the fact that angel food’s the best,

again, yep yep yep

that dairy farm, where they were beating the cows, the fact that some EPA official came and inspected the place and said certain kinds of beatings are okay, but he drew the line at intentionally breaking calves’ legs,

jesus

after Rock Hudson helps Jane on with her galoshes that they decide to get married,

All That Heaven Allows

I just use normal flour, never tapioca, not since that fiasco,

the fact that maybe we watch too many movies,

haha

Katharine Hepburn got a permanent eye infection after falling backwards into a Venice canal, shooting some picture,

Summertime

the fact that I should tell her about Ronny, the fact that maybe he and her dad would get along well, the fact that maybe her dad would actually like a guy like Ronny turning up all the time,

end week 2 day 3

the fact that this is another reason why every kid should learn how to swim, just in case they’re ever in a boat with Julie Andrews, the fact that she’ll be too busy yodeling to save them,

haha

the fact that the hills of Vermont must’ve been alive to the sound of her blowing a gasket,

dollars to donuts

State Fair

“The papers were full of innundo,”

The Philadelphia Story

the fact that I think people with kids automatically waste a lot of time, what with all the tending, the mending, the helping, the yelping, decluttering, opening cereal boxes, combing heads of hair and answering messages from the teachers, the fact that loving them takes up time, and I feel guilty about the time that takes too

Donner Party, the fact that some party that was,