Losing Myself Brought Me Here

by Jennae Cecelia

“When will all of this be better? When will this be the past that I can look back on and write a thank you letter.”

I fall in love with places that have importance, so why am I still struggling to fall in love with the body I have always called home?

I am afraid to make the drive back home, to where people and places expect something from me. Unlike the wide-open road and strangers in coffee shops, who only care that I am appreciating the view and chatting about what brought me here. I am afraid to make the drive back home because I am not sure if it is even home or just a place that I have grown uncomfortably comfortable in.

It was like swallowing cough syrup. Not knowing if it was going to be the cherry flavor that was surprisingly good, or the kind that tasted like grass. That is how I felt every time I answered your call, never knowing what version I was going to get.

Will today be the day that everything changes? Things can not possibly get worse, can they? Because I know I hit rock bottom so that must mean things can only get better. But what if my rock bottom just keeps moving locations and I am in rock bottom forever?

I think I have grown too comfortable with getting another tomorrow. So much so that I waste today.

What would it look like to do more than just survive?

What if people find out that the girl they call so happy and put together, is really just a mess with her own bad weather.

You tell me that you never knew I felt that way, but you never even asked me how I was doing. How can you know how I feel if you do not ask? You can not just go based off what you see on the surface.

I wonder if I will still mean the confident things I said at 1:00 a.m. when 9:00 a.m. comes and makes me feel embarrassed for being so bold.

I know what I deserve and it is not just a, “Hello” when you need something. Only to be ignored every moment I need something. If you want a response from me, you can no longer only call when you are in need and you know I am the only one who will answer. Do not take advantage of the fact that I care too much.

I got comfortable in the heart that used to beat in your chest. But now that you have changed, I am lost in a heart that I want to get out of. But I can not seem to find a way to escape.

I have been a victim of, “Here you go, wait never mind, give it back.” I no longer get my hopes up because I fear it is a trap. Getting my hopes up and then feeling the first big drop of the roller coaster going down.

I saw all the caution signs and the ones that kept telling me to turn around. I ignored all the signs right in front of me, and then blamed the Universe for trying to take me down with no warning.

I am trying to see the beauty in what is here for me right now. Instead of only seeing the beauty in things I long for but have never even held.

I am known for picking flower petals off the ground and wishing I could help them get back on the plant where they belong. I am known for trying to help everyone else but myself.

I tell you that I do not care. I care. That I do not miss you. I miss you. That you mean nothing to me anymore. You mean everything to me. If you read between the lines all of those words hint at a girl who is still not over why you left her that Thursday evening at your door. She is trying to act like what you did, did not hurt her but it did. It hurt. And thinking about it now hurts even more.

Then I realized maybe someone out there has thought the same about me, while I was calling myself “rough.”

Please let me love the girl that I spent years hating. When I say I like my smile, do not call me conceded. When I say I am smart, do not tell me I am full of myself. Please let me love the girl I am because I have told myself enough for the both of us that it was not true.

I felt like the book on the shelf that you had every intention of getting to, but you just kept looking past. And with each new book you brought home, I knew I was becoming more and more forgotten. I just wanted you to read me. Understand me. Please do not forget.

It is easy to reel me back in because I am always hoping this is the time I will be enough.

Do not let go of hope. She needs you. She wants you. She is a little shy, but once she knows she can trust that you will not let her go. Her light will come shining through.

I do not need you to call me strong to know that I am not weak. I can hear my strength in my voice as I speak. I can feel it as I lift the burdens off my own back. I am strong. I am worthy. And the person who I need to hear it from most is me.

The sunshine came for me on an unexpected day. It was not summertime or warm outside. The rays hit my face on a cold afternoon in the middle of March. And I realized things were going to be alright. Even if alright was just today. That was a start.

Alone does not have to mean lonely.

Kiss those stars goodnight. They will still shine for you while you sleep. Do not worry that they will be gone come morning. They are still there. They are just giving the sun her moment to shine alone.

the new version of yourself is doing much better than okay. She feels less alone more and more each day.

At the end of the day there is still light eager to pour through. The darkness has a spotlight. Do not forget about the moon.

Start your morning thanking yourself for who you are right now.

“Wow, I did not even recognize her.” “Who?” You ask. As I look in the mirror with gold trim I see a girl with a red lipstick smile and glee in her eyes. “Me.” I say. “I have not truly seen her in a while.”

I am trusting that today’s struggles are tomorrow’s victories.

I want to thank failure. You taught me resilience. You taught me to hope. But most importantly you taught me that things will not always go my way. Failure is growth.

I used to hate my thighs. I would say they looked like cottage cheese. Then one day as I stood at the mirror, I thanked my thighs for holding me up all these years. Even with all the hate I tossed their way, they still supported me every single day.

Five years from today, even a year from today, I will look back and thank who I am today. Even if I may not be best friends with her right now, in the future I will be thanking her for how strong she made it through that hell.

Your pain is 100% real even if no one else understands it. It is not their pain to get, because they are not the ones feeling it.

This world may seem too crowded for you to make your mark, but millions of stars still fit in the sky and shine like they are the only one doing so.

Every side is your good side. Photograph all your beauty.

You are in the driver seat of your dream and if you do not push the gas, you will not get far. Because no one is going to pick up your dream in their car.

This is not my, now she lives happily ever after. This is my, now she lives in a way she can recognize what makes her happy after all.