The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired

by Daniel J. Siegel

When you experienced distress as a child, who was there for you? What specific memories do you have of a parent or caregiver showing up and providing you with their P-E-A-C-E? If you did receive this type of attunement when you were upset, what aspects of it would you want to give to your own kids? If this kind of nurturing was missing from your childhood experience, how did you learn to cope with that absence? Did you most often simply remain upset until you just cried it out? Did you learn to deny your feelings and ignore their importance? How do you handle your own difficult moments now, as an adult? Do you have someone who supports you as you deal with challenging experiences? Do you have a difficult time returning to the green zone once you’ve left it? When you’re angry, upset, or disappointed, are you more likely to experience a red-zone emotional flood (where your emotions take over) or a blue-zone emotional desert (where you shut down and ignore what’s going on inside you)? How present are you for your kids when they’re hurting? Do you provide them with your P-E-A-C-E? Can they count on your being there with your presence, your engagement, your affection, your calm, your empathy? Or are they sometimes left to deal with their difficulties alone? Are there times you get so caught up in your kids’ emotions that you amplify their distress? In other words, are you co-escalating, instead of co-regulating? Take a moment and think specifically about each of your kids, indi...