The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired

by Daniel J. Siegel

“Four S’s”—helping kids feel (1) safe—they feel protected and sheltered from harm; (2) seen—they know you care about them and pay attention to them; (3) soothed—they know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting; and (4) secure—based on the other S’s, they trust you to predictably help them feel “at home” in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed.

This is how our children come to “feel felt” by us, to sense that we feel what is going on inside them beyond just observing their external behavior. When they know that we’ll dependably show up—not perfectly, and maybe not every single time—then they’ll build those mental models that lead to deep security.

Model kindness, respect, and self-care. Apologize when you miss an opportunity to connect or you mess up in other ways.

Also, though, as screens command more and more of our time, parents are increasingly allowing their devices to claim the attention that would previously have gone to their children, drastically diminishing opportunities for parent-child interaction.

Children who form strong bonds—secure attachments—with their parents at a very young age lead much happier and more fulfilling lives.