The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired

by Daniel J. Siegel

At its essence, truly seeing our kids is about three main things: (1) attuning to their internal mental state in a way that lets them know that we get them, so they can “feel felt” and understood on a profound and meaningful level; (2) coming to understand their inner life by using our imagination to make sense of what is actually going on inside their mind; and (3) responding in what’s called a “contingent” way, where we respond to what we see in a timely and effective manner. Contingent communication depends on a three-step process—perceiving, making sense, and responding in this connecting, timely way—and represents a universal “triad of connection” that helps children feel felt by their caregivers. “Seeing” children in this way means focusing less on a child’s specific behavior or the external observable events of a situation, and more on the mind beneath the behavior, or what’s happening inside.