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January 24 - February 5, 2021
All of this begins with soothing, with what’s called dyadic regulation or co-regulation, where you and your child work together as a pair, a dyad, to create more connection and calm so emotions less frequently take over and create havoc.
miss: We really can hold firm boundaries about behaviors and expectations while being “soft” toward the child and his emotions.
From the moment they’re born, holding small children can do wonders, especially when they’re experiencing distress. A recent study found that the amount of comfort and physical
When another is not receptive to our inner world, and doesn’t attempt to make sense of that inner experience and respond as best they can in a timely and effective manner, we can feel misunderstood, dismissed, unloved, and invisible.
parent. In this situation, a child might be seen as clingy, unable to settle down and return to play. But the reality is that this is a relational state, not a feature of the child alone.
This is a relational state, not a feature of the child alone at this point in her development.
When we talk about soothing children who are having a hard time, even when that manifests as a challenging behavior, parents sometimes assume we’re encouraging permissive parenting, where there are few boundaries and parents let their children rule the roost. This is not what we’re saying.
Keep your relationship with your children on the front burner. Most
We soothe our children now, thus building their capacity to soothe themselves later when they need it and we’re not around. What’s
So at a moment when your child feels calm and collected, take a few minutes to set up a “calm cave” she can go to the next time she becomes upset.
To put it differently, movement soothes the body and the emotions it experiences.
By the time she’s a teenager, she might even realize, when she’s upset, that one of the best things she can do is to go for a run. COME UP WITH A “DISTRESS SIGNAL”
They keep their kids safe even when it means making an unpopular decision; they see and listen even when a child is lashing out (while drawing boundaries at times regarding respectful communication); and they make efforts to soothe and offer P-E-A-C-E when their children are upset.
says, “My inner world—my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams, my longings, my meaning of things, the story of who I am—these are good and worthy of being shared with others.”
Yes, there may come a time, for whatever reason, that you decide not to allow your kids to sleep in your bed. But don’t make that decision out of a fear that meeting their emotional needs will somehow harm them.
Spoiling a child means giving in to her every whim, or buying her every object she ever desires. But paying attention to her emotional needs? That’s not spoiling her. That’s not coddling. It’s called attuning or connecting. And that’s what makes her feel secure enough to go out and explore on her own as she grows.
Our position, based on science and experience, is that parents can maintain authority while prioritizing the relationship and maintaining self-control.
We want to build the firm belief for our children that when they need us, we’ll be there to support them, even when we can’t—or choose not to—resolve the specific issue they’re facing.
Not to deny his feelings, but to keep them from taking over.
When you teach your children mindsight skills that empower them to separate the events of their lives from their inner experience, you’ll also be teaching them a key truth regarding emotions: that feelings are important and should definitely be recognized as such, but we also should recognize that they are flowing and changing throughout our lives, and throughout our day.
