The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired

by Daniel J. Siegel

The point is to allow them to show us what they’re really feeling, so we can be present to their experience and help them deal with the big emotions threatening to take them over. It’s about seeing them for who they really are.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are overwhelmed and out of control, I will help you, and together we’ll get you back to calm. You might not get what you want right now, but it will be okay. I’m here for you.

This is how your own presence gives your child the experience of being a part of a “we” that is the two of you. Your child develops a sense of belonging to something more than just a solo self, of identity as a relational self as well as an inner self.

This is a point many parents often miss: We really can hold firm boundaries about behaviors and expectations while being “soft” toward the child and his emotions.

chat with your child and explain the idea that, while disappointments and frustrating situations will inevitably arise in life, we don’t have to remain helpless in our response to them. We can be problem solvers, thinking ahead and coming up with steps to take when we begin to feel big emotions taking over.

When you teach your children mindsight skills that empower them to separate the events of their lives from their inner experience, you’ll also be teaching them a key truth regarding emotions: that feelings are important and should definitely be recognized as such, but we also should recognize that they are flowing and changing throughout our lives, and throughout our day. We need to teach our kids to, yes, of course, pay attention to what they’re feeling. Feelings reveal and give meaning to life. We never want to deny our emotions; it’s important to be aware of what’s happening within us. But we also want to teach them not to overreact to their feelings.