The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired

by Daniel J. Siegel

Showing up means what it sounds like. It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence.

“Four S’s”—helping kids feel (1) safe—they feel protected and sheltered from harm; (2) seen—they know you care about them and pay attention to them; (3) soothed—they know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting; and (4) secure—based on the other S’s, they trust you to predictably help them feel “at home” in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed.

When parents consistently show up, their children’s minds come to expect that the world is a place that can be understood and meaningfully interacted with—even in times of trouble and pain. Showing up thus creates in our kids neural pathways that lead to selfhood, grit, strength, and resilience.

You really can provide a loving, stable foundation for your child, even if you didn’t receive one from your own parents.

When asked about their early family life, they may not be willing or able to recall specific memories from childhood, particularly the emotional and relational details of experiences. They might insist that their mother was “loving” but remain unable to give any specific memories to support that statement. Their stories from childhood may reflect isolation and growing up in an emotionally and relationally barren environment, and they might insist, “It’s fine, though. I don’t like all that drama anyway.” As we mentioned, this lack of access to autobiographical memory and reflection may in part be connected to a neurological adaptation: avoidance born of the decreased development of the right hemisphere’s autobiographical memory and sense of the body’s signals.

Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past. In this way, we forgive not to condone, not to say it was fine, but to let go of false illusions that we can change the past.

This is a time to let your daughter discover that social relationships can be tough; to let your son understand that sometimes we try hard and still don’t succeed.

The postconflict step of repairing the relational breach is crucial. After you’ve messed up, remind yourself of what matters most—your relationship with your child—and make things right with her.

Was your relationship with your parents more like the avoidant form of attachment leading to the adult dismissing strategy? If so, it’s likely that you didn’t feel encouraged to ask for help or to share your feelings and may have learned to hide them, even from yourself.

We mean really seeing them for who they are—perceiving, making sense, and responding to them in these contingent ways, ways that are timely and effective.

You might be tempted to argue with him, taking on a logic-based, left-brain-dominant approach and explaining the various reasons we always drain the water after a bath. But as you know, logic and rational discussions aren’t usually effective with a distraught preschooler.

What if, instead of approaching only with your own goals and thoughts, you relied on your mindsight to imagine what might be going on inside of him?

The degree to which we live on the surface without a deeper understanding of ourselves, our significant others, our children, and our closest friends often correlates with how seen or unseen we felt by our attachment figures.

avoidant attachment with our primary caregivers. In this case we had to develop some kind of internal mechanism, a mental model, to decrease our drive for connection, literally disconnecting from not only our own internal worlds, but also from the relational connections with others. What’s more, with avoidant attachment, when we were hurting, we were all alone. No one was there to soothe us when we were angry, or disappointed, or injured, or in any other kind of distress. We had to handle life’s challenges by ourselves.

Spoiling a child means giving in to her every whim, or buying her every object she ever desires. But paying attention to her emotional needs? That’s not spoiling her. That’s not coddling. It’s called attuning or connecting. And that’s what makes her feel secure enough to go out and explore on her own as she grows. It doesn’t make her entitled and fragile; it makes her resilient.

You can maintain your kids’ respect and remain the authority in the house even when you never raise your voice. And again, as always, remember that when you do flip your lid or handle things in ways that don’t feel good to you or your child, it’s important to apologize and repair the breach in the relationship as quickly as you can.

“You’re safe. I’m here. You’re not alone. It’s going to be okay.”

get frustrated, too, when I have to interrupt something I’m working on.”

find calm within himself—get still and pay attention to his breathing; lie on his bed with one palm on his stomach and one on his heart; sit outside and focus on clouds moving across the sky while becoming calm within—and they practiced these techniques together.

“Under the water there, that’s the real you. The waves are always going to come crashing in—sometimes in ways that are fun, and sometimes in ways that aren’t. It’s just like at the beach. Those waves are going to keep on rolling in toward the shore. But you have a choice: You don’t have to have your inner calm self tossed around by waves of fear or sadness. The core you is that quiet place within yourself, and you can go there any time you want, whether you’re happy or sad.”

Yes, emotional waves are going to come, and keep coming, but you can learn to surf them or dive underneath them.

Offer your P-E-A-C-E: When your kids are upset, give them your presence, engagement, affection, calm, and empathy.