Written with Regret (Regret #1)

by Aly Martinez

Caven, I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen. This is our daughter Keira. I’ll love her forever. Take care of her the way I can’t. Written with regret, Hadley

That’s the thing about life though. It operates best on the element of surprise.

And the first time she’d said “I love you, Daddy,” I’d frozen, my chest so tight that I thought there was a solid chance I was having a heart attack. Once I’d felt comfortable that I didn’t need to call an ambulance, I’d immediately gone to the bathroom, gotten in the shower, and fought back manly fucking tears in private.

“If you objectively look at life as a whole, it’s a daunting and impossible process. There are just far too many obstacles for one person alone to conquer. The world sucks. People are judged rather than accepted. Hate spreads far more easily than love. Power and money are valued more than morality. Insecurities are preyed upon rather than quelled.” His intense gaze never left mine when he asked, “Why would any of us want to live like that?”

“Because life isn’t lived as a whole. You aren’t given a hundred years all at once. Time is doled out one very manageable second at a time. Stop looking at the big picture and find happiness in the seconds.” I’d always loved photography—before and especially after I’d lost my parents. It was my escape. But it wasn’t until that moment that I realized why. A camera could capture a million different emotions. But only one at a time. One second. One snap. One memory forever frozen in time.

Caven erased my euphoria with my least favorite four words in his vocabulary. “We need to talk.” “Oh, goodie,” I deadpanned.

“All right, all right. See you later, alligator?” Rosalee beamed up at her. “I’m not an alligator, either!” “See you soon, baboon?” “Hadley!” “Gotta go, buffalo?” My girl doubled over in laughter. “Buffa-what?” Hadley kept going. “Take care, polar bear? Better shake, rattle snake? Be sweet, parakeet?”

Why did I fucking love hearing her, of all people, say my goddamn name like the vowels and consonants had been strung together for the sole purpose of rolling off her tongue?

“Did Hadley leave?” “She did. She told me to tell you bye for her.” “Why didn’t she tell me herself?” Because she’d been crying and neither of us wanted to explain to you why. Oh, and there was also the tiny little fact that I hadn’t been able to keep my hands off her and nearly suffocated in the desire to kiss her in that damn bathroom. So, when the door opened, we both sprinted out of there in opposite directions like two feral cats. Ya know. The regular stuff.

If you happen to be right about the way he was looking at you tonight and he tries to kiss you in the future and you are physically unable to dive out of the path of his lips, I give you permission to kiss him back for eight seconds before shoving him away, telling him he’s lost his mind, and storming out. Okay?” I smiled big. “Eight seconds, huh?” “If a bull rider can do it and walk away without a broken heart, so can you.” “Awesome. Me and the bull riders.”

“We aren’t given a hundred years all at once. Time is doled out one very manageable second at a time. If all you focus on is the big picture and worry about tomorrow, you lose the happiness that can be found in the seconds.” I covered our linked fingers with my other hand. “Thank you for this second, Caven. And for all the other ones you’ve given me in the past.”

There’s a reason time only marches in one direction. You can choose any second to start over again.”