Written with Regret (Regret #1)

by Aly Martinez

never underestimate two college kids with a fierce determination to avoid a nine-to-five.

After growing up the way I had, where happiness had been more of a privilege than a choice, I knew better than to believe that that moment would be anything other than fleeting.

Caven, I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen. This is our daughter Keira. I’ll love her forever. Take care of her the way I can’t. Written with regret, Hadley

I’d sworn to myself I’d never have a child. No shred of that man should ever be passed on to future generations. It was bad enough that I had to carry a piece of him like a boulder strapped around my neck.

That’s the thing about life though. It operates best on the element of surprise.

She was the only happy memories I had of my childhood. And she was about to become my daughter’s first too.

Smiling, I listened intently, like it was the first and not closer to the billionth time I’d heard the masterpiece that was her laugh. It was moments like that that filled my chest with more happiness than I’d known was possible four years earlier.

The first time she’d babbled dada, I’d known I was in trouble. The first time she’d called me daddy, I’d nearly hit my knees. And the first time she’d said “I love you, Daddy,” I’d frozen, my chest so tight that I thought there was a solid chance I was having a heart attack. Once I’d felt comfortable that I didn’t need to call an ambulance, I’d immediately gone to the bathroom, gotten in the shower, and fought back manly fucking tears in private.

“Well, there are all kind of families in the world. Some kids have two daddies, some have two mommies, and some have a mommy and a daddy, but the extra special ones? They just have a daddy who loves them double as much.”

The only way I’d slept at night was knowing that Caven had her. She’d be safe with him. The same way I had once been.

“If you objectively look at life as a whole, it’s a daunting and impossible process. There are just far too many obstacles for one person alone to conquer. The world sucks. People are judged rather than accepted. Hate spreads far more easily than love. Power and money are valued more than morality. Insecurities are preyed upon rather than quelled.” His intense gaze never left mine when he asked, “Why would any of us want to live like that?”

You aren’t given a hundred years all at once. Time is doled out one very manageable second at a time. Stop looking at the big picture and find happiness in the seconds.”

A camera could capture a million different emotions. But only one at a time. One second. One snap. One memory forever frozen in time.

She was still young, but I’d done my best to make sure she appreciated the small things in life. The one exception to this rule was her birthday. Because, to me, it wasn’t just her birthday. It was the day we became a family.

despite the fact that she looks just fucking like you, when I look at her, I see pieces of myself. Good pieces. Untainted pieces. Whole pieces. It’s impossible to hate myself when I can see those pieces inside someone as perfect as her.

In my dreams, Caven looked at me with tenderness and longing.

You’re not as big of an ass when you smile.”

Standing there with them. Listening to them talk. Watching them interact. It was beautiful on a very basic level, and it made my fingers twitch for my camera.

“We were both ruined a long time ago, Caven. Maybe it’s time for us to clear the wreckage and rebuild. Starting with her.”

From Wednesday to Saturday, all I’d heard from Rosalee was Hadley, Hadley, Hadley. And it fucking sucked because my brain was already stuck on Hadley too. How the whole damn room lit up when she smiled. How she always managed to find a way to touch me. And, worse, how I always managed to find a reason to let her.

She was funny. I fucking hated that she was funny. Predominantly because I fucking loved that she was funny.

“I’m trying, Caven. It’s such a weird position to be in. I feel like she’s mine in my heart, but then I know she’s yours in every other way.

After everything we’d been through, Hadley and I did not have the best relationship. But there was something about her that made me feel.

Why did she keep saying my name? Why did I fucking love hearing her, of all people, say my goddamn name like the vowels and consonants had been strung together for the sole purpose of rolling off her tongue?

“We aren’t given a hundred years all at once. Time is doled out one very manageable second at a time. If all you focus on is the big picture and worry about tomorrow, you lose the happiness that can be found in the seconds.”

If he ever kisses me, I’m not coming up for air. Possibly ever.

“Fuck me, I was not ready for you. And I mean that as a compliment. You’re sweet. And kind. And generous.

There’s a reason time only marches in one direction. You can choose any second to start over again.”