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January 4 - January 5, 2020
The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney.
Quiet by Susan Cain, Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe, The Introvert’s Way by Sophia Dembling,
Introversion is a temperament, which is different from your personality; temperament refers to your inborn traits that organize how you approach the world, while personality can be defined as the pattern of behavior, thoughts, and emotions that make you an individual. It can take years to build a personality, but your temperament is something you’re born with.
Introverts and extroverts both have dopamine in their brains. The difference is extroverts have a more active dopamine reward system than introverts,
Some introverts are extremely bothered by noise and big groups, while for other introverts, crowds aren’t a big deal.
Social—Don’t be fooled. This isn’t what it sounds like. A “social” introvert in Cheek’s model isn’t an introvert who is so outgoing that they can pass for an extrovert. A “social” introvert is someone who is introverted in a social way. It means you have a preference for hanging out with just a few people at a time. Or, sometimes, you prefer not to hang out with anyone at all—people who are high in social introversion like being alone. Instead of partying on a Saturday night, you’d rather stay home and play your favorite video game or watch Netflix. Of course, this assumes that you’re staying
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Thinking—Like the term sounds, a “thinking” introvert is someone who is introspective, thoughtful, and self-reflective. This person daydreams and enjoys losing themselves in their inner fantasy world. We’re not talking about neurotically losing a grip on reality, though; this is about imagination and creativity. Unlike social introverts, thinking introverts don’t share the same aversion to social activities that people usually associate with introversion. So, a thinking introvert might hang out with their friends all weekend but then spend Sunday night alone journaling, daydreaming, or working
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Restrained—Do you jump out of bed, ready to seize the day? Do you like to keep busy as much as possible? Is your motto, “I’ll try anything once!” If so, you’re probably not a restrained introvert. Restrained introverts tend to operate at a slightly slower pace. They may take a while to get going. They prefer to think before they speak or act. To relax, they like to slow down and take it easy, as opposed to seeking out new or exciting experiences and sensations. They may sometimes feel sluggish and lacking energy.
One reason word retrieval can be difficult for introverts is we process information deeply. We chew on ideas, turning them over and over in our minds, and often analyzing them from every angle. When you’re in “reflecting mode,” it’s hard to talk. Introverts don’t think out loud like many extroverts do; we do our processing inwardly.
Stephen Hawking once said, “Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
“I once had an extroverted roommate who could never understand the hour of quiet, alone time I needed after work to decompress from taking phone calls all day. I told her I was going into my room and shutting the door, and that no, I wasn’t mad at her, and no, I wasn’t depressed. I just needed some alone time. Almost every day she would knock on my door, then open it. ‘Are you mad at me? What’s wrong? Let’s go out!’ Argh! I had to ask her to move out after a couple of months. She just didn’t get it, and she told all of our mutual friends how stuck up and moody I was.” —Amy
“The problem I run into frequently is the lunch break scenario. I like people and make friends easily, but I don’t like mindless socializing. Consequently, I prefer to eat lunch on my own. I find the noisy chitchat exhausting, and I need my lunch break time to clear my mind for the afternoon’s work. Most of my colleagues understand, but there are some who just don’t get it!”
“What many fail to see is that deep within the introvert there is a lot going on,” she continues. “But rather than giving it a voice directly through talk and chatter, the introvert expresses it through activism, journaling, painting, creating music, planting a flower garden, fighting for some special cause, or even well-placed silence.”
Extroverts think that if something is fun for them, it should be fun for us, too.
For Shawna, “It starts with an actual physical reaction to overstimulation. Your ears might ring, your eyes start to blur, and you feel like you’re going to hyperventilate. Maybe your palms sweat.” Also, you may become irritable.
way, so they may have symptoms like these, or different ones. Here are general signs to watch for: • Zoning out, daydreaming, or glazing over • Becoming quiet • Irritability, crankiness, grumpiness • Speaking more slowly and having long pauses between words • Appearing tired or low in energy • Getting flustered when having to make decisions • Feeling physically unwell • Feeling anxious, down, or depressed • Wanting to withdraw and be alone
One more thing. Alone time doesn’t have to be spent completely alone. As Kayla walked through the park, there were swarms of people around her. Nevertheless, she received an energy boost because she got to spend time not interacting with anyone.
Though you’re not talking, you’re in each other’s presence. You’re being “alone together.” This can be just as restorative as actually being by yourself.
“I always make sure I’m in my own vehicle. I leave once I’ve had enough.”
one of my favorite things is to get dinner with my best friend, a fellow introvert. We talk about everything that’s on our minds. Something incredible happens after these conversations; even though I’ve been socializing for hours, I leave the restaurant feeling energized, not drained. That’s because these conversations are “inner world” to “inner world.”
He writes, “In order to develop that degree of closeness, intimacy, and freedom, a lot of time/energy needs to be expended. And therein lies the problem. If I have a friend or partner, I want to be able to give them my all, so anyone outside that small circle usually gets relegated to ‘acquaintances.’ If I can’t give my best to any one person, I’d rather not give at all.”
2. Likewise, if you say it’s just going to be the two of us, don’t invite other people.
Plus, we were probably looking forward to talking to just you, and we didn’t mentally prepare ourselves to interact with people whom we may not be comfortable with.
10. Give us time to mentally prepare to hang out. Spontaneity can be fun, and it has its place. But as a general rule, don’t text us and ask us to be ready to hang out in ten minutes. We need time to mentally prepare for socializing—even if it’s with a close friend. Every introvert is different, but I prefer to be asked to socialize at least a day in advance.
12. If we don’t answer your text, email, or Facebook message right away, don’t think we’re ignoring you. We might want to think for a while about how we’ll respond. I often read messages and don’t answer right away because I want to think of the best way to answer. Or we may be in introvert recharge mode—no people, no messaging, no phone. For our own mental sanity, sometimes we need to completely disconnect from people in every way.
4. Ask questions. Introverts have a superpower: listening. Ask the other person questions about themselves. What’s new in their life? If they could have any career they want, what would it be? Use your powerful listening skills to learn more about them. Plus, when you get them talking, it takes the spotlight off you.
“We give people space to express themselves, which is our gift and our curse. People feel safe around us, and share openly with us, because they know we won’t interrupt them or compete for attention. We are often content letting other people shape how conversations go.” In other words, when you’re the calm one who listens sympathetically, you can end up on the losing end of a relationship with a toxic person.
7. Remember that the awkwardness will go away with time. Introverts tend to keep their best stuff inside—quirky, fun personalities—and only let their true selves out once they feel comfortable around someone.
This can be hard for introverts, because we tend to dislike talking about ourselves. It puts the spotlight on us, and we may feel exposed. As a result, we get stuck in cycles of mind-numbing small talk in which we don’t reveal anything about ourselves, and in turn, we don’t learn anything meaningful about the other person.
parties. They may wish their friends would stop texting for a while and leave them alone.
It’s also no secret that our society values doing over being. If you’re not actually producing anything, aren’t you just wasting time?
Plus, when your introvert battery is recharged, you can “show up” better for everyone.
When you’re alone, you get to have things your way. Being in the company of others means you will always have to compromise on some level. They want Italian for dinner but you want Chinese?
I was never my best self on those dates because I was almost always overstimulated.
I needed someone who would not just tolerate a night in but relish it. Someone who would understand that we don’t need to chatter constantly to stay connected. Someone whose words and presence would energize me, not drain me.
They worried that their introversion was more of a liability than an asset when it came to the dating game.
Can hold a meaningful conversation with them • Listens • Respects their need for alone time • Understands them and appreciates their quirks • Is intelligent (a “meeting of the minds”)
For one, we probably don’t put ourselves out there as much as extroverts. Most nights, we’d rather relax at home or hang out with just a few close friends. When we do go out, we don’t have a huge desire to strike up conversations with strangers. Awkward small talk coupled with the fear of rejection? No thanks,
Introverts are like onions—our personality has many layers, and it takes a while to discover them all, especially the hidden layers closest to the core. We’re private, and we won’t reveal the most personal parts of us until we fully trust you.
Want to truly connect with us? Talk about ideas or other meaningful topics.
Think subtle moves, not bold. We might give you a sly smile. A gaze that lingers. Listening intensely and asking thoughtful questions. Revealing our secret inner world to you. What we probably won’t do: aggressively hit on you or make overtly sexual remarks.
Remember, large crowds, busy environments, and socializing drain us because we have a less active dopamine reward system than you.
Your need for quality one-on-one time with your SO may be seen as rude or clingy. Kristyn describes a difficult scenario with a boyfriend she had in college: “I had a boyfriend who lived with roommates. I lived in Rhode Island, and he lived in Boston for school, so on the weekends I would head up there to stay with him. His roommate thought I was such a bitch because I didn’t want to sit in the living room with them. I wanted to stay in my boyfriend’s room. I would tell my boyfriend, ‘I’m not here for your roommate, I’m here for you. I want private time with you because I don’t see you all
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Physical chemistry is part of what keeps couples together. If you don’t feel physical attraction from the beginning of a relationship, psychologists say you’re unlikely to ever develop
Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Normal, really. Chances are if you and your SO aren’t arguing occasionally, either one or both of you are avoiding conflict.
Kayla has no disability or mental impairment. In fact, she received a scholarship to attend college and graduated with honors. The only thing that’s “wrong” with her, she writes, is that she’s an introvert. An introvert who needs time to think and reflect before answering.
Introverts, on the other hand, particularly those who score high in “neuroticism” on the Big Five scale, may be the better employee in the long run. Although neuroticism is often associated with anxiety, negative emotions, and irritability, people who are neurotic also tend to care a lot about what others think of them. This means they may work harder on a team because they worry about how their colleagues perceive them, and they don’t want to be seen as not pulling their weight.
I suspect these jobs make introverts miserable because they have to interact with people frequently, and not in a meaningful way. “I have to act happy all the time,” an introvert who works in retail writes. “I have to talk on the phone and be nice even when the other person is being abusive,” a call center agent writes. “I have to deal with people who don’t care about you, or others, for that matter,” another retail worker laments.
Talking on the phone frequently was hands down the biggest complaint from introverts who disliked their job. If the job requires you to constantly make phone calls to people you don’t know well, it’s probably not for you.
Working in retail meant she was required to push the store’s credit card on every customer, and “to not stop until they basically became belligerent toward us.” As an introvert, she had a hard time doing this. She hated having to push people to do things that she herself would not like having pushed on her.
