The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World

by Jenn Granneman

“I would love for introverts to be seen as completely ‘normal’ people, and not be considered weird because they are quieter and sometimes do not want to socialize,” she adds. “I was ostracized because really rude customers deeply affected me, and because I was quiet.”

That’s because many introverts don’t just want a paycheck—they want a calling, too. They crave work that allows them to express their authentic selves—a

What did you want to be when you grew up? What captured your imagination as a child? What careers fascinated you? How did you picture yourself when you daydreamed about your life as an adult? Many of our aspirations were born in childhood.

because we introverts tend to think and ruminate so much. Jobs that sucked my energy left me with little desire to socialize or do my cherished introvert hobbies like reading and writing. I was just too drained.

Having to promote yourself. Melissa says, “You think your good work will get recognized, but management is easily fooled by some extroverts who know how to schmooze and appear to outperform others when they don’t. Introverts don’t walk around tooting our own horn.”

The expectation that you’ll become buddies with your coworkers. “It’s difficult that I am expected to bond with my teammates at work. Not that I don’t like them, but I enjoy being alone most of the time. Sometimes I take my lunch earlier than others so I can have a happy lunch,” Alyzza says.

Your coworkers think you’re unsociable when you grab a few minutes to yourself. Bethani says, “I teach second grade. Sometimes during my planning time I turn the lights off and shut the door. My team (the other second grade teachers) has complained about it before. They think I’m being antisocial.”

“After giving some thought to how I prefer to work, I changed my answer to, ‘I do my best work when I am in an environment that allows me to have some time for reflection.’

When I was a little girl, I was the star of a movie. The camera zoomed in for a close-up on my tears as I argued with my mom. It pulled back as I stared out my bedroom window at the stars, my mind filled with questions and snatches of thoughts.

It’s truly another world. “My inner world is endlessly expansive. I usually retreat to the vision I have for myself someday, a cozy cottage surrounded by trees and woodland creatures. But I also sometimes escape into worlds that are not realistic. They are magical and beautiful. Other times I retreat into places I’ve been to before where I was really happy,” Amelia says.

Finally, introverts tend to be observers. We may not say much, but we notice a lot. How your friend’s eyes flickered ever so slightly but guiltily when he swore he didn’t intentionally forget to invite a mutual friend to his birthday party.

• Audrey Hepburn, actress, who was quoted as saying, “I’m an introvert … I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky”

“I’m reminded of a quote by e. e. cummings I like a lot: ‘The Artist is no other than he who unlearns what he has learned, in order to know himself.’ I think introverts are uniquely equipped for that kind of inner voyage.”

Dave likes to say, “What makes us weird also makes us wonderful. What makes us weak also makes us strong.”

sense of personal responsibility. But many introverts go overboard in this area. When we find ourselves in a soul-sucking job or a draining relationship, the first thing some of us do is try to adapt ourselves to the situation. We bend to everyone else’s needs and forget about our own. While being adaptable can be a good thing, being too adaptable can be downright dangerous. It means you start living inauthentically. It means you bend so much that you don’t recognize yourself anymore. And this can lead to a life of perpetual exhaustion. Change your situation, change your life.

It’s not uncommon for introverts—especially sensitive, intuitive introverts like Lauren who are very tuned into people—to not speak up for their own needs. When you’re an introvert who notices everything about people—like their tone of voice, their body language, the look in their eyes, and the words they’re not saying—you notice how they react to you, too. You notice when you’re making them slightly uncomfortable. When you’re inconveniencing them, even if they aren’t saying so. If you’re an introvert who has a high level of empathy (as many introverts do), you put yourself in their shoes. How would they feel if you told them to stop wearing that perfume? Because you think a lot about other people’s feelings, you try to be as considerate as possible.

You may find that when you speak up for your needs, people respect you more. It shows you value yourself and believe you’re worthy of respect. When you see yourself as a person who is worthy of respect, others will, too.

If you’re an introvert who struggles to speak up, remember that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s. You’re a part of “everyone.” You matter, too.

How did she transform herself into someone who no longer panics about public speaking? “The key is that you have to expose yourself to the thing you fear in small, manageable chunks,”