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Not showing up guarantees failure.
In the absence of this scheduled time together, it’s too easy to fill our days with other errands, like running to the grocery store or cleaning the house.
I later came to realize that figuring out how I could be helpful was itself work. Julie couldn’t tell me how I could help because she already had a dozen things on her mind.
a behavior (B) to occur, three things must be present at the same time: motivation (M), ability (A), and a trigger (T). More succinctly, B = MAT.
the way to reduce unwanted external triggers from other people is to display a clear signal that you do not want to be interrupted.
I never read articles in my web browser.
Studies have found that people can do some things better when they engage multiple sensory inputs.
The most effective time to introduce a precommitment is after we’ve addressed the first three aspects of the Indistractable Model.
Similarly, if we haven’t set aside time for traction, as we learned in part two, our precommitments will be useless. And finally, if we don’t first remove the external triggers that aren’t serving us before we make a precommitment, it’s likely not going to work. Precommitments are the last line of defense preventing us from sliding into distraction.
Scheduling time with a friend for focused work proved to be an effective way to commit to doing what mattered most.
Thankfully, I found Focusmate. With a vision to help people around the world stay focused, they facilitate effort pacts via a one-to-one video conferencing service.
“Even when they are not embedded in years of tradition, simple rituals can help us build personal discipline and self-control.”7
Whether the behavior is related to what we eat, how we treat others, or how we manage distraction, this technique can help shape our behavior to reflect our values. Though we often assume our identity is fixed, our self-image is, in fact, flexible and is nothing more than a construct in our minds.
Distraction Is a Sign of Dysfunction
many distractions originate from a need to escape psychological discomfort.
Because we turn to our devices to escape discomfort, we often reach for our tech tools to feel better when we experience a lack of control.
Checking email or chiming in on a group-chat thread provides the feeling of being productive, regardless of whether our actions are actually making things better.
As we’ve seen is the case in the workplace and in our own lives, there are once again hidden root causes to kids’ distraction.
simple answers to complex questions are often wrong,
Perhaps five hours a day on any form of media is a symptom of a larger problem.
There’s certainty in a scapegoat, and we often cling to simple answers because they serve a story we want to believe
“What we’ve found is that parents who address internet use or screen time with kids in an autonomy-supported way have kids who are more self-regulated with respect to it, so less likely to use screen time for excessive hours,” he says.
Think about something you’re good at: your ability to present onstage, pull together a delicious meal, or parallel park in the tightest of spaces. Competence feels good, and that feeling grows alongside your ability.
Tech makers know how much consumers enjoy leveling up, gaining more followers, or getting likes—those accomplishments provide the fast feedback of achievement that feels good.
Not surprisingly, our kids go looking for substitutes online. “We call this the ‘need density hypothesis,’” says Ryan. “The more you’re not getting needs satisfied in life, reciprocally, the more you’re going to get them satisfied in virtual realities.”
Ryan’s research leads him to believe that “overuse [of technology] is a symptom, one indicative of some emptiness in other areas of life, like school and home.” When these three needs are met, people are more motivated, perform better, persist longer, and exhibit greater creativity.
thinks such limits should be set with the child, and not arbitrarily enforced because you think you know best. “Part of what you want your kid to get from that is not just less screen time, but an understanding of why,” he says. The more you talk with your kids about the costs of too much tech use and the more you make decisions with them, as opposed to for them, the more willing they will be to listen to your guidance.
Once our kids feel understood, they can begin planning how best to spend their time.
To help children learn self-regulation, we must teach them how to make time for traction.
Working with our kids to create a values-based schedule can help them make time for their personal health and wellness domain, ensuring ample time for rest, hygiene, exercise, and proper nourishment.
Without a clear plan, many kids are left to make impulsive decisions that often involve digital distraction.
Empowering children with the autonomy to control their own time is a tremendous gift. Even
The important thing is that these are her rules, not ours, and that she’s in charge of enforcing them.
The most important thing is to involve the child in the conversation and help them set their own rules.
When parents impose limits without their kids’ input, they are setting them up to be resentful and incentivizing them to cheat the system.
With self-compassion, this time, we decided to start by finding ways to manage the internal triggers driving our unwanted behaviors.
By learning to deal with our internal triggers, making time for the things we really want to do, removing harmful external triggers, and using precommitments, we were finally able to conquer distractions in our relationship.
