Dungeon Calamity (The Divine Dungeon, #3)
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Read between October 18 - October 19, 2019
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“Death arrives for everyone eventually, Dale.” Tom gripped Dale’s wrist. “No need to invite it.”
Jeremy McLeod
Rich coming from Tom
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I took a deep ‘breath’
Jeremy McLeod
This doesn't make sense, even in quotes, because Cal doesn't even take a breath equivalent.
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with her inane attempts to force me into self-reflection!
Jeremy McLeod
Her last "inane" attempt resulted in your being so horrified that you granted her permission to KILL YOU. Inane is the wrong word.
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“Mana storm!” a screaming voice woke Dale from his uneasy slumber as an alarm began to howl.
Jeremy McLeod
"'Mana storm!' Dale, woken from his uneasy slumber by the sentry's yell, winced as a shrill alarm began to howl." There, doesn't that sound better? You have a real tendency to try to cram too much into one "dialog + 'said phrase'". Break things up a liitle and it won't sound like you're running out of air and rushing to get everything out before that happens.
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making the awakening process much swifter.
Jeremy McLeod
Too bland and explicit. "..., shaking the last remnants of sleep from Dale's mind." Words and you should avoid using when describing someone's reactions: "had the effect, a response, a reaction, etc." We should KNOW it's an effect/reaction from the dialog and/or action. You don't need to keep explicitly telling us.
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At this moment, Dale
Jeremy McLeod
Anything is going to be "at this moment."
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His pugilistic maneuver paid off. His clenched hand smashing into the robed figure wielding the blade.
Jeremy McLeod
Should be a comma not a period
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“It is almost beautiful.
Jeremy McLeod
UCOD
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one at
Jeremy McLeod
Comma before "at least."
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His preparedness was directly beneficial to the group.
Jeremy McLeod
His vigilance was quickly rewarded when...
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lightly dodged
Jeremy McLeod
Lightly? Try "smoothly/deftly/effortlessly/quickly," but lightly sounds weird as an adverb for dodge.
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using his battle gauntlets to ‘soft block’. This meant that he didn’t directly block the entire attack, but instead angled himself and pushed so that the attack passed him while his actions deflected the soaring bunny into the wall.
Jeremy McLeod
Again, too explicit. You want to avoid using phrases like "this meant" when simply defining a term, as it makes it sound like you're speaking directly to the reader. There's also no reason to put "soft block" in quotes like that. A colon or double hyphen and some verb tense updates would give you "... using his battle gauntlets to soft block: not directly blocking the attack, but rather angling himself and pushing to redirect the soaring bunny's momentum, sending it crashing into the wall."
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so Dale made sure to avoid the sharp bone as he counterattacked.
Jeremy McLeod
You never actually said it attacked, just that it appeared
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Splat.
Jeremy McLeod
There's a reason most professional authors don't use words like "drip" and "splat" by themselves, but rather as part of a phrase like, "...with a splat" or "an incessant 'drip, drip' sounded...". Using them by themselves sounds amateurish.
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His body had been subtly undergoing changes
Jeremy McLeod
...had been undergoing subtle changes...
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His voice was becoming smoother, and other small characteristics were becoming noticeable. His skin was perfectly clear, all signs of scarring vanished, and his hair was slowly turning a silvery-blond.
Jeremy McLeod
The "other small characteristics" phrase is totally unnecessary since you immediately go on to list them. It comes off as padding.
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and pounced on to a Basher,
Jeremy McLeod
Pounced on, not pounced on to
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The Cat’s claws lashed out, tearing a chunk of flesh—and the Bashers horn—out of its skull.
Jeremy McLeod
How did the cat do that while standing on the basher?
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His luck was wearing out quickly though as the Cat opened his jaws to take a chunk out of the human it was standing over.
Jeremy McLeod
Overly wordy and complicated. "It appeared his luck wouldn't last much longer, as the Cat's jaws were open and seeking his throat."
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The Cat leaned back, disengaging and rearing to swing its paws at the man scrambling to stand up.
Jeremy McLeod
The Cat, adapting all too quickly to this new handicap, reared up to lash out at Dale with its claws as he struggled to find his feet.
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An arrow punched into the meaty paw, slicing flesh but failing to penetrate the bone, though the force was enough that the Cat was twirled around
Jeremy McLeod
What are the important details here? I'm guessing it's the cat getting spun around. If so, you can dropl the whole phrase about slicing into its paw but failing to penetrate, as that phrases makes the sentence too busy. You generally don't want to put "but" and "though" in the same sentence... at least, not one after the other like you did here.
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one hundred eighty degrees.
Jeremy McLeod
a hundred and eighty
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and forced the verteb...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Jeremy McLeod
Even if this was the end result, it's not very exciting action. "Tom swung his ingot hammer at the Cat's spine like a wrecking maul, driving the head deep into its back, forcing metal-sheathed vertebrae apart and severing its spinal cord."
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pugilistic
Jeremy McLeod
You like this word, huh?
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The others took a moment to see where his voice was coming from.
Jeremy McLeod
You need to set up a reason for them to do this or it seems weird. Like, "Noticing an odd echo to his voice..."
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This was all part of a very efficient operation that used every part of the Beast.
Jeremy McLeod
Weird way to end a chapter
14%
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Adam stepped forward and attacked!
Jeremy McLeod
exclamation point makes this sound childish
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The tanking unit of the adventurers—a
Jeremy McLeod
The party's tank
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of their various stabbing weapons.
Jeremy McLeod
"of stabbing weapons." is all you need here. Nothing sounds lazier or more boring than "various" anything.
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By using the Flesh blood as a reagent, it dissolved bodily tissue instead!”
Jeremy McLeod
Fresh blood?
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Even with the bag’s ability to reduce the weight carried, it was starting to get heavy.
Jeremy McLeod
Considering the way you explained these working, that doesn't make sense.
21%
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How about just ‘The’? That’s part of your name too, right?
Jeremy McLeod
Too childish. You can do better.
22%
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I ‘inhaled’ deeply as I thought
Jeremy McLeod
How does this make sense, even with the quotes? It was one thing when you were talking about him sighing or taking a mental breath, but "inhale" is a pretty explicit verb that DEFINITELY requires lungs. You could say "sucked in a huge breath of essence" if you had to, just not "inhaled."
22%
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“Perhaps talking about it is the best way to decide?” Bob gently offered an ear.
Jeremy McLeod
Prose after dialog is redundant. You can describe how dialog is SAID (within reason,) just STOP describing WHAT is said.
22%
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he knew I was using his defenses against him, he may lower those defenses a bit.
Jeremy McLeod
How are you using his defences against him? All you said is that you have to use more effort to talk to him.
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It is just falling with style, after all.
Jeremy McLeod
If you want to make a book with pop culture references, DON'T WRITE A FANTASY SERIES.
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Bob seemed a bit out of it this morning. He blinked blearily before responding.
Jeremy McLeod
How is this interesting/pertinant/useful information ?
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Hold on a moment, I have
Jeremy McLeod
had an idea. You're not writing in present tense.
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Smelly humans. I made a rock fall on them, and Tom got a nasty cut on his head.
Jeremy McLeod
? just bizarre
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helping to maintain the illusion.
Jeremy McLeod
"which apparently helped maintain the illusion." The way it's written makes it seem OBVIOUS that spinning would maintain an illusion. Even if you explain in the next sentence, the damage to my sense of immersion is already done.
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erythrocyte
Jeremy McLeod
Good word if you're trying to make non-doctors reach for a dictionary. Maybe just "red blood cell?"
24%
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Nah, ‘unexpected hole’!
Jeremy McLeod
Such an eye roll
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I quietly snickered at the joke no one else would understand.
Jeremy McLeod
So stilted
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Hopefully, this would allow me to avoid a segmentation fault, but I didn’t know for sure.
Jeremy McLeod
A segmentation fault? Really?
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You would think a second-old Mob would have better instincts for landing while falling, but I guess not everyone was perfect.
Jeremy McLeod
Cal hardly has room to talk. He didn't even have foresight until Dani came to help
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Like strolling through a warm mist in the early morning with a lover, they felt both cleansed and joyful.
Jeremy McLeod
Maybe accurate, but not exactly an activity everyone can identify with.
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But! But! He hates humans!”
Jeremy McLeod
But... but...
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Frank spoke in a frazzled, angry voice.
Jeremy McLeod
If you wouldn't use "spoke" by itself here (which you shouldn't,) you also should not use it in a larger phrase. "... Frank said, an angry, harried tone in his voice."
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Frank was so surprised that he couldn’t find any words to say.
Jeremy McLeod
"... though he sent a suspicious glare in Hans' direction."
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he finally voiced gruffly.
Jeremy McLeod
Voiced is not a verb you usually use with dialog. It's typically used in prose to refer to dialog not important enough to be written out explicitly. "Some members had voiced concerns that..." for example.
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