Dungeon Calamity (The Divine Dungeon, #3)

by Dakota Krout

Dale finally issued the orders.

Again, don't describe the dialog he JUST SAID. Lead with this or change it to a non-descriptive phrase, like, "he eventually said." We know they were orders. We were "there" when he gave them.

in an enclosed area like the council room!”

Drop "in an enclosed area like." It's enough that it's the council room.

when

as

He slowly stopped panicking

Bit of an overstatement

thread as

Comma between these words

sputter and take in the whole scene.

Pretty sure he took in the full scene before that.

“It. Ahhh. It worked.”

This is what ellipses were MADE FOR. "It... ah, worked?"

There were many people that had arrived today, and the meeting had a far higher attendance than usual.

"Thanks to all the new arrivals, there were far more people in attendance than usual."

but the noise was not fully silenced.

Yes, that's what "quieted a bit" means, thanks. Cut down on the redundancy.

“How do you ever get things done?” She snorted rudely, looking at the others in her delegation with mirth. “This is ridiculous. A man can’t be in charge. We should go.”

Where the hell is this coming from? We're in the third book now and this is the first time you've mentioned any kind of matriarchical bias to any culture. reading on, obviously an amazon culture, but i shouldn't have to be confused for two pages. You could have someone lean over and whisper "she's part of the amazon delegation" or something just so it immediately makes sense.

“Enough!” Frank bellowed, slamming his hand on to the table. “Elves! You got here first! State your reasons for attending this meeting. Please!”

Frank must have no points in diplomacy, because you don't angrily berate diplomats to state their purposes unless you're at war, even if you say please at the end. This should be Frank shutting down the quarreling, collecting himself, then politely asking the elves to proceed.

about a heavily propagated

"an apparently reliable rumor"

His eyes held no hint of anything but happiness as he was speaking.

This is just awkward writing

The joyful face twisted into a hateful mask. “The Darkies? You went to them?”

I know they're bitter enemies, but I'd still have to assume that an ambassador for the HIGH ELVES wouldn't resort to racial epithets in an official meeting.

Dale calmly replied as the High Elf seemed to be having a breakdown.

Comma after "replied"

“They, at least, didn’t waltz in here and threaten to kill me! I’ll agree to whatever terms the Dark Elves negotiate on my behalf. Have fun with that! Good day to you!”

While emotionally satisfying, that was REALLY DUMB

as they got jokingly dirty looks

If you MUST say that the dirty looks weren't serious, try "mock" instead of "jokingly."

“How about snackies?” Stonewall giggled drunkenly, smacking his lips loudly after finishing his pint.

Is this guy an actual idiot or not? Half the time he talks normally, the other half he's Brick from Anchorman.

Hansel bread? Khee-hee, Hansel Bread. Like gingerbread. Thatsh your new nickname.”

Where the hell did "bread" come from here?

it seems you are a natural!”

This feels like it should have been among the first things said, not the last.

make the arrow spin in place ten times faster than feathers allow for,

"…make the arrow spin ten times faster than the fletching alone,"

Enchantment but

Comma between these words

Next, he pulled out a small net that was sewn to be a bag filled with a plant.

What? TERRIBLE desciption. "...pulled out a small, netted bag filled with leaves."

that was

Unnecessary

away by the piddling God

For all your references the clerics, priests, and celestial/infernal energy, you've barely even mentioned whether the dominant cultures are mono-or-poly-theistic. We have no dogma to reference, which makes it seem like this guy is just personally peeved about mortality.

“Now, shall we begin!” he roared, not as a question but as a way to rile up the awaiting fiends.

Even if he's just whipping up the crowd, it's still a question, and thus REQUIRES A QUESTION MARK. If you just put their reaction right after "he roared," as in "…he roared, and their answering cries of 'sacrifice him!' were loud enough to shake dust from the ceiling."

all, nay,

Semicolon after "all"

the eagerly awaiting heart

Is his physical heart truly "eagerly awaiting?"

The Master

Don't capitalize "the."

maroon

I know maroon can look intimidating, but the WORD maroon does not. There are lots of cool-sounding color words (crimson? eldritch? arcane? sinister? puce? [kidding, don't use puce.])

The person she was referencing was hidden behind a grove of trees

"The person she was indicating had hidden themselves behind..."

Her frustration was boiling over with this maddening man!

Again, you haven't been writing in third person omniscient, so if you waant to talk about someone's reaction, you've got to do it from the POV of the chapter's narrative character (e.g. Dale, Cal, or Dani.) Also, don't use exclamation points in prose. It's amateurish.

happily surprised by this development.

"pleasantly surprised by its increased efficacy."

which

That, not which

as the bowstring tried to send it off.

"…as soon as she released the bowstring."

happily spouted,

You pick the weirdest adverb + speaking verb choices

Impossibly, it twisted again, landing on its feet and seeming to glare at Rose.

You said it was knocked back, not into the air, so there's nothing to land from.

array of potential movement,

Array implies multipl but movement is singular. Maybe motions instead?

so I was confused.

Ok, Keanu. "…which meant something here wasn't adding up."

Alter reality with the plants!

Alter REALITY? And with THE plants?

for celestial sake!

See, Cal doesn't even use God for this, so why is the necromancer the only one talking about god?

the intensive exhaustion I was feeling was trying to get me to pass on to eternal slumber.

The exhaustion was trying?

‘I am creation! I am the brush that forms a line, the hammer that beats the iron, the chisel that shapes the stone. I am creativity, and insight, and thoughtfulness. To bring into the world, to make something new, is my purpose. Step on my path, join to me, and it will be your purpose as well.’

Nicely written.

I am what brings together others.

Maybe "brings others together"?

I am Kings and Queens.

What?

Soon you will be telling me your Name, and we will be the best of friends!>

You really need to work on your confrontational banter

again but

Comma between these words

various

Magical? Just not various.

as Dani became speechless.

Became speechless? You can do better.

believe

Believed