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“I said that if you told me you didn’t like me, I’d leave. I’m nothing if not a man of my word. You’ve given me my answer, twice now. So, I’ll just be going.”
I smiled at him enthusiastically, my heart slowing. He’d known to save me. Somehow, he’d just known.
“I’ve said that I like you. Can’t you just let that be enough for now?” He shook his head. “It’ll never be enough.
“No one knows anything about him because no one will give him a chance,” I said, slamming my arms down to my sides. “That’s how this school is. You and all of your friends sit around making assumptions and judging people who are the least bit different from you. Well, guess what, Derek? I’m not anything like you. I’m different than all of you and I’m okay with that. Brayden has made me okay with that. So, yes, if I go to prom, it’d be with him, not you. You, who has never made any effort to talk to me until this year. You, who has treated me like crap every day of my life just because I’m not
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Before Brayden, there was no way I would’ve gone up that ladder. Before Brayden, there was no way I have even been in this situation. He had changed me. I was different, and I could feel it. I had known it deep down, but it became very obvious
I didn’t tell you this so that you would pity me.
We didn’t always have a perfect life, but what we had was ours and I’m proud of it. I’m proud of him and of everything he did for me.”
“I’m telling you this so that you can see who I am. I want you to know why I am the person that I am and why I do the things I do.
My voice caught in my throat. He only knew the side of me he’d seen. He’d never know the true me. No one would. “I don’t want you to think that my life is perfect, Brayden. It’s so far from that. Things have happened to me. Horrible things. Things that have changed my family so much. My life isn’t all that meets the eye, either. I don’t expect you to be anyone but yourself. Nothing is perfect. I know that. You should know that I don’t expect you to be anything you aren’t.”
“Well, you’re wrong about one thing. Some things are perfect.
In that moment, I knew he was right. This was perfect. His lips covered mine, making my heart pound and my belly flutter. He wrapped his arms around me and held me until every wall in me crumbled. Just like that, I was his.
My mom frowned. I’d obviously hurt her feelings. “Jaicey, why is it your instinct to hold everyone and everything at arm’s length? I’m just trying to talk to you.” My dad spoke up, looking at my mom. “Jenny, let her be. She doesn’t want to go. Let’s just drop it.” Mom sighed loudly and took a sip of her coffee. Dad looked down at me and rubbed my nose. “We’re proud of you, kiddo. We were always proud of you. We’re just glad to see that you’re starting to get back out there.” I looked down, laying my head on his chest, making sure not to let him see the small tear that ran down my cheek.
My sleep always ended abruptly, as my breathing quickened and my heart pounded in my chest. I could never sleep past this time, no matter how exhausted I was. I rolled over in my bed and stared at the wall, begging my mind to allow me just a few more hours of sleep. The house was silent, and in a strange way,
but everything was going so fast, and it had taken the quiet and darkness of my empty room for me to realize how much that scared me. The room’s empty walls were beckoning to me, reminding me of the solace I used to find in them.
“It hurts me that you don’t talk to me, Jaicey. You don’t tell me anything. You aren’t honest with me, always so quick to lie.”
“You never talk about that night,” he said simply, his glare challenging me.
“I know everything. I know what you won’t tell me, what you won’t tell anyone. Don’t you see? I know what happened that night. I know your secret.” His smile grew sinister as he stared at me.
“What do you have, Brayden? What is that?” I asked, trying to see what he was holding. “I don’t know what you mean.” His voice was innocent enough, but it carried a strange quality I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
A scream tore from my chest as I scooted back onto my bed, pressing my back into the wall. I covered my head with my blanket, waiting for death. No one would save me. I was alone. He was coming. I shot up from sleep, beads of sweat covering my forehead. It was a dream.
I laid back down, trying to convince myself that it had all been a nightmare and that everything was okay. Shadows danced on my wall, tormenting my pounding heart. It all seemed so real. For a long time, I didn’t move, afraid to glance at my doorway, afraid to turn on the light. Finally, when I had no other choice, I forced myself to sit up in bed and flip on the light, revealing an empty doorway. Just another day, I reminded myself. No one was coming for me. I was safe. I hopped out of bed, still half asleep, and rushed for the shower, ignoring the hair that was still standing up on the back
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I had to guess I looked pretty decent today. Of course, there was no way I could ever truly know.
“No,” he shouted, pushing me away from him. “Just leave me alone!” “I’m trying to help you,” I said, straining against his weight. He swung his arms out of my grasp. “No! One day, I won’t be able to do anything for myself. Until that day comes, I want to do everything myself. Just go, Jaicey. You can’t help me. Just go away.”
“We’ve already lost our daughter once. Don’t you go and push her away any more than she’s already pushed herself.” I shut the door hastily and felt tears collect in my eyes. I hurriedly brushed them away and sniffed. Then, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, until my lungs burned. For the first time in a long time, I wanted nothing more than to be far away from the place I called home.
I shut the door hastily and felt tears collect in my eyes. I hurriedly brushed them away and sniffed. Then, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, until my lungs burned. For the first time in a long time, I wanted nothing more than to be far away from the place I called home.
I was worried about him as much as myself. It seemed as though everything that could go wrong, had.
When I got home that day, the house was empty. “Mom? Dad?” I called into the silence. There was no answer. It was eerie seeing my house so still. My parents so rarely left me at home alone anymore, I wasn’t sure what to do with the quiet.
Hearing my footsteps echo on the hardwood floor made me feel even more alone. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d truly been allowed to be by myself.
I felt a lump rise in my throat. I was unable to say anything. I had never seen my dad this way. Even sick, he’d always seemed so strong. Seeing him breaking down in front of me was devastating.
He shook his head. “I need you to be strong for me, okay? And for your mom. She’s going to need you to be strong. Don’t be so hard on her. The next few years are going to be hard on us all, and I know she expresses her grief differently than you’d like, but she loves you.
We both love you more than you could possibly understand, sweetheart. You know that, right? You know that we love you?” “I know. I know you do. I love you, too.” He placed his hand on my cheek and I tried to ignore his tremble as he ignored my flinch.
You have to start letting people in, honey, because if you don’t, you’ll stop being who you were raised to be. We raised you to love, and I know after everything that has happened it’s hard for you, but you can’t let him win. You have to be better. You have to promise me you’ll get better.
I kept my eyes down, praying he wouldn’t speak to me. He didn’t, but that didn’t make me feel the least bit better.
He would just have to understand. I wasn’t this girl. I wasn’t brave. I couldn’t do this.
I tried to quiet my breathing, my heart pounding in my chest.
It was crazy how well he seemed to know me, to know my every thought.
I was done playing his game. I was tired and scared.
I had never claimed to be brave. He was asking too much of me.
Find the light. Follow the light. I’ll be waiting.
When I finally saw people, my heart rate slowed a bit.
I sat still for a few minutes, just staring at the trees.
Lucky for me, the patch of woods was misleading in its depth. I was out before I knew what hit me.
My anger was instantaneously forgotten and my fear washed away. I ran up to him, leaping into his arms.
He brought me back down, our bodies sliding together, and I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him into a kiss. His kiss warmed me despite the icy spring water. He pulled away, looking at me. “My God, I love you.” I stopped laughing and swallowed hard. Water dripped into my eyes, but I couldn’t move. “What?” He wiped water from his face, shock filling his expression. “S-s-sorry. I mean, I meant that to be so much more romantic, but it just slipped out. I love you, Jaicey. I’m so completely in love with you.” “I, um, wow.” I didn’t know what to say so I chose silence. The cold of the water
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I yawned, following her back into the living room and laying my head on her lap once she’d sat down. I just didn’t want to go to bed yet. She didn’t seem to mind, so I closed my eyes. When I was so close to sleep I could taste it, I felt her hand rubbing my hair as she had so often done when I was growing up. That was the last thing I thought of seconds before sleep found me.
We laughed, loudly and together, for the first time in ages. I think each of us knew that something was different that day. Something felt like the old us.
“The boy sure does know how to keep you waiting,” Dad threw in, obviously unhappy about something.
I walked into the dressing room and stopped when I saw the mirror. I turned to leave, instinctively, but stopped myself when I saw my mom’s face. I hadn’t seen her this happy in a very long time. I closed my eyes, forcing myself back into the small room and facing a corner. We had made such progress lately. I wouldn’t be the one to mess that up. I stood in the corner, as far from the mirror as possible, and slipped the dress over my head. I zipped it up on the side and stepped out of the room. My mom gasped when she saw me. The red dress wrapped around my chest and stomach tightly, hugging my
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smiled. “Want to hear a secret?” “Of course,” he said. “I’m actually kind of excited for prom. Really excited, honestly. I never thought I’d say that.” “Well, look at that. You are normal, after all. I’d been worried about you for a while,” he joked. “I’m serious.” I laughed at him, my stomach dancing with every word he said. He laughed back. His laugh made me smile brighter.
4:04 AM. I shot up in bed, heart pounding. My throat was dry and itchy. I looked around the room, checking carefully for shadows. There was nothing. I pulled the covers back, shivering as the cool air hit my body. I stood up, tiptoeing toward the kitchen to get a drink.
“You know what the doctor said. He said we have to let her work through it. We couldn’t force her then and we can’t force her now. It’ll only be worse on her. Besides that, as far as I’m concerned, she’s better off not knowing.” “You can’t believe that.” My mother’s hushed tone sounded as if she were crying.
