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Someone once told me that eventually time takes away everything you have—everyone you love, your dreams, your memories, your fears. It takes everything you’ve ever had, and you never notice until it’s gone. The same person told me that though time is known to heal, time is actually cruel. Despite every single thing time steals from you, it will never take one thing away. No matter how many nights you spend awake, how many meals you miss, or how many stares you try not to notice; time is just time, and no matter how much time passes, it will never let you forget the truth.
My alarm clock rang out, but it was pointless. I had been awake since 4:04, just like always. I looked around my dark room, heaving a sigh. I had been boarded into the same room my whole life.
I could describe everything in my room by memory. Beside my bed sat a small desk with my ringing alarm clock and a book that I should have read months ago for a class I couldn’t pretend to care about.
Getting up was the easy part. Facing the day was where it got hard.
I entered the school building with my head down, walking toward the corner near the back of the lobby I was so familiar with. My corner. My safe spot. I passed dozens of students, each lost in their own world, no one making eye contact with me. That was okay. I liked it that way.
I jumped as he touched my back gently, trying to make me stop.
I avoided his gaze, trying desperately to slow my pounding heart.
He smiled. His smile was nice, warm in a way that would’ve had other girls blushing. Other girls. Normal girls. Girls not like me.
I sat as the minutes passed, flipping aimlessly through a book I wasn’t truly reading. Instead, I just skimmed the pages, waiting for the bell to ring. I couldn’t focus on anything but him.
Horrible. Terrible. Leave me alone.
What I really hoped was that I was doing a good job of looking like I cared.
They said you just needed space. We understood, but we’re your friends. We just wanted to see you.”
The popular kids at my school think it’s funny to pretend to be nice to those of us who aren’t like them. Pretty, popular, rich. We all know they make fun of us behind our backs. I, unlike so many others, never fall for their games. I scowled as I heard her voice ringing in my head. We miss you! How can you miss something you never had?
Stares. I felt them.
His blue eyes burned into mine, extinguishing the breath in my lungs immediately, just like they always had. I reminded myself that this was normal. He was every girl’s crush and so out of my league. Still, I couldn’t help but appreciate the way his brown hair curled around his ears, his perfect, football-playing build, and his beautiful, white smile. My heart bellowed in my chest and I felt blood rush to my cheeks.
I swallowed loudly, breaking eye contact as embarrassment engulfed me.
His stare made me feel dizzy.
For just a moment, I forgot where I was, forgot what I knew. Everything faded away and all I could see what his face, his beautiful face.
Without giving him a chance to answer, I walked away. My face burned from awkwardness, my feet carrying me away without my own volition. I just wanted to get away from him, from this place. I heard him calling my name but I couldn’t look back. I wouldn’t.
I took a moment to look him over properly, a chance I hadn’t been given this morning. His face was confident. He had a stance that made him look strong, even though his build was slightly smaller than most guys our age. He laughed, obviously enjoying my stares.
He said my name back to me, that cocky smile still plastered on his face.
Friends are just enemies who know all your biggest secrets and are waiting for a chance to use them against you.”
“I’m not cynical. I’m honest and I’m realistic and I don’t live in some happy bubble believing that the world is full of goodness and love and if you are just kind to your neighbor everything will work out. That’s all just crap; there’s too much bad in the world. Friends don’t fix that. More people should realize that.”
I’d never be who she wanted me to be.
I stood up, leaving the conversation unfinished, just as I did every night.
Smile, I willed myself.
I would have to find a new hiding spot.
I turned on my heel, staring at him oddly. He just smiled and looked back down at his book, daring me to sit next to him. Something came over me, a braveness I hadn’t known before, and I smiled back. Dare accepted.
I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to drift off to sleep. I welcomed sleep like an old friend. My dreams, much like the rest of my life, were empty and dark. In both worlds, I found myself alone. When I was young, I could never remember my dreams. Now, the familiar loneliness in them found me immediately upon waking.
It penetrated my thoughts until I could focus on nothing else.
Finally, relief came in the form of darkness
Her fingers dug into my skin, her grip hurting me. Everything in my body grew cold. I jerked away from her grasp, her nails leaving trails of blood behind. Her face filled with fear, knowing what she’d done.
It wasn’t until I was behind my locked door that my breathing slowed and my heart rate calmed.
We had no idea what to do with the silence of the hallway, so eventually, sleep found me and I graciously welcomed it.
“Imagine talking to someone telling you to go left while pointing right,” the doctor was explaining. “That’s what a tumor does. It mixes up all the signals. Your husband’s brain is telling his body to do one thing, but the tumor says the other. As the tumor grows, it’s likely that everything in his body will see an adverse effect.”
“Look, I’m not even hurting you,” he said softly. “I won’t hurt you. I don’t know what happened to you, what made you so scared…but not everyone’s going to hurt you. I want to be able to touch you and not feel guilty for it.”
You can push me away as much as you think you want, but I’m not budging, okay?”
My throat was closing up, and I feared I couldn’t act fast enough to do anything.
I could feel the grin on my face growing contagiously. In that moment, I felt it. I was letting him in. I was beginning to trust him; he had broken down a wall, and for a split second, that felt good.
I couldn’t speak, the vision still messing with my head. I collapsed into his arms and shook in a cold sweat. My breath pounded out of me like I had just run a marathon. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. It had felt so real; all of it. Tears poured down my face, mixing with my sweat. I just knew I was going to die right then and there if my heart didn’t stop pounding so quickly.
“What is it?” he asked. I shook my head, still unable to speak. I never wanted to speak again. Never wanted to feel that way again. My throat felt raw, as if I’d swallowed shards of glass.
When I finally stopped shaking, he picked me up like a baby and carried me to the passenger’s side. I stayed nuzzled up to him until I was safely tucked down in the seat. I had never noticed how strong he was until that moment. He bore my weight effortlessly. He buckled me in with care, kissing my forehead once more without a word to acknowledge my flinch.
Sometimes, I couldn’t sleep at all. Other times, sleep consumed me and kept me for its own.
This place was my safe zone. He shouldn’t be here. I didn’t want anything to do with him.
You either don’t listen or don’t care, but I am done, okay? I’m done with this little game that you’re playing. Stay away from me.
No matter how you feel about me, I do like you. Don’t ask me why because I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t give you a single reason, honestly. You’re stubborn as hell and rude and cold, but I like you. Everything about you. And I’d like to date you. So,
“I know. You don’t date. You don’t go to prom. You don’t have friends. You don’t drive. You don’t talk. You don’t like school. You don’t leave your house. You don’t tell anyone anything about you. I get it!” He twisted his mouth in frustration. “I get it and I don’t care. I like you and I think that you like me too. You’re just scared to admit it. I don’t know why and if you aren’t ready to tell me why, I guess that’s okay, but I like you. I like you, I like you, I like you.”
“If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you truly don’t like me, not even a little bit, then I’ll leave. You won’t hear from me anymore. I won’t bother you. I’m not a stalker. I’m just a guy. I’m a guy who likes a girl who won’t give me the time of day.” He laughed softly. “I see the way you look at me though, Jaicey. You don’t look at me like a girl who doesn’t have feelings for me, so tell me.
then I’ll leave. You won’t hear from me anymore. I won’t bother you. I’m not a stalker. I’m just a guy. I’m a guy who likes a girl who won’t give me the time of day.” He laughed softly. “I see the way you look at me though, Jaicey. You don’t look at me like a girl who doesn’t have feelings for me, so tell me. Tell me you don’t like me and I’ll leave.”
His lips fit mine in all the right places and his tongue entered my mouth with passion. I kissed him back, though my heart pounded in fear. His hand caressed my cheek and I prayed he wouldn’t feel the stray tear that escaped. And then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. Just like that. He pulled back, his lips flaming red. We were both silent, staring at each other, his hands still cradling my face. Nothing in my life had ever felt more right. I leaned in again, yearning for his lips. He pulled back, not far, just a few inches. I could almost taste him. My eyes begged for him to come
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