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no matter how much you deny it or outright reject it, we’re designed to love our parents.
Some people don’t deserve our love but that doesn’t mean it will go away.”
Her name’s like her. Loud and dramatic and a fucking handful. Or mouthful. Whatever.
Loving someone so much that you become immortal like a star. So you could love them forever.
In love, you bleed forever. I wonder if in hate, you bleed forever too.
Manhandling me is his favorite pastime. Not that I’m mad about it.
Instead of a hate story, our story would’ve been one of love.
This cycle of bullying that started with his dad. It ends with us. I’ll change our story.
“Do you have any idea how long, how fucking long I’ve wanted to kiss that mouth?”
“I knew the moment I tasted your lips I’d become a fiend for them. And now you’ve fucked up,” he keeps growling, jacking up my heartbeats. “Because you’re mine now, Blue. Mine. And you’ve got no idea what I’m gonna do to you.”
You’re my prize, Blue. You’re my prize for all the fucking suffering.”
Mine. My prize. She is my prize. She. Is. My prize.
“Do you know Cleopatra was an Egyptian queen?” I nod. “Yeah. My mom used to tell me that she was the most beautiful woman of her time.” “People are crazy, aren’t they?” I clutch his dark t-shirt at his waist. “Why?” “They don’t know what they’re talking about. One look at you and they would’ve snatched away her crown and laid it down at your feet.” The shudder
Bullying has consequences. It creates ripples that span for years. Sometimes for an entire life. They call you fat and so you stop eating. You watch what you eat until you die. They call you a nerd and so you stop reading in public. You still look over your shoulder when you read on a park bench. It destroys you, a vital part of you. It fucks with your mind, with your heart, with your soul even. It changes your beliefs, your lifestyle. It makes you anxious. It causes panic. It won’t let you sleep.
Because he is to me what sharp objects are to fragile things. What a flame is to a moth. Destiny.
Let my heart die. In its place, I’ll make a new one. A heart that only beats for this lonely, lonely boy in front of me.
I’m lonely too. My parents are gone. They took away my house. There’s nothing in this world that belongs to me. Except him.
“But maybe I’m watching you because I can’t stop. Because you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And because your blue hair reminds me of the sky and the ocean. Freedom.”
Two lonely people who belong to each other and no one else.
He’s mine.
Zach makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel stunning.
He’s mine. I don’t care what girl comes after me, he’ll always be mine.
“Love doesn’t care about rules.”
“He owns your heart. He might even hold it in the palm of his hand. He might close that palm and crush it one day. But what he can’t do is force it to not beat for him. He doesn’t have that power. And neither do you, maybe. A heart can be a real pain in the ass. You never know where its loyalties lie. Hearts have their own kings and queens. Sorry. So, if your heart loves him, well then, it loves him. You can’t do anything about it. He definitely can’t do anything about it. You guys are just gonna have to suck it up.”
I love the guy who hates love. Nothing could be more tragic.
“Shh, relax. I won’t hurt you. I’ll never hurt you, okay?”
“I’ll dream about this, Blue. I’ll miss this when I’m gone.”
I love you, Zach. But I’ll never tell you.
“Don’t go around killing people because of me, okay? That’s hardly a reason.” His messy hair ruffles with a very rare breeze. “That’s the only reason there can be for me: you.”
we’re written in the stars.
I’m going after her. Not because she’s mine but because I’m hers. Because
Her name is Blue and she’s the girl I love. Ever since I was twelve.
“Why were you following me?” “So you don’t have to be alone,” he replies in a grave voice with equally grave eyes. “Alone?” “Yeah.” I watch his Adam’s apple bobbing. “So you’d know at least one person no matter where you go. And at least that person would know your name.”
“I’m not your responsibility.” “You’re my life.”
“You’re my first love.
“It’ll destroy me to watch you belong to someone else. I’ll die a little every day if you give your smiles to him. It’ll fucking gut me to watch you build a future with him. A future I could’ve had with you but I was too fucked up to reach for it. But I’ll watch you, no matter what. In your letter, you said that you’ll watch the stars every night. Well, you’re my star, Blue. I can’t not watch you. I always thought that love makes you bleed. But I guess that’s okay. I’ll take it. If you’re happy with some other guy, Blue, I’ll take the bleeding. Because I love you.”
“I’m in love with you, Blue,” he whispers, his thumbs working on wiping off my tears.
I don’t love you with all my heart. I love you with all my soul. You’re in the core of me. You’re in my fucking essence. And no one can take that away from me. Not even death.”
“I know I fucked up. I know I’ve fucked up a million times over the years. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. But if by some miracle, you give me a chance, Blue, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I can be better. That I’m the guy who wished for you on a night long ago and he realizes that.”
“I love you, Zach. I’ve loved you forever. I don’t know how I lived apart from you when you were gone for three years. Maybe it was easier then because I didn’t know I loved you. All I felt for you was this deep-seated passion that I thought was hate. But now? Now I know how it feels to love you and it’s hard. It’s so much harder to survive without you.”
They feel like ours now, mine and Zach’s. We watch them night after night, through the window above our bed. Sometimes, I watch them when he moves inside of me. Fast and furious, or slow and lazy.
instead of saying I love you too. He doesn’t say the words often. Or at least, not as often as I do. I say it all the time: before going to sleep every night, rushing out the door for work in the morning, when we finish a phone conversation. When he’s inside of me.
I arch my neck up and look at the stars again. They are beautiful and breath-taking, as always. But like every night, I search for the brightest of the bunch. When I find them – two of them, in fact, I name them: Zachariah and Cleopatra.
Because she’s mine. My Blue. My prize.
