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by
Mackenzi Lee
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April 18 - April 18, 2020
It had felt like the first deep breath I’d ever taken, to tell him everything, to hear his half of it all, then hold them up together to find they fit like two pieces of cracked pottery. I wanted so badly to go back in time and give us both a good scolding for not using our words earlier and explaining to each other we were both hungry for the same thing. We could have been going on years coupled rather than years of lonely torment. But that’s part of our story, I suppose. It seems shinier and more spectacular here and now, and after everything.
old habits die with as much collateral damage as possible,
But love and sex have been separate things for me for so long because they had to be,” I say. “I was almost always with someone because I was bored and hated myself, and it was something to do that wasn’t thinking about either of those things. I’ve never been with anyone because I loved them and wanted something more together. So this has never required any sort of emotional component, and I don’t know how to do that. I don’t even know if I can. Maybe I’m too far gone.”
“I don’t think I’m good enough for you. And I don’t want you to do this big thing—give me this big part of yourself—and then realize you made a mistake.”