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May 12, 2021 - November 18, 2025
When you can easily identify what is motivating people, how they think and how they make decisions, you'll be able to: establish a deep level of rapport and communicate effectively with anyone reduce conflicts and misunderstandings take the pain out of implementing organizational change
"Words That Change Minds is a book of insight and inquiry. Shelle Rose Charvet offers a new way to think about relationships with ourselves and others.
It is well-known that people communicate through a set of filters shaped by history, sense of identity, beliefs about what is true, and values about what is right, as well as perceptions and interpretations of what is going on.
how to drive Proactive people crazy. Put them in a situation that they dislike intensely, then make sure that they can do nothing about it.
motivate Reactive people by matching their Pattern. "Now that you have had enough time to consider and think about this, I'll need it on my desk by Monday at noon."
Active listening consists of paraphrasing what the other person said, in your own words, in order to show them what you understood.
to show someone you
have understood them, play back their key words, their Criteria.
Hierarchy of Criteria.
used when coaching employees or clients. I use it for career coaching, where I would also need to get the client to define what would constitute each Criterion.
Can't Make Up Your Mind? Sometimes a person has difficulty choosing between the two alternatives in your hands; you can confirm this by
observing the vacillation in their body as they try to choose. What does this mean, and what do you do about it? I have identified five situations where this occurs: The person did not accept the idea that they have to choose between two things they want. One Criterion is a component of the other one. The person has two labels for the same set of experiences. One Criterion causes the other to occur (a cause-effect relationship for the person).
Direction: The Carrot or the Stick?
two Triggers in this category describing the Direction a person is moving in for a
given Context. They are either moving toward a goal, or away from problems.
People with a Toward pattern in a given Context are focused on their goal.
People who have an Away From pattern notice what should be avoided and gotten rid of, and otherwise not happen.
They can have some difficulty managing priorities because whatever is wrong is likely to attract most of their attention. People who have a strong Away From orientation in a given Context can be perceived as jaded or cynical, particularly by Toward people. Distribution % (in the work Context, from Rodger Bailey) Mainly Toward 40% Equally Toward & Away From 20% Mainly Away From 40%
Where does a person find motivation? In external sources, or in internal standards and beliefs?
People with an Internal Pattern in a Context provide their own motivation from within themselves. They decide about the quality of their work. They have difficulty accepting other people's opinions and outside direction. When they get negative feedback on work they feel has been well done, they will question the opinion or judge the person giving the feedback. They prefer to decide for themselves, even when presented with compelling evidence.
Their motivation is triggered when they get to gather information from the outside, process it against their own standards, and make judgments about it.
External People in External mode like other people's opinions, outside direction, and feedback from external sources to get and stay motivated. In the Context of work, if they do not get that feedback, they may not know how well they are doing.
They prefer when someone else decides. I got stuck in an External-External loop with one of my business partners.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB?
How would you react to regular feedback from peers in (a specific Context)?
Whom do you involve when you make a decision about ...? If you felt, you had done good work and someone you respect criticized your work, how would you react? (Listen if the person criticizes, judges, or attempts to persuade the other person (Internal), or if they question the value of their own work (External).)
Macho Test is an editing technique I developed to enable even the most Macho of people to listen and consider your ideas. It is now used around the world to check how you are presenting ideas to make sure you don't inadvertently trigger a Macho response.
ask yourself if you have implied or stated
There is something they don't already know, I am telling them what to do, They have a problem and I have the solution, They are not perfect in some way, and/or I am better than they are in some way.
As you probably know....(then state the thing you suspect they do not know) Use the language of suggestion: You
I understand that other organizations have had this issue and what some of them have done is... How have you solved this problem? (implies they have already solved all the problems) With your experience and knowledge in this area.... Your role is.... My role is...
The easiest way to get an Internal person to listen and think about something is to phrase it as "information you might want to consider", or as a question.
To sell to people who have an Internal Pattern, you need to give them information and let them decide.
Showing kindness even when in a fight is what binds people together.
"Only you can know what you want, although most people are getting this one."
How does a person reason? Is there a continual quest to finding alternatives, or a preference to follow established procedures?
They like to start a new idea or a new project. However, they do not necessarily feel compelled to finish it.
"Why did you choose ..." and the rest refers to a particular Context. For someone with an Options Pattern, when they hear the question Why did you choose, they hear the question why and answer this question with a list of Criteria for their answer.
What size pieces of information does a person handle best? The big picture or specific details?
Specific People who have a Specific Pattern in a Context handle small pieces of information well. At the extreme, they cannot perceive or create an overview. They treat information in linear sequences, step by step, in all its detail. A Specific person perceives the trees, branches, and twigs, rather than the forest.
General People with a General Pattern in any given Context prefer to work on the overview, or at the conceptual level, though they can concentrate on details for finite periods of time. Because they see the big picture all at once, they may present ideas in a random
order without stating the link between one thought and another.
If you have the tendency to give too much information, the Two Sentence Principle might be for you. Speak two sentences and then observe or listen to your audience (whether one person or many). Do they want more? Do they look bored or want to leave?
Does a person pay attention to the nonverbal behavior of others, or to their own internal experience?
respond based on what they consider to be appropriate. These people are convinced only
by the content of what people say, rather than the accompanying tone, body language, or level of rapport. They have difficulty establishing rapport because they do not notice other people's body language, and therefore they miss many clues. People with this Pattern simply do not pick up hints.
people have Automatic reflex reactions to people's behaviors.
respond to others with facial expressions, body movements, and shifts in voice tone.
how the communication is going based on the responses they consciously or unconsciously obs...
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Self Absence of culturally appropriate behavioral responses such as head nodding, saying "uh-huh," etc.
