Regretting You

by Colleen Hoover

I wonder if humans are the only living creatures that ever feel hollow inside. I don’t understand how my body can be full of everything bodies are full of—bones and muscles and blood and organs—yet my chest sometimes feels vacant, as if someone could scream into my mouth and it would echo inside of me.

He’s been Chris’s best friend since they were kids, and they’re like the male versions of me and Jenny, but opposite. Chris and Jenny are the life of every party. Jonah and I are the invisible sidekicks.

It’s hard being best friends with my little sister for this very reason—I want to be excited for her and hear all about it, but at the same time, I want to protect her from making the same mistakes I made. I always want better for her.

We always want what's better for our siblings than ourselves (in experiences)

Chris is back too. Without beer. He slams his door and folds his arms over his chest. “It really sucks having a baby face.”

FINALLY! Someon else has a baby face in a story XD

If it’s been six weeks . . . that means I’m two weeks late for my period.

Shit... :O

Sometimes when we’re alone, he looks at me in a way that makes me feel empty when he looks away.

It’s like my chest has been on a constant search for its missing piece, and Jonah is holding it in his fist.

Sweetheart :(

“Never ask a drunk person to babysit a drunk person!”

XD

“You’re a sacrificer. I don’t even know if that’s a real word, but that’s what you are. You do things you don’t want to do to make life better for the people around you.

He laughs. “Hell yeah, I will. Clara is gonna love me.” I tilt my head. “Clara?” “My future daughter. I’ve already named her. Still working on a boy name, though.”

Why am I being emotional right now?

Seventeen Years Later

Holy shit.. What?! :O

“When Miller was six years old, he shit his pants at the grocery store because the automatic flusher on public toilets terrified him.”

XD

“Too bad I’m still in high school,” Lexie says. “I’d be a great babysitter.” Jenny rolls her eyes. “Weren’t you the one who put a random dog in my backyard because you thought it was mine?” “It looked like your dog.” “I don’t even have a dog,” Jenny says.

XD

It’s my birthday, and I’m surrounded by everyone important to me, but for some reason, I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt.

He leaves the kitchen, and I stare at the kitchen door as it swings back and forth. I really hate that door.

Change the door then! XD

I find her in the living room, still in her pajamas, watching an episode of Real Housewives. “What’s for breakfast?” “I didn’t feel like cooking. Eat a Pop-Tart.” Definitely shouldn’t have called her predictable.

XD

He pours himself a cup of coffee and leans against the counter in thought. “I mean . . . you aren’t wrong. She does like routine.” “Wakes up at six every morning. Breakfast is ready by seven.” “Dinner at seven thirty every night,” he says. “Rotating menu.” “Gym at ten every morning.” “Grocery shopping on Mondays,” I add. “Sheets get washed every Wednesday.” “See?” I say in defense. “She’s predictable. It’s more of a fact than an insult.”

My god! XD

Aunt Jenny hands my mother a list of written instructions. “Here’s his feeding times. And how to heat the breast milk. And I know you have my cell phone number, but I wrote it down again in case your phone dies. I wrote Jonah’s number down too.” “I’ve raised a human before,” my mother says.

XD

“It means people who make mistakes usually learn from them. That doesn’t make them hypocrites. It makes them experienced.”

Jonah returns with two coffees, just as I’ve finished both forms. He hands me one of the coffees and casually leans against his desk. He’s been around for a few months now, and he still has no idea how much I hate coffee. This is why I don’t refer to him as Uncle Jonah yet.

XD

“Morgan,” Jonah says. I don’t look at him. “Do you think . . . are they having an—” “Don’t say it,” I spit out. I don’t want to hear it. Or think it. It’s absurd. It’s incomprehensible.

Oh shit, I hope not..!

When the doctor tells us there was nothing they could do, Jonah falls into a chair. I just . . . fall.

No.. :O

I liked them because they reminded me of life. How sometimes, it feels like someone is shaking the world around you, and things are flying at you from every direction, but if you wait long enough, everything will start to calm. I liked that feeling of knowing that the storm inside always eventually settles.

Since the moment I found out they had the wreck, I knew in my gut what caused it. I was texting Aunt Jenny. She was responding to my texts at first . . . and then she wasn’t. I never heard back from her, and then two hours later, I found out about the wreck.

Oh no..

It better not be Mrs. Nettle from next door here to blame me for something. She once woke us up at two in the morning to complain about a squirrel in our backyard tree.

WHY WOULD SHE BE AWAKE AT TWO IN THE MORNING FIRST?!

“Elijah—my son—has Chris’s fucking smile.”

No..... :'O

He’s smiling. And Jonah is right. When he smiles, there’s a deep dimple that forms in the center of his chin. He looks exactly like Chris.

Oh... :(

“Fifty bucks says he doesn’t come back.” Lexie follows me toward the exit to the parking lot. “Back to where?” I ask. “To school? Or to Elijah?”

You bet on his return...?

“No. Men are terrible. Dads are the most terrible,” she says. My shoulders shrink a little at her comment. I sigh, thinking about my father. “Mine wasn’t. He was the greatest.”

:(

“You really need to figure out your shit, Miller.”

No way! XD

I need to fix whatever is going on, but I can’t do that when I don’t know what, exactly, is going on.

Trust me, you don't want to know..

I really want a machete, or an ax, but all I find is a hammer. I take it back to the kitchen with me to take care of this damn door once and for all.

I knew it! XD

I go to her bedroom and open her door. She’s not packing a bag. She’s just lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Crying.

Oh.. :'(

The classic Venti Caramel Macchiato, no substitutions.

Need to try it.. :O

“I’ve believed in you since the moment I met you. I believe in myself now that I’ve finally left you.”

There are so many feelings swirling around in my chest right now, and I’m afraid the room will start spinning if I don’t find my center of gravity. I lean forward and press my lips against his, if only just to balance myself.

“I know. We have to discuss it. Because if it’s true . . .” “It makes Clara and Elijah half siblings,” Jonah says.

Omg, it's weird, I haven't tought about it..

I think it’s time I figure out who I was meant to become before I started living my life for everyone else.

I eventually unlock my screen because I need to call Aunt Jenny and tell her every bit of that conversation. I’m scrolling through my contacts when it hits me. I can’t call her. I can never call her again. When is that finally going to sink in?

Oh... :(

“Why do you think she told me everything, Clara? It’s because all the advice she ever gave you came from me. She’s spent the last five years cutting and pasting texts I wrote, and then she’d send them to you and pretend they were hers.”

What..? :O

“Wow,” then turns and walks out of my bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Jonah Sullivan, running away again. Why am I not surprised?

Running away like every time..

He leans forward in disbelief. “It’s . . . okay?” I nod. “Tastes like a sandwich.” “We’re breaking up.” “Bread’s a little stale.” “I hate you.” “Cheese tastes processed.”

Omg!! XD

God, why can’t he just be like other guys and be a complete asshole about this?

Maybe because he's not an asshole...!

I take the orange-flavored condom out of Miller’s hand and set it on the nightstand. “Not the orange one. It’ll ruin the moment. Can’t even believe you brought that into my house.”

XD

I want to believe Miller when he says he’s never craved anyone like he craves me, but how long will that be true? Until he grows bored with me and finds a girl he craves more than me? Thank God I don’t have a sister for him to fall in love with.

Ouch...

“No. I spent time with him here and there growing up, but he was in and out of jail. Finally caught up to him when I was fifteen, and he got a longer sentence. He’ll be out in a couple of years, but I doubt I’ll have anything to do with him when he gets out. It had been a while since I’d seen him when he got arrested, anyway.” So that’s why my father made that comment about Miller’s dad, about the apple not falling far from the tree. My father was wrong, obviously.

That's why! 😨

He comes back with his camera and a tripod, then sets it up several feet away from us. He slips between me and the tree and resumes our position. “Don’t stare at it this time.”

😂😂

Without Jenny and Chris here, Jonah won’t be here. It’ll just be the two of us. We’re long past due for a serious heart-to-heart.

Ouff... The're gonna be someone else... 😬

“Sometimes you have to walk away from the fight in order to win it.”

“Chris and Jenny get away with an affair. They get away with lying to me about fathering a child. They get away with being eternal idols in Clara’s eyes. And in the meantime, me and you are forced to keep our mouths shut and live separately in misery because of actions we aren’t even responsible for?”

Finally! It's not far!