The Dark Side of the Mind: True Stories from My Life as a Forensic Psychologist

by Kerry Daynes

dynamic between two people in an abusive relationship is incredibly intense, a spinning wheel of violence and shock, deep remorse, emotionally powerful reconciliations, hope and elation. And then the terror. After a period of calm the victim knows something is coming, they just don’t know when, and they attempt to see it off by changing their behaviour – going ‘into’ themselves, disappearing, doing whatever it takes to keep the peace. But they never can. And inevitably there is more violence, and the cycle begins again. For both parties in this potent loop, each repetition of the cycle propels them to the next. The victim adapts quickly, as the threat of violence creates a strong incentive to learn. She begins to believe that her circumstances are a result of her personal failure, and views herself as worthless, weak. When she is a good girl, it will stop. Until then, she doesn’t deserve anyone else’s love. The abuser also becomes attached to the power they hold, and the skilful use of violence and manipulation to achieve the deference that they expect from their partner. This wretched dynamic is like a scar tissue that meshes them together. So leaving, while it may appear like an obvious course of action to many, often feels impossible for the victim.