The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World

by Jenn Granneman

Introversion is a temperament, which is different from your personality; temperament refers to your inborn traits that organize how you approach the world, while personality can be defined as the pattern of behavior, thoughts, and emotions that make you an individual.

It’s all about how much something matters to you; you’ll risk overstimulation when you think speaking up will truly make a difference.

You’ve been told you’re “too intense.” This stems from your dislike of small talk. If it were up to you, mindless chitchat would be banished. You’d much rather sit down with someone and discuss the meaning of life—or, at the very least, exchange some real, honest thoughts. Have you ever had a deep conversation and walked away feeling energized, not drained? That’s what I’m talking about. Meaningful interactions are the introvert’s antidote to social burnout.

According to the researchers, the brains of introverts may weigh internal cues more strongly than external ones. In other words, introverts don’t feel “high” from their surroundings; instead, we’re paying more attention to what’s going on inwardly.

You’re an old soul. Introverts tend to observe, process information deeply, and reflect before they speak. Analytical by nature, we’re often interested in discovering the deeper meaning or underlying pattern behind events. Because of this, introverts can seem wise, even from a young age.

Trying to think of exactly the right words to say is called “word retrieval,” and it’s something many introverts struggle with.

One reason word retrieval can be difficult for introverts is we process information deeply. We chew on ideas, turning them over and over in our minds, and often analyzing them from every angle. When you’re in “reflecting mode,” it’s hard to talk. Introverts don’t think out loud like many extroverts do; we do our processing inwardly.

has to do with how our brains are wired. According to Laney, you use different brain pathways when writing than when speaking, and these “writing” pathways seem to flow more effortlessly for introverts.

acting falsely extroverted can lead to burnout, stress, and cardiovascular disease.

that no, despite appearances, he doesn’t; he simply feels better when there aren’t any people around.

Introverts “get out and rock it,” but then we need to withdraw. “If we don’t, we will feel like an overdone steak—no life, no juice. Our minds will be zapped and cottony. Our speech may come out slowly with pauses between words. There may be tears or swearing, or both.”

Most important, when you experience an introvert hangover, you get an overwhelming desire to be alone.

Every introvert experiences social burnout in a different way, so they may have symptoms like these, or different ones. Here are general signs to watch for: • Zoning out, daydreaming, or glazing over • Becoming quiet • Irritability, crankiness, grumpiness • Speaking more slowly and having long pauses between words • Appearing tired or low in energy • Getting flustered when having to make decisions • Feeling physically unwell • Feeling anxious, down, or depressed • Wanting to withdraw and be alone

They found that those who’d acted “talkative” and “assertive” were more likely to report feeling positive emotions such as enthusiasm and excitement in the moment. It didn’t matter whether the subject identified as an introvert or an extrovert; everyone reported a “happiness bump” after acting outgoing.

Introverts really do get worn out by socializing, and the quality of our interactions matter.

If you want to get to know us better, hang out with us one-on-one.

Likewise, if you say it’s just going to be the two of us, don’t invite other people. It’s

We’d rather have a tiny moment of real connection than hours of polite chitchat. How are you really ? What’s really on your mind? Don’t just tell us that you had a good weekend. Tell us it was good because you finally sorted out your complicated feelings about your ex. Or that you’re having an existential crisis over the fact that you’re getting older and that you haven’t accomplished the things you thought you would have accomplished by now. We’d rather know what’s going on inside you—what’s really going on—than just see the polished facade that you display to everyone else. How are your ideas, thoughts, and feelings evolving?

Sometimes we need encouragement to open up about ourselves. As much as introverts enjoy meaningful, authentic conversation, we can struggle to get there. In fact, we tend to keep our thoughts, opinions, and feelings to ourselves, especially around people we don’t know well.

Our silence means we’re processing. Likewise, if we’re having a conversation with you and we’re quiet for a moment, we’re probably thinking about what you said. Give us a beat to collect our thoughts (we like to think before we speak), and then we’ll lay some introvert wisdom on you.

If we don’t answer your text, email, or Facebook message right away, don’t think we’re ignoring you. We might want to think for a while about how we’ll respond. I often read messages and don’t answer right away because I want to think of the best way to answer. Or we may be in introvert recharge mode—no people, no messaging, no phone. For our own mental sanity, sometimes we need to completely disconnect from people in every way.

“We give people space to express themselves, which is our gift and our curse. People feel safe around us, and share openly with us, because they know we won’t interrupt them or compete for attention. We are often content letting other people shape how conversations go.”

Introverts want someone who … • Can hold a meaningful conversation with them • Listens • Respects their need for alone time • Understands them and appreciates their quirks • Is intelligent (a “meeting of the minds”)

Instead, put qualities like emotional stability, integrity, empathy, reliability, and agreeableness at the top of your list. Why? Because research suggests that the most happily married people are those who, regardless of what they think they want in a partner, simply end up with spouses who have excellent personality traits.

Being reflective, daydream-y, and introspective are admirable qualities, but when there’s something toxic brewing within you, like the self-hatred that brewed in me, sometimes you have to expunge it and open up to someone else.

Everyone keeps telling you to try online dating, but you’re hesitant because it feels inauthentic. You have an aversion to the superficial social interaction that it is sometimes characterized by.

who craves authenticity in social interactions

and only feels connected to people when we’re talking about our deepest dreams, hopes, and fears, there’s something that rings hollow about online dating.”

When people settle, they usually do it for one (or all) of the following reasons, writes Brafman in a Psychology Today blog post: • Loneliness: “I want someone special in my life, and I’m tired of spending so much time alone.” • Time pressure: “Everyone else is getting married and starting a family—I’m running out of time!” • Opportunity cost: “If I break up with him/her, I may never find someone better.” Each of these reasons is not a good rationale to date someone, because they’re all based in fear. And when you begin making decisions from a place of fear, it’s no longer about who you’re dating but rather what you stand to lose.

When you approach dating with a fear mind-set, you snatch up anybody who’s interested in you, regardless of how compatible they are with you.

notice how you feel around the other person. How does your mind, heart, and body react to them? Do they drain or energize you? Does your mind bubble with interesting ideas when the two of you talk, or are you bored? Are you physically attracted to them? Use your introvert superpowers to reflect on and analyze the date. Don’t ignore the feedback you’re getting from your emotions and body. Ironically, we introverts can be both highly introspective and hyper-tuned in to the people around us, but we can have a harder time discerning our own preferences and feelings—until we make a conscious effort to do so.

Many introverts have told me that they’re just not into one-night stands, hookups, and flings. Casual seems too superficial, too meaningless. When they finally do find someone they’re into—physically and emotionally—they fall hard and fast.

If you find yourself becoming obsessed with someone you barely know, proceed with caution. It’s easy for introverts to idealize a potential love interest. Because we’re so in our heads, we can be in danger of filling in the gaps with our imagination and become quickly attached to something that isn’t even real.

We flirt differently. Think subtle moves, not bold. We might give you a sly smile. A gaze that lingers. Listening intensely and asking thoughtful questions. Revealing our secret inner world to you. What we probably won’t do: aggressively hit on you or make overtly sexual remarks.

To be more present, try to experience the moment through your senses. Delight in the smell, feel, look, and taste of what is happening right now. When your mind starts to wander, bring it back to the sensations of the moment.

Introverts can create homes that become sacred spaces to recharge, and we may have a calming influence on our partners. And you know that “meaningful interaction” thing? Being in a relationship with an introvert means you may experience more depth and intimacy than you ever have before. We’re curious creatures. We like to dig deep and really figure out what makes people (or things) tick—and we’ll likely apply our natural curiosity to you. Like an eager scientist studying a once-in-a-lifetime subject, we’ll work to decipher your preferences, likes, and dislikes. You may feel more known, seen, and understood than ever before.

Also, tears that are the result of intense emotion release hormones that allow your body to clear stored toxins.

Red Flags Introverts Should Watch Out For

Your family or friends don’t like your new boyfriend or girlfriend.

The relationship is moving too fast.

The object of your affection has few (or no) friends.

Your SO doesn’t respect your need for alone time.

You often find yourself giving in to your partner’s demands in order to avoid a fight.

You don’t get enough one-on-one time with your partner.

You find yourself frequently saying “everything’s fine” when it’s not.

Your SO does not make contact with your inner world. You

You frequently feel lonely, even though there’s another person around.

Your beloved is super secretive about your relationship on social media.

Your partner is your harshest critic.

Your partner is a heavy substance or alcohol user.