The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World

by Jenn Granneman

Signs You’re in the Right Relationship

You’re physically attracted to the other person.

In general, you feel energized being around them.

Your relationship is rich with meaningful interaction.

You have a sense of mutual respect.

Your partner doesn’t make you feel guilty about spending time by yourself.

Discuss your conflict styles before you find yourself in the middle of a fight. Are you an introvert who needs time to reflect and cool off before you can have a productive conversation?

Don’t let conflict fester. It’s okay if you need a time-out. But your time-out shouldn’t be an excuse to never deal with the issue. When you’re ready, you have to make an effort to resolve it. Problems, offenses, and hurt feelings usually grow bigger if they’re left unattended.

Introverts, on the other hand, particularly those who score high in “neuroticism” on the Big Five scale, may be the better employee in the long run. Although neuroticism is often associated with anxiety, negative emotions, and irritability, people who are neurotic also tend to care a lot about what others think of them. This means they may work harder on a team because they worry about how their colleagues perceive them, and they don’t want to be seen as not pulling their weight.

Also, in the work place, introverts are often the calm in the center of the storm.

You know that career advice is helpful, but reading about salaries, projected job growth, etc., can leave you feeling like something is missing. That’s because many introverts don’t just want a paycheck—they want a calling, too. They crave work that allows them to express their authentic selves—a career that embodies their interests, values, skills, and personality. In other words, they want to “do what they are.” Really, in all areas of life, introverts don’t feel “whole” unless their outer life reflects their inner life. If people can’t see them for who they really are—the secret world inside them—they are inclined to feel fragmented and discontent.

If you’re going to clock this many hours doing something—and put in this much energy—you want it to matter. Introverts tend to have a small circle of close friends, because when we invest our time and limited energy into something, we want it to be exceptionally good; it’s the same with our nine-to-five efforts.

Emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, doesn’t come easily for everyone. It’s a mixture of intrapersonal intelligence and interpersonal intelligence. In other words, it’s the ability to understand the emotions of others and the ability to control and manage your own emotions.

Researchers have a name for when you zone out, daydream, or let your mind drift from topic to topic; they call it “creative incubation.”

quote by e. e. cummings I like a lot: ‘The Artist is no other than he who unlearns what he has learned, in order to know himself.’ I think introverts are uniquely equipped for that kind of inner voyage.”

“What makes us weird also makes us wonderful. What makes us weak also makes us strong.”

When it comes to the close relationships in your life, surround yourself with only those who energize you, not drain you. Your good friends and significant other should leave you feeling richer and fuller after being around them. You have no obligation to maintain one-sided friendships or toxic relationships.

While being adaptable can be a good thing, being too adaptable can be downright dangerous. It means you start living inauthentically. It means you bend so much that you don’t recognize yourself anymore. And this can lead to a life of perpetual exhaustion.

“Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others,” she writes. “We need more space than other people. We need more time. We need more complexity, and more depth. Because other people are often confused by these needs, or can even feel rejected in some way, we learn as children to compromise on them constantly. So, instead of figuring out how to negotiate with others for what we need, we withdraw further into our inner world, attempting to meet all of our needs there, totally on our own.”