The Next Right Thing: A Simple, Soulful Practice for Making Life Decisions

by Emily P. Freeman

They listened. They understood. They saw us and heard us, asked us questions, and prayed for and with us. They also agreed to do it again with us a few months later.

Sometimes it looks like you’re going nowhere, or that you’re headed in the wrong direction. I’m learning that the decision itself is rarely the point. The point is becoming more fully ourselves in the presence of God, connecting with him and with each other, and living our lives as though we believe he is good and beautiful. The point is being honest about where you are and what you need, and then looking around in your own community for people to walk with you and with whom you can walk.

I’m convinced God is less interested in where we end up than he is in who we are becoming. Whether we’re employed or unemployed, encouraged or discouraged, filled with vision or fumbling in the fog, more than anything, our Father just wants to be with us.

The most common way he shows his with-ness to us is in the actual, physical presence of other people.

If you’re in a time of transition and want to gather your own co-listening group, here are some simple things to keep in mind.

One, do it on purpose.

But there’s something powerful about gathering people specifically for the purpose of listening, asking questions, and reflecting.

Ask people who don’t just talk to hear themselves talk but who are thoughtful and good question-askers.

Two, the co-listeners don’t have to know one another, but they all need to know you well.

There doesn’t have to be very many of them—even two people sitting with you, listening to you, and being willing to ask you some questions could provide a lot of help and support for you.

Finally, you have to ask them.

Reach out. State your need. Don’t apologize. If they are unable to meet with you, let them say so. When you do meet, respect their time. Have a loose agenda, be as honest as you can, and try not to opinion-manage.

You could also instruct the group to simply ask you questions rather than give you advice.

the longer I walk with our Father God, our friend Jesus, and the Holy Spirit who lives and dwells within us, the more I have a hunch that he isn’t so concerned with the outcome of our decision, at least not in the same way we are. But he would be delighted to know that the decision we are carrying is moving us toward community and not away from it, that it is leading us to depend on others more and not less, and that it is turning our face toward his in a posture of listening with the hopeful expectation of receiving an answer.

❍ A PRAYER As we look for people to help us listen, remind us of what matters most. The point is not a decision, a plan, or clarity. The point is always union with you. We want to remember that even in the midst of uncertainty, you remain faithful and true. Help us to find people who will remind us of you and to be the kind of listener who does the same for others.

❍ A PRACTICE: MAKE A LIST OF CO-LISTENERS Think about the people in your life who have some (or all) of these qualities, people who: ask thoughtful questions listen for the answers don’t belittle you or say things that make you feel dumb don’t take themselves too seriously take you just seriously enough Finally, make a short list (maybe four to eight) of people you would consider asking to be part of a co-listening group. Consider people from your church, college friends, neighbors, family members, couples you admire, or longtime family friends. If you can’t think of anyone, that’s okay. Now you know what to look for.

one thing I know for sure is you need time and space—either to implement those things that matter or to finally figure out what they are.

One of the qualities I value most in a person is the ability to listen well. If I see you are a good listener, my respect for you immediately grows. If you don’t look me in the eye or seem distracted, I may still like you but I probably won’t trust you, and I definitely won’t confide in you. I think that’s probably true for most people. That’s why one of the qualities I long to possess more of is presence.

Part of what it means to be a person of presence is to pay attention to what is happening around you—both in the place where you live and among the people who live there too. If you want to be a person of presence, it’s important to pay attention to what is happening within you as well. But you can’t be present to everything all the time. One way to cultivate presence might sound counterintuitive: it’s actually by your absence. Not your absence from ...

Every opportunity is not created equal, and you get to decide along with God whether something is great for you or not.

When an opportunity presents itself, take a little time to consider where this opportunity will actually lead and call it that, with words. Things often seem great when we leave them in ambiguity. But when we get down to the details we start to see the truth of things. Here are some questions you can ask yourself when opportunities come your way. There is not a right or wrong answer, and some will be more relevant depending on your situation: Will you get paid for this? Are the expectations clear? Would you actually enjoy it? Is it something you’ve always wanted to do? Does it involve a meaningful partnership? If you were in a room of people and this was called out into the crowd, would you raise your hand to volunteer for it?

to test if this potential next thing is actually your next right thing. Say you’ve received an invitation from a colleague you admire to participate in something prestigious (use your imagination as to how that applies to your own life). The decision to do it or not lands squarely in your lap. It is what many in your circles would call a great opportunity. Do you have the opportunity in mind? Good. Now finish this sentence: “I want to say yes to this because it would be a great opportunity to _______.”

“I want to do this thing because it would be a great opportunity to . . . See the world Love my neighbor Learn a new skill Meet new people Be with my kids Walk with God Make one million dollars Serve my family Have fun Grow my business

The next question you need to ask yourself is, Is this a season of my life where I am working on growing my business?

I’m not saying you should never say yes to those things. We do jobs, we have obligations, and we offer people favors all the time. But call them what they are: a job, an obligation, or a favor. Don’t call them great opportunities.

In the stillness, when all other voices were silent, I heard His voice speaking to me. And He was leading and guiding and clarifying and redefining. The vision becomes clear. And with that clarity, I was empowered to make decisions. Instead of yielding to or even entertaining every request put before me, I am able to say, “I do this. I only do this. I don’t do that.” You are the sole carrier of the vision God has given you. No one else has it. You are the visionary. Trust the vision.

if you remember Christ dwells within you, beside you, behind you, and before you, he will remind you of what really matters. Ask him, then listen well. Your work is your work. Your pace is your pace. Your life is your life. What a gift.

❍ A PRACTICE: TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT AN OPPORTUNITY Living attentive and paying attention is one of my favorite ways to live, but I’ve discovered if I do it in the wrong order, by going outward before I move inward, then I may add to the stress and distraction in my life in ways I never intended. Pick an invitation you’re considering right now and finish this sentence: “This will be a great opportunity to __________.” Then be honest: Is this the season for you to actually engage in that great opportunity?

If the person you are trying so hard not to disappoint will be displeased by a no, they’ll eventually be disappointed even if you say yes. Lysa TerKeurst, The Best Yes

don’t do so for the sake of just saying no but because the good things I turn down make way for the great things I am called to.

The No Mentor is a special kind of person. While a regular mentor will help you weigh decisions and give valuable advice, a No Mentor goes in with a stronger filter from the beginning.

Most likely, this person will help you choose your absence from the things you already know should be a no but it’s hard for you to admit.

Unlike your co-listening group members, who have a primary role of listening, your No Mentor will be no-nonsense, straightforward, and unapologetic. She will not be deterred by glitz or glamor. She is not fooled by shiny objects or mirrored balls. She is relentlessly on your side and has the health of your soul, your family, and your work in m...

First, you need someone who makes decisions the way you want to make them in the areas you want to make them in.

Second, you need someone who knows you and gets the subtleties of your decision in a way other people might not.

Third, you need someone you can trust with the underbelly.

Your No Mentor has to know the whole story, the ugly and weird and twisty, which means you have to be able to trust her.

Finally, you need someone who respects you but isn’t impressed by you.

Build a conversation with her into your normal decision-making process when you get stuck or have something you are leaning on no for but need help going all the way. Make it a natural next right step to ask her if she would be willing to help you process a decision you have to make.

A No Mentor is there to help you feel confident about saying no to the things you really don’t want to do anyway or to help you finally discover your strong, brave yes in the midst of fear. We all need a friend we can trust who is willing to go deep with us, to listen, to offer feedback, and to help us either solve a problem or feel better about the fact that the problem is unsolvable.

What inevitably will happen the more you run things by your No Mentor is this: eventually, you’ll learn to be your own.

The simplest benefit to knowing what you really want? It helps you choose your absence by saying yes and no to things without all the angst.

A PRACTICE: REFLECT ON YES AND NO Always remember that, in the kingdom of God, all things are being made new, including our poorly chosen yeses. Even so, past decisions can help inform future ones. Reflect on a time in your life when you said yes to something only to realize later it was perhaps not a wise yes. What was the situation surrounding that yes? Did anyone encourage or discourage you in that decision? What was the outcome? Now think of a time when you said a brave no to what many might consider a great opportunity. What was the situation surrounding that no? Did anyone encourage or discourage you in that decision? What was the outcome?

we’re not gonna give her words. The critic only lives if we let her live. And I don’t mean the critic that is helpful and has your best interest at heart. This isn’t someone in your co-listening group or one of your No Mentors. I mean the spiteful one, the petty one, the one who said those things way back when. Maybe the one who lives in your own head. That time is past, and the only voice that critic could have now in your life? It’s yours.

The critic is a tricky companion, because not all critics are created equal. Just because someone is critical doesn’t automatically mean you should ignore them and call them a hater. But it also doesn’t automatically mean they’re right. We can learn a lot from critique, from correction, from critical thinking and direction. But the trouble comes when we allow all critical voices to weigh the same amount.

When it comes to making decisions, combating decision fatigue, and learning to trust our own heart in the presence of God, we have to be careful who we allow in.

Here’s something I’ve learned about the critics in our lives: it’s not necessary (or healthy, for that matter) to have people always agree with you, but the critiques to most seriously consider are the ones coming from those who believe in you. If someone who believes in you, your work, your art, or your decisions is pointing out a weakness or trying to make things better, it’s helpful and healthy to consider their words with humility and grace. Resist the urge to close yourself off from them. Instead, open yourself in the presen...

Our friend Jesus knows what it means to be questioned, challenged, humiliated, and critiqued. Not once ever did he allow a negative critic to change one solitary decision he made on earth. He was about his Father’s business, and all was well with him. His face was set like a flint. His soul was always at peace. His countenance remained kind. His choice was always love.