Everything You Are

by Kerry Anne King

“A toast,” her grandfather says. “To Ophelia MacPhee!”

Musicians, and those who make instruments, are a superstitious lot.

while listening to the soul of a man who was unable to die at the same time as his music.

If she could die quietly, just close her story as if it’s a book she started reading and decided she didn’t like, she would welcome that. But she has to keep turning the pages; she’s not allowed to quit, because this is her fault and it’s the punishment she deserves.

“‘Sober’ is such a bleak word. Makes me think of Quakers. Or nuns.

Adventure Angels Manifesto

I hereby commit to falling in love with life in all of its manifestations of trouble and triumph, joy and grief, boredom and excitement.

I will treat each day as an adventure, full of possibility, and I will seek to be present for every moment, whether pleasant or unpleasant.

I will resist the lure of alcohol, always vigilant against its many deceptions.

I commit to the pursuit of honesty regarding my relationship with alcohol. If I should be overcome by temptation, I promise to share my struggle with the Adventure Angels group and allow them

to support me back into life.

I commit to becoming an ambassador for adventure, bringing new experiences into the lives of others while engaging in them myself.

And I solemnly promise to hold sacred the confidences and stories shared in this group,

along with the identities of individuals who attend.

If I should fail, I commit to picking myself up and trying again. On this day, I do so solemnly swear.

His brain and body hurt in a physical way. Phee is wrong about sobriety.

He craves the oblivion but is too shaken to risk another episode of sleep playing, or whatever the hell just happened.

In the wakeful dark, the oath and the curse take on weight and substance.

Allie is everything. All that is left of his life, and the only thing that matters.

“The cello was everything.

Without it, I’m nothing.

The truth is, she’s exactly like him.

It occurs to her, for the very first time, that the two of them have suffered the same losses.

“PTSD is such a fascinating combination of chemicals and psychological blocks, Phee. Very complex. Many sufferers do have a host of physical ailments. They are much more likely to suffer from inflammatory diseases and immune disorders. Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis.

“How about loss of function in a part of the body?”

“There is a condition called conversion disorder, a psychological block that affects the body. It’s caused by trauma and protects the sufferer from having to face a decision or action that is too horrific or terrifying for their consciousness to handle.”

Avoiding talking about things is much more dangerous than having conversations.”

“I’m afraid it’s very much about you, sir. Suicide

always involves family dynamics.

“I do solemnly swear that I will keep the secrets of the Adventure Angels. What happens on this adventure stays on this adventure.”

“Adventures are usually voluntary,” Dennis answers. “Desperate times, desperate measures.”

“I think you need to trust that people are strong enough to carry the truth.”

people have to carry their own burdens, that they’re responsible for their own emotional journeys.

Lil and I . . . we’re having an affair.”

“Trey is my son. Maybe you already guessed that.”

“What I don’t understand,” Mitch says, “is how you never saw it. The boys could be brothers.”

“Jo is an admirable woman, but she’s so goddamn self-sufficient. Lilian, now, Lilian needs me.”

A strong man who wants to take care of a woman, a woman who wants to be taken care of. A fleeting sympathy for both of them, a tortured understanding, collides with an awareness of collateral damage.

“How anybody can look at that boy and not know he’s mine, I can never understand. It’s going to all come out sooner or later. God. What a mess.